Let the Healing Begin

I guess I'm pleased by the outcome of the election, but it comes with some mixed feelings. Frankly, it's hard to celebrate knowing so many other ordinary Americans -- like the posters at Daily Kos, Democratic Underground, BartCop, SmirkingChimp, IndyMedia, and CruSHruBusHitleRethuglicaNazis -- are suffering another bad case of the 'Wednesdays.' Today should not be about gloating and victory laps, it should be about about good sportsmanship and moving the country forward. So if you're on the other size of the political aisle, I'd like extend my congratulations for a hard-fought battle, and offer a few tips to help you get through the next four years.

First, keep in mind that this was a very narrow defeat, and could have gone either way with the right breaks. John Kerry would be planning his inaugural today if his campaign had not made a couple of strategic blunders, such as not getting people to vote for John Kerry.

Next, you've got to stop all this crazy talk about "suicide" and "that's it, I'm moving to Canada." C'mon people, just stop it!. Why? Because you are Americans too, and Americans are known for action, that's why! If you ever expect other Americans to treat you as a serious political force, you've got to get up off your duff, can all that jibber-jabber, and get cracking on the U-Hauls and tragic carbon-monoxide incidents, Mister Big Talk.

Keep in mind that following a crushing election defeat, any political movement is going to face a bloody period of disarray and intraparty power struggles. When the inevitable recriminations, purges, and cannibalism start up, remember -- it's not personal.

Above all, don't give into those negative urges to feel sorry for yourself, or to drive to the nearest Evangelical stadium church and relentlessly hack all the Biblethumping Bush freaks to death with a hatchet. This only brings you down to their level. For a great stress reliever, why not go to Perkins for a slice of their delicious pie? Pecan a la mode is my favorite.

Want some good news? With the election finally over, it will be easier than ever to get the word out about the illegitimate Bush Regime. Just this morning I was at Barnes & Noble, and they're running a great $0.39 per pound special on anti-Bush books! They make great stocking stuffers, and there's over 500 titles to choose from.

Lesson for the day: learn from your mistakes. Get together with other progressives, and have a candid discussion about what went wrong -- and why, and how, and where. Record these mistakes, and organize them with a program like Lotus Notes. Next, email them to Terry McAuliffe so he can put them in the next volume of his indexed archives.

Just like in baseball, more games are won with hustle than with power. In the next election, you should pledge to get out there early and explain to twice as many voters how Bush planned 9-11 and is building secret Gay concentration camps in Utah. Volume counts too, so make sure you scream these facts extra-loud next time, especially to old people.

Here's some momentum to build on: if the exit polls are any guide, John Kerry won almost 300 of the 436 racial/ ethnic/ sexual/ religious/ social/ demographic/ labor groups targeted by Democratic party strategists, an improvement of 6% versus the 2000 election.

Also remember that every cloud has a silver lining. For example, did you know that George Soros wants to share his fortune with you for forwarding this message to all of your progressive friends? This is NOT a junk letter, and you will regret if you ignore! As part of a progressive community email 'beta test.' When you forward this message to friends, George Soros and MoveOn will track it for a two week time period. For every person that you forward this e-mail to, George Soros and MoveOn.org will pay you $50, and for every person that fowards from there, they will pay you $49, and so on! In two weeks, remember to contact MoveOn.org and ask for your money.

Finally, celebrate your accomplishments and keep yourself focused on the future. Despite the election setback, you're part of a massive intellectual movement that has attracted the support of important thinkers from Noam Chomsky to Howard Dean to Brad Pitt. This is real revolt -- a people's revolt that will continue to grow, as long as people like you stay committed to the anti-Bush cause. And if you ever find yourself waivering, just look in the mirror and tell yourself, "I am still revolting."

Comments

[curt]

I'm glad it's over.... no lawyers, no weeks of media coverage.

[Darren]

Our Town Democrat explained it thus: "It was them damn Scotch-Irish Calvinists that done it."

Wow! Glenlivet, Bushmills AND Comics. It don't get any better.

P.S. 'Hawk, glad to see you made bail.

Hugs and kisses.

[Kelly]

we're going down in quicksand...

http://media-server.amazon.com:80/media/0000892891001001/Abdel%20Wright-Quicksand.mp3

[profligatewaste]

What are the odds some of these dumbasses will actually do the George Soros chain letter?

[profligatewaste]

What are the odds some of these dumbasses will actually do the George Soros chain letter?

[RightThinkingGirl]

Brilliant! Last sentence sounds like something that will one day be etched upon a monument to John F Kerry.

[Jim C.]

Brilliant!

[Jim Treacher]

"Hey Treacher get off the cross, someone else needs the wood."

Yeah, so they can burn it in my front yard. FASCISTS!!!

[CmeRun]

Those who hastily dismiss theory will never find the truth. @FreeTrade can dicate silence as well as any dictator but this IS America.

[Sgt Fluffy]

Sheesh, don't tell them how to re unify, it is just getting fun to watch.

[CCR]

What will they do if Jeb doesn't run for pres in '08? They need a Bush in the White House AND on the ballot for their slogans to make any sense.

[Dana]

Your closer is sweet.

[Elizabeth M. Cole]

"I am still revolting!" Belly laughing at that one.

Speaking of revolting...perhaps this election shows that Americans are a lot like the French after all. Love revolution, hate change.

[resqr49]

Hey Treacher get off the cross, someone else needs the wood.

[iowahawk]

Hey, Treacher: way to go, man. You single-handedly fucked up my dream of ever appearing in WSJ. As Floyd Camembert once reported on SCTV news, "this is likely the last time you will see punk rock mass at St. Anthony's."

And also, you are the funniest sumbitch on the internet.

[Jim Treacher]

I watched Freedom die today...

http://jimtreacher.com/archives/001148.html

[Captain Holly]

Hey, keep it quiet about the Utah Camps. They're not finished yet.

We're having a devil of a time finding the right color of drapes to match the lilac/boysenberry paint scheme.

And we haven't even gotten around to building the barracks for the DU commentors yet...

[m]

C'mon. I'm dealing with leftoidschizo relatives who are telling me, for example, that "Allah has spoken." Whatever the hell that means. Help us, here. We're letting the healing begin, but what do we do with them?