Resolved: Camel Gridsters Top Washington High Debate Squad, 368-0
Coach Glen Bauer’s “new look” Washington High football team -- featuring skill players drawn from the champion WHS Debate Club -- struggled under the lights Friday, losing a 368-0 non-conference tilt to cross town rivals Alhambra High at Rosenquist Stadium, which was destroyed midway through the third quarter.
The Camels scored early and often, building up a 264-0 halftime lead over the Eagles en route to the shutout. The final margin was deceptively close, as Alhambra coasted with reserve players during the second half while starters pillaged and razed the stadium and WHS school grounds.
Alhambra featured a balanced run-pass attack, piling up over 3000 total yards, scoring 12 safeties, and converting all 43 of their two point conversion attempts before setting flame to the Washington High Arts Annex.
QB Josh Meier led the Camels with 712 yards passing, 551 yards rushing, and 6 solo beheadings. Swift-witted junior tailback D’Andre Evans led the Eagles with negative 17 yards on one carry and two clever interrogatories, before he was airlifted to Mercy Medical Center.
The loss snapped the Eagles’ 44-game winning streak and dropped them into a three-way tie for second place in the Suburban West Conference. Despite the setback, Bauer said the Eagles would stick with their new verbal finesse defensive scheme.
“In football, any new system is going to take time to learn, especially one based on executing counter arguments and proper enunciation,” said Bauer. “We had some bright spots tonight, especially on special teams oratory.”
“But obviously we’ve got a lot of work to do, and we’re eager to get back on the practice field as soon as the groundskeepers remove all of the plowed-in salt,” he added. “We all want to win, and we just ask the fans to have patience.”
However, patience seemed to be in short supply last night as many of the surviving members of the WHS Booster Club openly questioned Bauer’s game plan.
Chalk Talk
Bauer took over the reins of the Eagles last week following a rancorous student referendum battle against former WHS head coach Ted Somersby. Despite a long winning streak that included two state titles, Somersby had been the recent target of intense criticism from other WHS faculty. Some faulted his unimagative playbook, some pointed to player injuries, while others – especially in the Arts department – questioned the very legitimacy of football.
A veteran English teacher, Bauer emerged last year as the leading voice in the anti-Somersby camp. Besides being coach of the highly regarded WHS Debate Society, Bauer also had football credentials. He was a letterman on Washington’s record setting 0-11 1977 team, an experience he frequently pointed to in his campaign to oust Somersby.
“We may have not won a game that season, and perhaps we didn’t score any touchdowns,” he told the WHS Booster Club in July, “but we came together as a team, as brothers, to question the game, and isn’t that what football is really all about?”
Bauer’s gridiron experience in the 1970s allowed him to maintain an ambivalent stance toward the football program and acted as a bulwark against accusations of anti-footbalism from the Somersby camp. When Somersby pointed out that Bauer had opposed new helmets for the team in 2003, Bauer noted that “I voted for the $8700 before I voted against it.”
Bauer began de-emphasizing his 1977 WHS football exploits after reports emerged that he had faked injuries, traded his varsity letter for a dime bag of marijuana, sabotaged teammates’ athletic supporters with Kramergesic, and falsely accused coaches of molestation. Instead, Bauer began to point out his experience as a forensics coach and challenged Somersby to a pre-election face off.
At their late September pep rally debate in the Multipurpose Room, Bauer displayed the rhetorical polish that sent his Eagle debaters to Sub-State three years running.
“I wouldn’t do just one thing different with this team, I would do everything different,” he told the assembly. “This is the wrong game, at the wrong time, at the wrong school, and I have a plan for winning so that the players can come home and study for the PSATs by Thanksgiving.”
Bauer said his victory plan would include “the devastating might of the elite WHS debate squad,” participation from other area schools, and “multilateral support from the French Club.”
Bauer leveled several charges at Somersby, warning students that the incumbent coach had “a secret plan to involuntarily put you on the punt team,” and insinuating that Assistant Coach Mel Snyder was financially profiting from to the concession stand.
“Coach Somersby, it’s time to come clean on Snyder’s corporate connection to the Snickers group,” said Bauer.
Somersby, an auto shop instructor, appeared annoyed and disengaged during the debate, preferring only to point out Washington’s lengthy win skein.
“We are working hard, and that is hard work,” said Somersby. “The record shows that our hard work is working, and is why hard work works. Go, Eagles.”
Bauer’s strong showing in the debate may have been the decisive factor that tilted the referendum in his favor. While Somersby enjoyed a near-unanimous vote from the football team, Bauer eked a narrow victory by consolidating the support of Debate team, the Journalism Honors Society, the Language Arts Club, the Goths, the A/V club, and a flood of absentee ballots from the Unregistered Students Club.
“It’s a new day for Eagle football,” Bauer told cheering supporters at a victory celebration last Saturday. “From now on, there’s going to be a smarter, more proactive, more sensitive game plan.”
Game Night
The unconventional “Bauer-ball” style of play was evident early Friday night. Pulling a gadget formation from his playbook, Bauer inserted senior debate squad co-captain Brian Farrell to field the opening kickoff by himself.
