Healing Yet To Commence

Yipes! Looks like this whole America-healing thing has been a bit slower than earlier anticipated. We here at Iowahawk are all about keeping hope alive, so here's fresh batch of positives to keep our progressive friends warm during the upcoming Rovian ice age:

• If you look at the electoral map, one thing is abundantly clear: Democrats still control several strategically important harbors. If the rightwing nuts decide to attack Sausalito, they'll have to come directly through your flanks.
• When you dig into the demographics of the red states, the first thing that jumps out is their huge population growth and birth rates. With so many uncontrolled herds of screaming babies running underfoot in places like Utah and Texas, eventually these people will have to start clamoring for abortion rights.
• Money is the lifeblood of politics, and Democrats were able to establish a solid fundraising network in 2004. This will stand you in good stead in future elections. When you go back to George Soros and Steve Bing in 2008 and ask them for another $150 million, make sure you point out all the successes you accomplished this year.
• Sure, Canada is cold and bleak, with staggering unemployment rates. But they have free health insurance, and unlike the Amerikkkan Nazi fuctard hellhole, nobody in Canada is going to question your patriotism.
• Mandate? Puh-leeze! 60 million votes represents only 20% of the U.S. population, and barely more than the population of France!
• On an up note, Democratic efforts to increase voter turnout was a major success story in 2004. Progressives have shown that they know how to get first-timers and young people to the polling booth. Next time, you can work on the problem of making them vote for you.
• The election is mercifully over, so we can finally refocus our attention on the valid barometers of American opinion, like John Zogby and Michael Moore.
• Kerry's lack of success in the South was largely due to the fact that Southerners are uneducated and often 'slow.' Studies have found that special needs students often learn better through repetition, so it will be important to continually remind Southerners that they are violent inbred monkey-people.
• With the elections completed, the New York Times points out that governing requires compromise, and therefore Bush must strike a concilliatory tone and reach across the aisle. When he does, remain very still, until the last moment, and then... BAM! That's when you can get him.
• The election has provided the progressive movement with a number of key learning points. For instance, it is clear that American voters are not swayed by condescending celebrities. In future campaigns, tell the celebrities to emphasize other important emotions, like anger and contempt. 
• When I was a teenager, I was once jilted by a girl that I thought I loved -- and I thought loved me. Just when I thought I would never get over the heartbreak, my mom told me that "we all have a soulmate, you just have to find them." Keep in mind there's a special country out there, somewhere, who loves you, and is waiting for you to love them and govern them, regardless of what the restraining order says.

Comments

[Thom]

Just wanted to say thanks, I enjoy your writing.
Thom

[jane m]

As a fellow Iowan, you make me proud. And Jane Smiley (who wrote a book about some rich incestuous Iowa farm family) says ignorance is our fly-over pioneering spirit legacy, that and violence, while you prove her wrong with your devastatingly brilliant wit and sarcasm. Yee-hah? You should send this stuff into the Register.

[A.R.Yngve]

Have you considered gathering your funniest blog posts into a book? (Proposed title: BEST OF IOWA HAWK).

I'm sure it would sell, especially if you include the instant-classic Dan Rather/Wile E. Coyote spoof. :)

Keep up the good work!

-A.R.Yngve
http://yngve.bravehost.com

[Iron Fist]

[Dark, malevolent laughter]

Those poor, poor liberals. They just need to have oral sex with a shotgun. Ya pump it, and pull the trigger, for libs who are unfamiliar with the workings of a shotgun.

When the gauge has its orgasm, their problems in this will go away.

As for the next...

You never said forever could ever hurt like this

[David]

Wickedly funny.

Ironhawk, please e-mail me if you see this:
[email protected] in the next half hour. Trying to book you for the radio today. Need to hook-up quick. The show goes on in 3 hours.

[Pixy Misa]

It's brilliant, except... I've been reading Slate today, and this really is what they're saying. Well, except that they take ten times as many words to say it.

Damn these people! They're so far adrift that you can't even make a decent parody!

Please check your e-mail. You'll see a message from me, vince daniels inviting you to guest on a talkshow today. Hope you see this in time and will read it and call me on my cell. My apologies for this being last minute. Thanks.

Please check your e-mail. You'll see a message from me, vince daniels inviting you to guest on a talkshow today. Hope you see this in time and will read it and call me on my cell. My apologies for this being last minute. Thanks.

[Russ]

Good God, man! I laughed till I coughed and nearly died. Thank you!

[Right Wing Bob]

Pure evil. Keep it up.

[smitty]

Wow, if you put all the "Blue" counties together they'd easily fit in Texas or, better yet, France.

[midwestern man]

God bless Oklahoma and Nebraska! The only two
states with out a single blue county!

[violentinbredmonkeyperson]

Shee-it, if that don't beat all, y'all! That there's the gosh-durn funninest thang since Uncle Cletus got blind drunk and shot up the still! Hee-yuk yuk yuk! Heee...