It's a Dan-derful Life

Selected excerpts from the new CBS News Holiday Classic

The neighborhood of Black Rock Falls, somewhere in midtown New York. The streets are deserted, and snow is falling. It is Christmas Eve. Over the above scenes we hear voices praying:

JOHN ROBERT'S VOICE: I owe everything to Dan Rather. Help him, dear Father.

MIKE WALLACE’S VOICE: Help my son Dan tonight.

ROBIN'S VOICE: Please, God. Something's the matter with Daddy.

MARY MAPES’ VOICE: I love him, dear Gaia. Ommna hoptep chothulu.

Camera pans skyward. Voices speak from the clouds.

CLARENCE'S VOICE: You sent for me, sir?

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Yes, Clarence. A man down on earth needs our help.

CLARENCE'S VOICE: Splendid! Is he sick?

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: No, worse. His Neilsens have tanked. At exactly seven o’clock PM tonight, Early Earth prime time, that man will be thinking seriously of throwing away God's greatest gift.

CLARENCE'S VOICE: Oh, dear, dear… not his anchor desk! Sir ... if I should accomplish this mission –– I mean –– might I perhaps win my wings? I've been waiting for over two hundred years now, sir, and people are beginning to talk.

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Clarence, you do a good job with Dan Rather, and you'll get your wings.

CLARENCE'S VOICE: Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

In the office of Mr.Blogger, the meanest man in Black Rock Falls.

MR. BLOGGER: Oh, confound it, Rather, are you afraid of the truth? I'm offering you the chance to verify these National Guard documents, starting today. Is it a deal or isn't it?

DAN: Well, Mr. Blogger, I ... I ... I know I ought to jump at the chance, but I ... I just ... I wonder if I can verify them after Sixty Minutes II?

MR. BLOGGER: Okay Rather, but I will be fact-checking it.

DAN: No ... no ... no ... no, now wait a minute, here! I don't have to talk to anybody! I know right now, and the answer is no! NO! Doggone it! You sit around here and you spin your little weblogs and you think the whole world revolves around you and your pajamas and your ‘evidence.’ Well, it doesn't, Mr. Blogger! There is a deeper truth! In the . . . in the whole vast configuration of things, I'd say you were nothing but a scurvy little non-journalist spider!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Back in Mr.Blogger’s office.

MR. BLOGGER: I see. I've suddenly become quite important. What kind of evidence do you have, Dan? Have you got any eyewitnesses?

DAN (shaking his head): No.

MR. BLOGGER: Matched Selectic fonts? Originals? Collateral evidence of any kind?

DAN (pulls out policy): uhh... I have this fax from Kinkos.

POTTER (sarcastically): Look at you. You used to be so cocky! You were going to go out and conquer the news world! You once called me a warped, insignificant rumor mill. Well who’s the rumor mill now? A miserable little forger crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help. No evidence –– nothing but a miserable little fax… in Times New Roman, no less. Why don't you go to the network riff-raff you love so much and ask them to verify your story? You know why? Because they'd as soon kill you for a rating point . . .But I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you, Dan. I'm going to post the evidence right here on the blogosphere… forgery –– manipulation –– malfeasance . . .

Dan turns and runs toward the Brooklyn Bridge as Mr. Blogger logs on to TypePad.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dan and Clarence, wet and shivering on the banks of the East River.

DAN: If it hadn't been for me, everybody'd be a lot better off. My news division, Mary, my sponsors. Look, little fellow, go off and haunt somebody else, will you?

CLARENCE: So you still think killing yourself would make everyone feel happier, eh?

DAN (dejectedly): I guess you're right. I suppose it would have been better if I'd never been born at all.

CLARENCE: What'd you say?

DAN: I said I wish I'd never been born!

CLARENCE: Oh, you mustn't say things like that. You ... wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's an idea. All right. You've got your wish, Dan. You've never been born.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Clarence shows Dan what the world would be like without him. No longer Black Rock Falls, the town has become Bloggersville – a vulgar parade of sleazy conservative websites, FoxNews billboards, and talk radio. They stop in at Le Circe. Once a friendly watering hole for network journalists, it is rougher, seedier.

DAN: I’ll have my regular table, Jean-Claude.

