Is America as divided as many pundits would have it? The recent traffic spike generated by my previous post suggests otherwise. On the contrary, I believe millions of Americans on both sides of the great Red-Blue gulf are hungry for information about their inferiors on the opposite shore, whether they are effete metrosexual AltWeekly Emo pussies or violent fork-toothed inbred Nascar gun trash.
In the spirit of national reconciliation, I would like to offer my services as a navigator across these troubled waters. Having grown up on a confinement swine farm followed by 20 years incarceration in various left wing nut-hatches, I believe I have a unique perspective that will help America to build a daredevil rocket-cycle of understanding, shoot a rainbow arc of diversity over the Snake River Canyon of hate, and crash into the far cliffside of unity.
Are you confused and frightened by the folks on the other side? Get to know them! Here are a few of my favorite places where we can start the healing journey to American togetherness.
Harrison Western Sizzlin', Harrison, Arkansas (Hat Tip: ScriptFox). I know, I know -- what can one say about Western Sizzlin' that hasn't already been said? Still, even by the fine standards of this renowned buffet-line steakery, the Harrison branch is something special. With its signature $8.99 patty sirloin and salad bar, it has become the must-stop destination for apres crucifixion diners from the nearby Eureka Springs Passion Play. Sizzle? Fo' shizzle!
Teany, New York, NY. THE place in the East Village to rub elbows with soi dissant vegan shaggies as they thumb through dog-eared copies of Howard Zinn over a $12 cup of bancha. Brainchild of metrosexual multimedia mope Moby, Teany ("Tea New York" -- get it?) has all the sad, serious minimalist elan to turn even the Reddest 'neck into a suicidal SoHo performance artiste.
Blue Country Stock Car Racing. Tired of the same old Saturday night warehouse rave? Hankerin' for some nearby fender-banging action? Contrary to what you might have read from Noam Chomsky or Edward Said, now you don't have to travel to Tobacco Road to find a decent Figure Eight dirt track. Case in point: Vermont's Devil's Bowl, right in the heart of Ben & Jerry Country! If you're on the Left Left Coast, check out Irwindale Speedway, a short drive from West Hollywood.
Black Mountain College, Black Mountain NC. Speaking of Tobacco Road, who says that the Deliverance crowd has to drive their Jimmy 4x4s up to Chelsea for a taste of avante-garde insanity? Nestled in the heart of Mayberry, Black Mountain College pumped out more tortured creative freaks (Merce Cunningham, Ray Johnson, John Cage) than Tar Heel NBA stars. It's gone now, but a buttload of galleries and museums remain to celebrate the glory days of BMC, back before the Barney Fife fascists "nipped it in the bud."
Maid Rite, Throughout Iowa. Is this heaven? No, it's ground-up dead cow on a bun! Back home in the Hawkeye 'hood, all-beef patties are for tha sucka MCs. In the tall corn we likes to get our loosemeat on, playa. Alternatively called taverns, maidrites or loosemeats, these tasty treats make living in our jejune arctic ag-hellhole nearly bearable. The Maxime's of the maidrite: Bob's Drive-In in LeMars. Conveniently located across Hwy 75 from the Wells Blue Bunny Visitor Center.
Burning Man Festival, Black Rock Desert, NV. If any of you Dogpatchers still think that your Blue State brethren are a bunch of humorless nanny-state nags, think again! Burning Man is the annual outdoor festival where uptight coastal America lets down its hair, smears itself with mayonnaise and fingerpaint, and has chemically-triggered seizures in the dirt. In short, this is the Talledega infield for the overeducated commie set. Important: these fun-loving sandalistas might enjoy burning things, but please, no crosses.
Fudgieknuckles Bar, Glenbeulah, WI. Sure, with a name like that it might sound like your typical Castro district nightspot. Don't let that fool you -- this one is endorsed by the Sheboygan Bowling Association! Tip for visiting Blue Staters: the patrons might be friendly and look like adorable 'bears', but you might want to leave your attraction unspoken.
Reed College, Portland OR. Although it lacks a Greek row and hasn't placed a single alumnus in a paying job since 1988, venerable Reed College continues to attract progressive, activist students like moths to a bug zapper. Narrowly edging out archrival Evergreen State College, Reed was recently named by USNews & World Report as 'best buy' for Stalinist indoctrination centers in the Over-$40,000 category. Okay, so maybe it doesn't have a football team. But let's be honest -- what school in the Big 12 North does?
