Iowahawk Endorses

NYC drinking pal D.G. Bennett of Pave France writes with a request:

When will you take your editorial duties in hand and declare Iowahawk for Mr. Bush? Sure, sure you may lose some of your fat cat advertisers, but is it better to be morally and editorially sound or filthy rich and hollow?

Not so fast, D.G. I believe you're forgetting "morally filthy" and "editorially hollow." Also, this is arguably the most important presidential election in our nation's history, and it would be wrong for Iowahawk to rush off willy-nilly and blindly cast its support behind one candidate. Before announcing our official endorsement, Iowahawk believes it is critical for voters to consider the top issues of the day, and contrast the respective positions of the incumbent, George W. Bush, and his main challenger Worldwide Islamofascism. Let's review how the candidates stack up.

HEALTHCARE

The Administration has frequently pointed to the Prescription Drug for Seniors law as key accomplishment of President Bush, but this new federal entitlement has prompted many troubling questions. For example, what about those of us who are not seniors? And what's the big hangup about prescription drugs? The price of blunts continues to rise without seeming limit, leaving millions of ordinary non-senior Americans to face a stark choice between getting a decent buzz or keeping our Cinemax subscription.

President Bush has shown little interest in this growing national problem, and has forwarded no specific proposals to ease the cost of either Chronic or Cinemax. To its credit, Worldwide Islamofascism has released a specific 19-point plan for revamping Americans' health, based on Canadian and European principles. Unfortunately, it is entitled "Let the Sewers Choke With The Blood of The Americans and Their Filthy Zionist Masters."

Edge: President Bush

FEDERAL SPENDING AND THE DEFICIT

This is another area where President Bush has sorely disappointed. Profligate spending by the administration and their Republican allies in Congress has resulted in massive federal budget deficits which will eventually translate into higher interest rates. Iowahawk believes the challenger, Worldwide Islamofascism, has the proven fiscal discipline to drive the deficit down by reining out-of-control defense spending. We also believe that Worldwide Islamofascism's plan to streamline federal government by moving it to a remote cave in Pakistan would also provide important additional savings. However, we are concerned that the Worldwide Islamofascist plan to behead moneylenders and usurers could make it difficult to restructure long-term government debt.

Edge: President Bush

JOBS AND THE ECONOMY

President Bush has shown mixed results for his economic policies and leadership. While administration officials are eager to point out evidence of a brisk economic recovery, job growth has remained sluggish, especially in the manufacturing sector. The President says he would create more jobs by making his tax cut permanent. Worldwide Islamofascism says it will create new jobs for low-skill young male workers by publicly beating unveiled women, and will promote robust job growth in the construction sector through innovative nuclear attacks on major cities.

Edge: President Bush

GAY MARRIAGE

Iowahawk believes the state should not bar marriages between two consenting adults. Perhaps the best way to think about the Gay marriage issue is by analogy; imagine, for example, that Iowahawk is stranded on a desert island paradise with two hot bikini-clad nymphos and two male models. If the two male models decide to have a tasteful lagoonside ceremony to declare their everlasting love, Iowahawk believes that the rest of the island society should accept and aknowledge it, and move on to the serious business of repopulating. And if by chance the two hot bikini nymphos also turn out to be Gay, Iowahawk believes that's cool too, and encourages them to express their sexuality openly and freely, maybe this afternoon in that one clearing over by the plane wreck.

Frankly, President Bush has been a disappointment on the Gay marriage issue. As Island Tribal Chief, Mr. Bush has opposed the male models' right to their lagoon ceremony, and instead offers them a palm frond designating a less-than-official "civil union". We believe this unwise approach is insulting to Gays, and has resulted in false hope among island nymphos. Unfortunately, Mr. Bush's opponent, Worldwide Islamofascism, has indicated they would stone the male models to death, force the bikini nymphos to wear burqqas, and toss Iowahawk into the volcano.

Edge: President Bush

EDUCATION

Touting his record as Texas Governor, President Bush said he wanted to be known as the 'education President' during the 2000 election campaign. While his administration has made some progress in the area of Education -- most notably the 'No Child Left Behind Act' -- there are still many problems facing America's schools. A second Bush administration will have to address overcrowded classrooms, people cutting in line with their minivans during AM dropoff, and that weird sawdust smell coming from the custodian's closet. While we certainly agree with Worldwide Islamofascism that American children should receive more intensive one-on-one instruction and diagnostic testing, we believe that their plan for a national K-12 curriculum based solely on the Qu'ran lacks local flexibility. On the contrary, we believe the decision whether to savagely beat students for improperly reciting Koranic verses should rest with local school boards and teachers.

Edge: President Bush

SAWING OFF INFIDEL HEADS

This has proven to be one of the more divisive issues of the 2004 campaign, with President Bush taking a hardline position against infidel head-sawings while Worldwide Islamofascism has adopted a much more pro-choice stance. President Bush has indicated that he considers the question a 'litmus test' issue for federal judicial appointments. At Iowahawk, we know there are strong passions on both sides of this contentious issue, and the debate is unlikely to change any minds. We prefer the President's stance, but understand our position may anger readers who support the rights of believers to saw off infidel heads.

Edge: President Bush

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Conclusion: Iowahawk endorses President Bush. And takes the week off.

Comments

[Elizabeth M. Cole]

My (str8 male) friend has a T, "I support gay marriage--when both chicks are really HOT!"

[My 2 Cents]

Very nicely done! Humorous, and with a remarkably high truth content (which is really quite scary, if you think about it).

[Skinbad]

Their "stance," when thinking about lesbians in general, is a little bit bent over--hands in pockets (or robes).

[CCR]

She, her parents, and just about everyone else in America who doesn't pray towards Mecca five times a day must be stoned.

[beo]

Hmm. I see your point. But what about Worldwide-Islamofascism's stance on Dick Cheney's daughter being a lesbian?