JEAN-CLAUDE: Do I know you, sir?

DAN: Why, it’s me, Jean-Claude – Dan, Dan Rather!

CLARENCE: He can’t know you, Dan. Don’t you remember? You’ve never been born.

DAN: Is this some sort of joke, doggone it? It’s me, I tell ya! Turn on the TV, it’s 10 PM Wednesday! I’m on CBS!

Jean-Claude turns on the bar TV.

TV VOICE: Welcome to 60 Minutes II. I’m your host, Rush Limbaugh.

DAN: Aaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!

JEAN-CLAUDE: I must ask you to leave sir.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dan follows Mary Mapes down the streets of Bloggersville

DAN: Stop her! Stop that woman! She’s my producer!

BYSTANDER: Maniac… somebody hit him with a bottle.

DAN: Mary! Stop! It’s me, Dan!

MARY: Get away from me, you psycho!

CLARENCE: It’s no use, Dan. She doesn’t know you. Without you to broadcast her stories, she has become an old maid, producing Mumia segments for Pacifica and NPR.

DAN: Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence. Get me back. Get me back. I don't care what happens to me. Only get me back to my teleprompter. Help me, Clarence, please! Please! I want to report again!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

MARY: Dan, darling! Where have you been?

Dan and Mary embrace tearfully.

MARY: Oh, Dan, Dan, Dan!

DAN: Mary! Let me touch you! Oh, you're real!

MARY: Oh, Dan, Dan!

GEORGE: You have no idea what's happened to me!

MARY: You have no idea what happened ... well, come on, Dan, come to the editing room quick. They're on their way!

Mary leads Dan to a position in front of the Avid machine.

MARY: Come on in here now. Now, you stand right over here, right there, and don't move, don't move. I hear 'em now, George, it's a miracle! It's a miracle!

Mary runs toward front door and flings it open. An excited crowd can be heard. Old Uncle Walter, covered with snow and carrying a basket filled with video tapes, bursts in. He is followed by Mike Wallace and Leslie Stahl, and about twenty more journalists.

MARY: Come in, Uncle Walter! Everybody! In here!

Uncle Walter, Mary and the crowd come into the living room. A table stands in front of Dan. Uncle Walter dumps the basketful of Bush story leads onto the table.

UNCLE WALTER: Isn't it wonderful?

The rest of the crowd, smiling and cheerful, comes forward with uncovered Bush documents. In their pockets, in shoe boxes, in coffee pots. Evidence pours onto the table –– faxes, photocopies, affadavits, exit polls. More people come in. The place becomes a bedlam. Dan stands there overcome and speechless as he holds Robin and Mary.

UNCLE WALTER: Mary did it, George! Mary did it! She told a few networks you were in trouble, and they scattered all over town collecting rumors! They didn't ask any questions –– just said: "if Dan is in trouble –– count on me." Every network, plus CNN and MSNBC and the Times! You never saw anything like it!

TED KOPPEL: Here you are, Dan - an interview with a man who swears he saw Bush snort cocaine in 1975. Merry Christmas!

ED BRADLEY: Mr. Soros! Merry Christmas! Step right up here.

SOROS: I gotta-dese from-a da Move-a On.org!

DAN: Aaron Brown!

AARON: I thought you could use these Abu Ghraib PhotoShops.

KEITH OLBERMANN: Here’s a rumor that Karl Rove hacked into the Ohio voting machines. I was saving it for my show, if ever I get an audience.

TERRY MCAULIFFE (dropping in a fax): If it wasn’t for you Dan, I wouldn’t have a roof over my head.

ED BRADLEY: Just a minute. Quiet, everybody! Quiet –– quiet. A telegram from CBS News. (reading): Cannot verify Guard documents. Stop. My office instructed to offer you new contract as Investigative Reporter with fat raise. Stop. Hee-haw and Merry Christmas. Andrew Hayward.

The crowd breaks into a cheer. Leslie Stahl sits down at the piano and starts playing "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing," and the entire crowd joins in. In the midst of this scene, Jason Blair enters, accompanied by Daniel Okrent.

JASON BLAIR: Hello, Dan, how are you?

DAN: Jason ... Jason ...

JASON (as he sees the documents): Mary –– looks like I got here too late.

