Healings, Whoa-whoa-whoa, Healings

Five days and counting, and our long awaited national healing is still having trouble gaining traction (hat tips: Blair, Ace, LGF, Treach). In the fervent hope that they will help our progressive fellow citizens find the will to endure another Bush dystopia, here is a fresh batch of "healies." Previous reasons to be cheerful can be found here and here).

• Bush may have won the Wal Mart vote, but you mopped up at Whole Foods and Dean & Deluca. In the next election, you can win back the hearts and minds of swing shoppers with money-saving store specials on organic arugula.
• Those so-called "security moms" who voted for Bush seem to be a motivated by danger and fear. So let's say next time they got a few anonymous notes in the mailbox pointing out how easy it would be to kidnap their snot-nosed kids while they are distracted in the voting booth. Man, I'm just sayin'.
• In the South, Democrats are on the cusp of winning back support from blue collar "NASCAR dads." Imagine the look on Karl Rove's face when he sees 150,000 'good ol' boys' cheering on Howard Dean in the #99 MoveOn.org Toyota Prius, roaring down the backstretch at Talledega at a sane, fuel-efficient 55 mph.
• So the smug Republicans think they have a lock on the Evangelical segment? Distribute a  couple million copies of the new "Gideon Bible - George Soros Edition" to the Tennessee snake handlers, and we'll see who corners the Jesus freak vote.
• For the 2008 MTV "Rock the Vote" campus youth education tour, remember to leave open dates for October 7 and October 24. That's when Springsteen and Mellencamp are scheduled for hip replacement surgery.
• Let's face it, Bush had hate radio and "fair and balanced" Fox pushing him during the entire campaign. To counteract the incessant bias of "Faux News," Democrats need to have their own media voice. I've got an idea -- why not line up three or four television network news organizations, a couple of weekly news magazines and a dozen or so major newspapers to run non-stop anti-GOP stories? I know it sounds crazy, but it just might work.
• Bush and his cronies won this election by banging the "morality" drum. In response, Democrats need to bang some drums of their own. Snares, tom-toms, hi-hats, bongos, congas, whatever, as long as the people know that Democrats have drums too, and are willing to use them. And also, don't forget the fog machine.
• Forget this secession business. Instead, declare yourself as Real America, and kick Jesusland out of the Union! Let's see who's laughing after the hicks in Oklahoma realize that the East Village and Los Feliz has voted them off America Island.
• Above all, it's critical that Democrats sell their vision to the American public, whatever that vision turns out to be. If American history teaches us anything, it is that marketing sizzle is enhanced by high-impact graphics and sweepstakes tie-ins.
• Finally, stories like this remind me of the wise man who once said that "the senseless death of another person diminishes all of us." If you're a left winger who is so despondent over the election that you are seriously considering suicide, I'd like to say thank you, because I'm trying to diminish another five or ten pounds before the big inaugural party season.

Comments

[MaxedOutMama]

I died laughing. Thank you for the glorious exit. I just don't think Air America stands a chance. You have been linked and disseminated, oh bird of prey.

[Jim Treacher]

I'd like to take this opportunity to complain about your link to me not working.

[mrs mcmuffin]

Mr Hawk, you are a bad man. Funny though.

[Gnome Chumpsky]

"Above all, it's critical that Democrats sell their vision to the American public"

It's pretty clear that they have already accomplished this.