News Briefs

Top Scientists Warn: Sea Gods Angry

Washington, DC - Pointing to the devastating weekend Indian Ocean tsunami that left over 24,000 dead, an international blue ribbon committee of climatologists and ecoscientists today issued a stark warning that man-made pollutants have increasingly "make water spirits angry."

The blunt conclusion prefaced a 2300 page meta-analysis of hundreds of scientific studies and computer models detailing links between human industrial activity and wrathful eco-deities. Entitled "Fire Bad: Fire Very Bad," the report warns that the planet faces additional catastrophies unless drastic regulatory action is taken to appease Earthen-furies.

"Unclean money devils anger sacred water spirit Tai-Waku," explained Martin Knudson of Scripps Oceanic Institute. "He now call angry to son the whale, 'make slap with anger-tails! Bring vengeance-surf to villagers!'" 

While most empirical evidence supports the theory of wrathful whale-tail slappings, some scientists are exploring alternative hypotheses for the weekend tsunami. Ecobiologist Jane Geary of UC Santa Cruz points to mounting evidence that the ocean spirit-world may have been driven to gastrointestinal rage by gas-guzzling SUVs.

"Thunder-wagon make smoke cloud of greenhouse gas," explained Geary. "hungry Tai-Waku eat smoke from thunder-wagon, pass giant wind with mighty fury."

Peter Novak, chief science officer of the Sierra Club, dismissed Geary's "Divine Fart" theory, arguing it was more likely that SUVs had triggered the tsunami via a spirit underword sexual encounter.

"Wheels of thunder-wagons wake up Big Earth Spirit-Mother, make to crazy tingle in hairy child-place. She now go to water lair of Tai-Waku, make big angry love on tectonic plate," said Novak. "Big Earth Spirit-Mother say, 'if ocean rocking, don't come a-knocking.'"

Although they disagree on the precise causes of the wrathful spirit world, scientists were largely unanimous in recommending immediate global regulatory action. Remedial steps suggested in the report include ratification of the Kyoto treaty, elimination of automobiles, volcanic altars for virgin sacrifices, creation of a sustainable urine-based economy, and improved faculty dental benefits.

"If not act now, it too late," said report editor Paul Erlich of Stanford University.

Erlich, whose 1978 best seller "Ice Time Come Soon" is widely credited with saving millions of lives by warning of the massive age of glaciation that threatened Earth during the 1980s, said inaction might anger the spirit world further.

"Me not know when Tai-Waku make wrath again," said Erlich. "Me need more grant money."

Chaos in Ukraine as Weird Al Yankovic Claims Victory

Kiev, Ukraine -- The weekend rerun of the Ukrainian presidential election once again failed to produce a clear cut winner, with Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich, pro-Western rival Viktor Yushchenko, and American novelty singer Weird Al Yankovic all claiming victory. The results appeared to be a virtual tie, according to an exit poll by the US research firm Yankelovich.

Throngs of Yankovic supporters gathered in Kiev's central square to cheer on the plucky former MTV star who won in a Stupid Music Party (SMP) primary over rival polka star Frankie Yankovic and 1940's novelty act Yorgi Yorgesson. Yankovic became an overnight sensation in the Ukraine with his parody of the 1979 Knack hit 'My Sharona,' entitled 'My Chernobyl.' He also won worldwide sympathy after it was discovered he was the victim of a poisoning plot by another candidate, Chinese chef Martin Yan of TV's 'Yan Can Cook.'

Taking sympathy on the beleaguered country was Russian President Vladimir Putin, who said he would soon send his country's army to Ukraine "to spare the population yet another election."

Drug Companies on Lookout for Michael Moore

Los Angeles - Some pharmaceutical companies are telling employees to keep an eye out for filmmaker Moore, according to published reports in the Los Angeles Times.

Moore's next film, "Sicko," will reportedly focus the American healthcare industry -- including HMOs, insurance companies, the FDA, and drug makers -- prompting several companies to issue internal memos to deny access to him and his cameras.

"If you see a scruffy guy in a baseball cap, you'll probably know it's him," read one internal memo from drug giant Pfizer. "If you want to make perfectly sure, look for speckles of congealed alfredo sauce sparkling in the wispy beard growth on his enormous 30-pound neck goiter."