In any case, I hope all of you will make a pledge to engage in a little eco-tourism to the other side of the national divide. Or add to the list. In the meantime, feel free to read some previous Iowahawk Red-Blue travelogues:
I left Iowa 5 years ago for Detroit. BIG mistake, I can't wait to go home - real soon. But MaidRites? C'mon now. Do you know how hard it is to get a pork tenderloin sandwich in Detroit? How they massacre catfish? The first thing I want when I hit Iowa is a tenderloin from Christy Creme in Council Bluffs. Damn, my mouth is watering now.
Posted by: Dawn | November 22, 2004 at 06:41 PM
Fifth-generation (former) Iowan greetings!
What's with this red/blue division thing? Aren't we all Americans?
I can identify with the blue states just fine, at least with the pre-2004 Red Sox fans. I followed the Cubs via Boone's radio station for years in my Ames home, often while wearing a Cyclone t-shirt.
But maybe I can even identify with the 2004 Red Sox. I have my Insight.com Bowl hat right here. Ah, those were the days.
Posted by: Richard, former Iowan | November 19, 2004 at 09:47 PM
LC Geno -ummm...
(1) Iowa isn't in the Big 12. Iowa is in the Big Ten, currently 8-2, and #17 in the national polls. They finished in the top 8 the previous two seasons.
(2) The team you're probably thinking of is Iowa State. If you check the current standings, Iowa State is currently all alone in first place in the Big 12 North (above both Nebraska & Colorado). Sadly, that says more about the B12N than it does about Iowa State.
Posted by: iowahawk | November 18, 2004 at 07:56 AM
This is the first time I've been on your site, and I love it!! Very creative and fun!!
I have one bone to pick with you, don't pick on the rest of the Big 12 North just because Iowa sucks and has always sucked. I remember the Big Eight days when Nebraska or O.U. would beat C.U. by 50+ points, but the one win C.U. could always count on was beating sucky Iowa.
Give it a couple of years, the Big 12 North will come back. Maybe even Iowa will put together a winning team.
Go Buff'S - LC Geno
PS - Keep up the good work. Beat the LLL moonbats back to the 60's.
Posted by: LC Geno | November 18, 2004 at 12:33 AM
Thanks for outing Fudgieknuckles bar! Now every trendoid from Madison will be making a hegira to Glenbeulah to sample our Fudgieburgers and the Leinenkugel's Red beer. Mmmm....Fudgieburgers!
Posted by: Smitty | November 17, 2004 at 08:39 PM
I work in NYC and I don't even know what a "cup of bancha" is.
Posted by: The Commissar | November 17, 2004 at 08:28 PM
Brian, Brian! You've just had a stroke of genius the likes of which comes along only too rarely. Why throw it away? A play which combines the best parts of The Crucible (one of my wife's favorites, by the way) and The Little Mermaid (also one of her favorites) is so, so . . . uh, avant-garde? Ripe? Totally pointless? Ready to be ripped, mixed, and foisted on an unwary (and probably unwilling) public to the tune of enormous profits?
Imagine the commercial tie-ins? All those angry feminists with daughters, or nieces, or granddaughters, or daughters of friends (well, small persons of the female persuasion -- whatever) now have something the can actually buy them!! Little Mermaid Crucible action figures!!! It's genius, I tell you! Pure merchandising genius!!!
Posted by: JorgXMcKie | November 17, 2004 at 05:39 PM
From the home of President G Dubya Bush, Midland Texas we give you Bob's Better Burger where the 50% fat burgers are made the old fashioned way. They're patted out under the arm pit.
Posted by: Wallace-Midland Texas | November 17, 2004 at 09:36 AM
If it's Red-Blue mixing you seek, look no further than the New London Theatre (!) in Snellville, GA (!!). Here, artistes and Bush-lovin' rednecks (that's me) get their play on for the sake of entertaining the Gwinnett yokels and intelligentsia alike. Coming soon: The Little Mermaid and The Crucible, in February.
(That's two different plays, in case you're confused.)
http://newlondon.homestead.com
Posted by: Brian Jones | November 17, 2004 at 08:32 AM
Hey now, Reed has produced profitable alumni; it has one of the country's finest physics programs, which I really should be studying for right now. $40-60k starting salaries are kinda nice, I hear.
Posted by: Kenneth | November 17, 2004 at 02:04 AM
First the I-80 truck stop (where I did my Internship), then the mere mention of Maid Rite, gosh, I'm getting all teary and nostalgic.
Another great job.
Posted by: Darren | November 16, 2004 at 08:02 AM
Looks to me like you hit another one out of the ballpark, IowaHawk. Great stuff!
Posted by: zonker | November 15, 2004 at 11:13 PM
Could you post somethign about the 2008 presidential primaries. Particularly something I could use on www.Primary2008.com Iowa perspective is obviously important to 2008.
Posted by: Frank Myers | November 15, 2004 at 06:57 PM