Heinz-Kerry Backtracks, Offers Laura 'Real Job'
First Lady hopeful Teresa Heinz-Kerry today apologized for her earlier apology for a yet-earlier apology, in which she expressed regret for comments made about First Lady Laura Bush in a USAToday interview.
When asked to list differences between herself and Mrs. Bush, she had originally said that "well, I don't know, but you know, I guess, that there is that annoying twinkle in her eye, and as far as I know she has never had a real job, in her adult life, whereas I have many, many years of experience dealing with many troubling real world issues, like insolent kitchen staffs, and selecting color schemes for the Scaramouche."
After GOP spokesmen pointed out that Mrs. Bush had in fact spent several years as a teacher and librarian in Texas public schools, Mrs. Heinz Kerry issued a hasty mea culpa.
"I had in fact forgotten that Mrs. Bush had worked as a teacher, which is easily the most important and underpaid jobs in America, before she burned out and became an indolent suburban hausfrau," she said in press release clarifying her interview comments.
After Bush aide Karen Hughes angrily complained that Heinz-Kerry's apology was "an insult to American stay-at-home moms," she issued another clarification at a press conference in Defiance, OH.
"I sincerely apologize, and I meant in no way to denigrate the tragic plight of America's barefoot and pregnant white trash women," said Heinz-Kerry. "They are the real heroes, facing the daily living hell of raising their ugly and unwanted children, and many must make do without access to the most basic childcare staff or personal Esalen trainers."
As Bush-Cheney campaign officials late today announced a $28 million swing state ad blitz featuring Heinz-Kerry's apologies, her staff released a new videotaped apology clarification.
"I am deeply sorry for any remarks that I have made, or might make in the future, that could have been, or will possibly be seen, as insulting to Mrs. Bush," Mrs. Heinz-Kerry says in the video, reading from a prepared statement. "In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to offer Laura Bush a real job with my staff, in the raisin-soaking department."
Kerry spokeswoman Mary Beth Cahill announced later that Mrs. Heinz-Kerry would be taking a two week break from the campaign trail to "catch some 'me time'" on a remote island in Micronesia.
Liz Edwards Defends Hubby Gay Remarks, Urges Support for 'Beard' Community
The flap over John Kerry and Jon Edwards' debate responses continued today, as VP candidate wife Elizabeth Edwards defended the Democratic team's citation of Dick Cheney's openly gay daughter Mary.
Reacting to Lynn Cheney's complaint that Kerry was "not a good man" for referring to her daughter as "Sappho Mary" and "a committed vagitarian" in his third debate with George Bush, Edwards said that "if Mrs. Cheney has a problem with her daughter 'dining at the Y' she ought to take it up with her daughter, not Senator Kerry. Obviously, the Cheneys have a hard time pschologically dealing with their daughter's taste in she-man LPGA carpet. They're the ones with the gay problem, not us."
Mrs. Edwards added that "as Democrats, we believe that gay citizens should be welcomed freely in society, whether they are teachers, artist, or a bulldyke softball leather fetishist like Dick Cheney's daughter."
Edwards said that her husband's remarks were "completely supportive" of Cheney, and were meant to encourage gays to stand up to societal homophobia.
"For too long, Republican-fueled hate has kept gays fearful and in the closet, often with tragic consequences," she explained. "For example, even today gay men are frequently locked in loveless marriages of convenience, for no other reason than to provide a flimsy facade to society."
"This is a tragedy for everyone, particularly the unsuspecting wife," said Edwards. "She is that plain small town girl who meets the handsome -- yet oddly fussy -- prelaw student at the fraternity smoker, her undeveloped 'gay-dar' too weak to recognize his obsessive hair primping and unusual effeminate chattiness. Soon they are dating, but he shows little interest in sex, always claiming he has 'a big tort midterm' or other excuse. Still, she would rather stay with this eerily pretty man who shows no interest in other women, even if it means letting him have his regular Wednesday through Saturday 'boys nights out' in Charlotte or Raleigh or Atlanta. On their wedding night, he tearfully agrees to have sex, but only if the lights are out. They have a few children for appearances sake, the only glue in their relationship his massive new wealth. He wins a high political office, and cruises the bars of Georgetown while she stays home alone with the children, drowning her pain in quart after quart of Hagen Daaz, wondering what happened to her life as she balloons past 215 pounds."
"If only these women could meet a real man, like my John," she added.
Micronesia - a bad bad choice. Micronesia is the only country, apart from the US, that supports Israel, and probably the only country, except Israel, that supports Bush.
Posted by: snooze | October 25, 2004 at 08:56 AM
iowahawk,
You know that if every time we wanted to say "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!" we did, you would crash for bandwidth overages, so, I'll got say: Thank You!
Posted by: Geepers | October 22, 2004 at 02:04 PM
They're almost making it too easy for you, aren't they.
I would like a new monitor also. One with a sperm guard would be nice.
Posted by: Darren | October 21, 2004 at 08:17 PM
You owe me a new monitor!! LOL TOO FUNNY!!
Posted by: The Loan Arranger | October 21, 2004 at 08:01 PM