“Brian is extremely quick on his feet,” Bauer later explained. “We thought he could freeze Alhambra with a devastating extemporaneous syllogism.”
The ploy backfired when a bone-jarring tackle caused Farrell to cough up the ball, which the Camels returned for a TD. After paramedics removed Farrell and his crumpled podium from the field, Alhambra converted for two and an early 8-0 lead.
On the ensuing kickoff, reserve Eagles return man Mike Wisniewski came prepared with pie charts but the result was largely the same, and the Caravan jumped ahead 16-0 with 14:41 to play in the first stanza. In lieu of flowers, the Wisniewski family requests a donation in Mike’s name to the National Debate Society.
The Eagles offense finally took the field after Alhambra’s third kickoff sailed out of bounds. On their first play from scrimmage Washington QB Cody Clark was sacked for a safety while attempting a flea-flicker ad hominem.
Washington enjoyed a brief positive moment after officials flagged the Camels for an excessive end zone celebration, during which they ritually dismembered WHS mascot Ernie the Eagle and draped his entrails over the goalposts. However, referee Bobby Young refused to walk off the penalty after threats from knife-wielding Alhambra coaches.
The rest of the first half followed the same pattern, as the Eagles' forensic defense was largely ineffective against Alhambra’s split wishbone. By midway through the second quarter, game officials had fled for safety as the Camels began scoring and setting fires at will.
At the halftime intermission, Bauer rallied the Eagles with a stirring parliamentarian argument to “go out there and win one for the Affirmative.” Spirits momentarily lifted, they would quickly learn that Alhambra had used the halftime break to fashion weapons and several crude explosive devices.
WHS kept the score closer in the final half as Alhambra players, by then disinterested in the game, began taking hostages from the Eagle PomPons and detonating bombs under the WHS bleachers. Alhambra’s Marching Caravan Band joined the melee, impaling several Eagle band members with sharpened trombone sliders.
Depleted by injuries, Coach Bauer used the stadium public address system to plead for volunteer players from the WHS French Club, unaware that it had already joined Alhambra fans in a mass looting of the WHS main campus. Facing the inevitable, Bauer offered a forfeit to Alhambra coach Tim Gustafson.
“Tough luck pal,” replied Gustafson. “At Alhambra, we play ball until the final gun.”
Postgame Show
As area Emergency Response teams continued to extinguish campus blazes and retrieve severed limbs Saturday morning, WHS Eagle Feather editor Megan Young urged WHS students and fans not to get discouraged by the outcome of the Alhambra game.
“When we endorsed Coach Bauer, we knew that he would take on Mr. Somersby’s stupid jockocracy and get WHS out of the football business,” said Young. “Now that the season is essentially over, we can use the leftover money from the football budget for essential school needs, like organ transplants and new monitors for the computer lab.”
As she surveyed the smoldering crater where Washington High once stood, Young admitted that new computers may be low on the school’s immediate priority list. Still, she said that the WHS student body would cope with their school’s indefinite closure.
“When you think about it, the building is just a pile of bricks and mortar,” said Young. “The real spirit of Washington High will live on in our hearts.”
Despite the lopsided gridiron loss, a massive rebuilding project, and a scramble to find temporary classroom space, she said that her surviving classmates remained upbeat.
“Like Coach Bauer says, we’ve got to stay optimistic for the future,” adds Young. “And just think of all the new friends we’ll make after the transfer to Alhambra.”
I'm back now from my Special High Intensity Training. You may continue.
Posted by: Darren | October 10, 2004 at 05:55 PM
A parable for our times.
Posted by: aelfheld | October 10, 2004 at 12:30 PM
It's official: I'm special (i.e. stupid). I just didn't get it when I started reading it. I knew it had to make sense, but I just didn't get it. Then part way through, I figured it out and had to go back and read it from the beginning.
It's great!
Posted by: JuanB | October 09, 2004 at 12:58 PM
Washington High alumni saw this coming when the school decided in Boston last summer to pull out of the Metro-X conference.
Posted by: conelrad | October 09, 2004 at 10:55 AM
"Also, will I be able to play piano again?"
Why, s-- hey, wait, that's the fifth time I've been asked that today...
Posted by: Dr Alice | October 08, 2004 at 05:25 PM
Okay, how about...
"She was hotter than the muffler tape on Duane's Camaro after a 12-hour drive to a Night Ranger concert in Tuscon"
Posted by: iowahawk | October 08, 2004 at 12:18 PM
I wish my analogies had the range of yours. I can barely lob them over the fence. Watch this.
"She was hotter than a whipped civet."
See what I mean?
Posted by: gary | October 08, 2004 at 11:55 AM
Hey Doc, it hurts when I do this.
Also, will I be able to play piano again?
Posted by: iowahawk | October 08, 2004 at 11:44 AM
In the realm of political satire, you, sir, are The Grand High Freak-Genius of the Metroverse.
Posted by: Vitamin Tom | October 08, 2004 at 10:10 AM
Hate to sound like a broken record... but, again, brilliant. Especially liked the "Alhambra Camels" vs the "Washington Eagles." Your range of analogies is amazing.
Posted by: Dr Alice | October 07, 2004 at 08:19 PM