A memo from Astra-Zeneca instructed building security to "be on the lookout for a disheveled man with a camera, microphone, and man-boobs the size and consistency of the bags inside a cheap bag-in-box wine, after drinking three or four glasses." The memo goes on to suggest that "oh, yeah, there's also a kind of a not-so-good peanut smell."

At Glaxo Smith Kline, an internal security memo set out a precise screening protocol for Moore. "If subject fits profile, request him to lift shirt," reads one item on the flowchart. "If visual inspection identifies buttcracks in front AND back, escort out."

Despite the reports of heightened security, Moore reassured fans would not be "deterred and bullied by corporate goons."

"I want Slacker Nation to know that whenever there's someone out there making millions in profits by peddling lies to the ignorant, you know I'll be there,"  said Moore.

Comments

[LHM]

I love it!!!

[David]

The Divine Fart Theory is not new. It's been around for a long time. Usually it remains sort of silently in the background and can often be discovered in recently uninhabited elevators.

Of course the staggering death toll from the tsunamis is not funny at all. And I've no doubt that most humans have already sent, and continue to send, their prayers for the surviving families and friends of those lost.

There is however a more important story to be investigated, namely: Is Squarebob Spongepants really a CIA operative? Methinks so. you have seen the promo/trailer for SpongeBob SquarePants online, then you know that the main graphic shows our spongy little friend and one of his underwater companions charging out of the screen, with fierce looks of determination on their faces, and their arms all muscle-bound and pumped up, and a great fireball explosion behind them. How is it that these these gentle folks are being crammed into the role of freedom-fighting anti-terrorists? It's like if Beanie and Cecil or Crusader Rabbit had been drafted by the Neocons/BushCo and the ultra-right military-industrial complex to fight the "evil doers" of the world.

Just thought I'd mention it.

[Sir Not Appearing in this Blog]

"Peter Novak, chief science officer of the Sierra Club, dismissed Geary's "Divine Fart" theory..."

Would someone please call the paramedics? I'm laughing so hard I can't breath. Thanks.

[Steve Skubinna]

I have to say I, too, am appalled. Death toll is passing 100,000, and some peoples' reaction is to write pissy little sneers in blog comment sections. Wah fucking wah.

Get over yourselves, Nick and weblacky. We're not impressed, you pathetic whining twits. Go throw yourselves into a volcano to expiate our sins, why don't you? Great, we all appreciate your moral superiority, now go donate some money and shut the hell up.

[CCR]

I wish Moore would go after the health industry. It's about the only possible target that deserves him. The health industry is extremely messed up, though I haven't heard any suggestions for fixing it that don't stifle innovation AND require someone to invent time travel for the purpse of drafting King Solomon.

[AxL]

I will drive no more - forever.

[TJ Jackson]

Great satire. Boy I hope all the puritans manage to outlaw singing, dancing and joking before they abolish your site. Till then I'll offer up a sea sprite sacrifice to Gaia.

[RichInOC]

1. Unnnhhh!!! Me bow down to IowaHawk. IowaHawk write heap-big funny story. IowaHawk get top spot in Opinion Journal "Best Of The Web". IowaHawk heap big bad juju man.

2. Weird Al ran for president? I want a bumper
sticker, got dang it.

3. That's not alfredo sauce.

[JorgXMcKie]

Actually, I for one appreciate comments like weblackey's. The surest way to know the enemy is their cry of "That's not funny! That's not funny, damnit!" Poseurs and Puritans find pretty much nothing funny, I've found, but that have also found out that if they complain about every joke people point at them and yell, "Hey! Look at the humorless assholes who want to run the world." Thus, they try to disguise themselves by only complaining about jokes when they can call them "inappropriate material" for jokes. So, consider the complaint a signpost of sorts.

[Brian B]

Weblackey,

You might want to try wearing a size larger in pants.

[weblackey]

Since I've already made the faux paus of ticking your counter with a hit, I may as well say it. You're not right. I pray you never experience this trauma...but if you ever do, I hope you have a moment of lucidity where you feel embarrassed about what length you went to for a stupid hit on your counter. Of course, this would mean you had met some level of spiritual enlightenment, so good luck with that.