OKRENT: Mary, I got him here as quickly as I could. The fool cancelled a book signing to fly here in a blizzard. How about a little wine, everybody?

JASON: A toast ... to my hero and big brother, Dan Rather, the richest man in town! Thanks to his new Viacom contract.

Leslie at the piano and Tom Brokaw on his accordion start playing "Auld Lang syne," and everyone joins in. Dan glances down at the pile of documents on the table. His eye catches something on top of the pile. It is Clarence's copy of "Fortunate Son." He opens it and finds an inscription: "Dear Dan, remember no man is a failure who has a network development contract. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence."

MARY: What's that?

DAN: That's a Christmas present from a very dear friend of mine.

A little silver bell on the Christmas tree swings to and fro with a silvery tinkle. Robin points to the bell.

ROBIN: Look, Daddy. Teacher says, every time a bell rings, a demon gets his bat wings.

DAN: That's right, that's right.

He looks into the flames crackling in the fireplace and winks.

DAN (cont'd): Attaboy, Clarence!

THE END

Comments

[DrLaszlo]

From one corn-blower to the next --- How does the midwest produce so many eccentricly humouress pixel pixies?

They come from places like Des Moines and Omahell, but goddamm, if they all weren't in Chicago at one time or another.

Praise be!!!

The Written Word Is Blood!!!

[baby sleep]

Your blog is getting funnier every day! You´ve a great mind... should do a comedy standup

Heidi

[dankbubba]

The parody is great. But, I can't condone switching the good guys and bad guys on my all time favorite xmas classic.

As for the SNL spoof mentioned, can anybody give me an idea how that went?
I saw it once, somehow uncle billy and george figure out potter has "stolen"
the money and the people go over to beat potter to death? How did they determine that potter had the money??

thanks

[Mike]

Very funny parody; right up there with the Dana Carvey/SNL spoof of the same movie.

One more thing. Fix your "about" page.

Corn is good.

[DrZin]

Perfect satire. Makes Rob Long look even mediocre'er.

[F451]

Ia! Ia! Cthulhu fhtagn! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah-nagl fhtagn!

(Leastwise, that's how folks down Innsmouth way say it.)

[papertiger]

You people.

I bet you would look at the Mona Lisa, and say "Well... her smile is crooked. There are no teeth. But other then that it's a pretty good likeness" *

*(You might, if you weren't avoiding Paris like the plague. You are avoiding Paris, right?)

[Joshua]

Also, Mr. Blogger's last piece of dialogue is labeled "POTTER:".

[Anne Bennett]

"the town has become Bloggersville – a vulgar parade of sleazy conservative websites, FoxNews billboards, and talk radio"
Now there's a place I could hang out!

[Andy]

Ooooooh.... I like the twist at the end

And "I’m your host, Rush Limbaugh."

hahahaha - too funny

[CCR]

One of Iowahawks weaker pieces IMO. Some holiday movies are so bad it rubs off on parodies.

[Ginger]

BRAVO!

[Jimmy "The Greek" Krastapopolis]

Funny!

How about a parody of MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON, called "MICHAEL MOORE GOES TO WASHINGTON" -- where intrepid journalist Michael Moore endures a 48-hour eat-a-thon to save the "2004 Recount" and declares the election a sham.

Jimmy Krastapopolis
http://jimmythegreek.blogspot.com/

[MM]

Hi-effing-larious.
Well done.

[Larry]

Dan-Derful Life is a tour de force...

[Rock]

I know it goes without saying, but --- ROFLMAO! :)

[J. Marquis]

Great stuff! You are one funny blogger. I've been telling my friends to check out your site.

[Amelia]

Nothing better than starting my day with a tremendous laugh! Thanks for making a cold, dreary morning filled with holiday chores so much more enjoyable! I now have a big smile and occasional chuckle to mystify my guests.

[snellenr]

UNCLE WALTER: Mary did it, George! Mary did it!

And another small goof... but I thought the gifts were perfect.

[mistercalm]

MARY: Come on in here now. Now, you stand right over here, right there, and don't move, don't move. I hear 'em now, George, it's a miracle! It's a miracle!

One eensy-beensy goof, but otherwise another enjoyable read!