[A.R.Yngve]

Before you start feeling guilty for laughing at Iowahawk's satire: for over three decades we have heard environmentalists claim that HUMAN activity would cause NATURAL disasters.

As far I can recall, environmentalists never cared to demand earthquake early-warning systems... and why would they? Mother Nature is above reproach.

-A.R.Yngve
http://yngve.bravehost.com

[Abu Qa'Qa]

Hawk, obviously some folks don't realize you are treating this disaster with the same kind of serious investigation of say CBS or the AP.

Some say a little humor goes a long way. Others say a little humor goes too far. I choose the former over the latter. Thanks for your work.

[noisy ghost]

I'm also horrified by the tsunami, but I can still laugh at the above story.

After getting to the part about Michael Moore having a buttcrack in front and back, I can apparently pee myself a little, as well.

[Reginleif]

Reminds me of this article:

http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2004/12/27/discovery_of_ancient_village_derails_bridge_repair/

...which appeared in the _Boston Globe_ yesterday:

"Tribal members rubbed ceremonial red ocher on their hands and faces before taking part in the recovery work. At the end of the day, they washed up with specially treated water. Often a tribal member would play a wooden flute as workers dug into the ground.

"Such actions were meant to appease the spirits of the ancestors, according to Sullivan and Rice. As in many other traditional societies, local Indians think disturbing the dead could bring suffering to the living.

"'It's a fearsome thing,' Rice said. 'The spirits of the dead become restless and cause illnesses, accidents, and death. Western culture doesn't understand, but for the tribes, the consequences are very real.'"

"The consequences are very real"? Uh, OK...

Similarly, in a very recent _National Geographic_ cover story, Darwin's theory of evolution was upheld. I'm fine with that; I think creationism is bunk. But why did a story on a pre-Columbian ritual in a cave in (I think) Mexico bend over backwards to treat the cave-spirit theology involved with kid gloves?

[pragmatist]

Thank you BdS for the proper perspective
on this tragedy. No one, not even for a
moment, thinks it funny.

But a typical Human response to grief IS
laughter. It is called "gallow humor".

How can one comprehend perhaps 60,000 lives
literally swept away in a moment? One cannot.

But it is for us, the living, to make sure
the memory of the departed is kept with our
good ACTS. Not ridiculous words about how
to feel grief properly.

[Shana Barrow]

Cry me a sea sprite, Nick.

[Micajah]

Hoping for a role as a paid participant in some basic research project to create that sustainable economy -- beer-to-beer recycling?

"Remedial steps suggested in the report include ratification of the Kyoto treaty, elimination of automobiles, volcanic altars for virgin sacrifices, creation of a sustainable urine-based economy, and improved faculty dental benefits."

[inkling]

How DARE you have a sense of humor with all the suffering in the world! Don't you know how difficult it is to feign moral superiority when milk is coming out of my nose? BTW, if someone wants to help the victims (instead of, say, waxing puritanical in various comments fields), worldvision.org has set up a special fund for victims of the Asian earthquake and tsunamis. A very efficient and effective non-profit. Keep us laughing Iowa -- it's the only way we'll make it!

[BdS]

Ah, it would only be poor form if he was taking the first shot, but he's just mocking what loonies have already said. There's no good reason that they should be able to speak without rebuttal, just because the subject matter is tragic. Otherwise, where would the world have gotten all of those recipies for fat, Irish babies?

[sanctimonious drivel]

You also hurt Paul Ehrlich's feelings and disparaged goiter-sufferers everywhere.

In the future avoid reference to real people, current events and actual human diseases, conditions or appearances. You don't need these things to be funny.

[Nick]

I find it hard to believe that someone could actually write what you did... 40,000 people are dead... an entire generation of children in villages are gone. I didn't laugh... I thought this was pretty sick. Whatever you may think of eco-loonies, making a point about them by taking advantage of this catastrophe is poor form to say the least.

[basil]

Thanks! I needed those.

[Leopold Stotch]

"Chaos in Ukraine as Weird Al Yankovic Claims Victory"

I was nowhere near the Ukraine.