RATHER BLAMES ROVE IN ROCKET-SKATE MISHAP

NEW YORK - Veteran anchorman Dan Rather implicated White House Political Director Karl Rove as "the mastermind behind the so-called Acme Group" after his rocket-powered roller skates exploded during a Wednesday CBS Evening News investigative report.

Rather had donned the controversial Acme skates -- along with an Acme brand Bat-Man suit -- in a complicated sting operation to reveal what he termed a "deep conspiracy between the White House and internet partisans to cover up George Bush's shameful military records."

The investigation went awry soon after Rather lit the skates, releasing what NYU Physics professor Alan Sokol estimated as "20,000 to 30,000 pounds of thrust." The heat of the initial explosion was so intense that it singed the hair off several nearby CBS reporters, including Rather's anchor heir-apparent John Roberts.

The blast sent Rather hurtling along 53rd Street toward the Hudson River at speeds estimated upwards of 200 miles per hour, scarcely slowing as the runaway skates drug the helpless journalist over, under and through stalled rush hour traffic.

Rather frantically righted himself just in time to hurtle cleanly though the side of an MTA bus at 7th Avenue, leaving a gaping Rather-shaped hole. The impact sent Rather careening down the stairs of the 50th Street subway terminal, through a turnstile, and onto the tracks of the Uptown-bound 1 train.

"The incoming tunnel was sparking and lighting up, I thought there was some kind of power problem," said Carla Robertson, who witnessed Rather speeding through the tunnel at the 34th Street platform. "Later I realized it must have been his ass hitting the third rail."

Robertson said she didn't pay much attention whe she saw a spread-eagle Rather, screaming along the tracks on rocket roller skates.

"This is New York, so we see celebrities all the time," said Robertson. "Then I realized he was heading downtown on the uptown tracks."

Witnesses as far as Chelsea report hearing the collision as Rather met the next oncoming train, which sent the newsman rocketing skyward through a man hole cover at 31st and Broadway, arms flailing wildly, his rocket skates sputtering their last spare ounces of fuel.

Midtown bystanders looked on in horror as the award-winning broadcast titan began plummeting from his 3000-foot apex. Amazingly, though, Rather's arm-flailing and prescient decision to wear the Bat-Man suit had paid off. Regaining composure after the initial shock, he began soaring over the skyline of Manhattan, swooping through its concrete canyons.

Rather's high-flying antics came to a abrupt conclusion when he splattered into the New York Times building. Momentarily stunned, he peeled off the side into a desperate pummet, not realizing his Bat-Man wings remained adhered to a 38th floor window.

Gasping for breath as he climbed from his Rather-shaped crater on 43rd Street, he quickly faced another ignomy: his impact had jarred loose a grand piano that was hanging from a rope outside William Safire's 30th-story office. As the shadow of the piano slowly grew, Rather pulled out a tiny umbrella and picket sign that read "Yipes!!"

His lump-covered head peering through the demolished keyboard, Rather finally played a off-key rendition of "Taps" his piano-key teeth.

Rather remains in guarded condition at Cedars-Sinai hospital, but says his legendary investigative ferocity "is as healthy as Olympic weightlifter's liver."

"Batten down the barn door, Aunt Gussie, we're got more stories coming, and I promise you that these will sting the Bush boys like syphillitic urine," said a defiant Rather.

Rather said that the CBS news team was already working on a new story that would "prove, once and for all, that Karl Rove made those rocket skates."

"I can't reveal much right now," added Rather. "We're still trying to line up the necessary catapult."

Comments

[killdeer]

Rather E. Coyote sends in his latest order from the ACME CATALOG they are rocket skates he gets them with in the week he puts them on and watches and george w. roadrunner(beep beep)comes speeding down the road he lights them and waits and waits and the KABOOM they explode on him leaving him looking worse for wear and mommenst later a big truck comes by and WHAM he is in worse shap you could ever imagine

[ballantrae]

"spread-eagled"? ROTFLMAO!

This is classic, Iowa. You must be from here if you know the subway as well as you do. (Yes folks, the 1 train goes through Penn Station)

I think this blog is great.

-ron

[Clark Oliver]

I don't know how to do the whole trackback thing, but I linked to you here: http://croliver.blog-city.com/read/trackback/824984.htm

[Jeff Brazill]

Uhmmmm... something weird...

My post shows up under "kiwinews" and doesn't show up under my name.

Is your blogware auto-plagerizing?

[Jeff Brazill]

""This is New York, so we see celebrities all the time," said Robertson. "Then I realized he was heading downtown on the uptown tracks.""

TOOOO DAMN FUNNY!

[kiwinews]

Meep! Meep!
(I've got a cold)
Still can't hear "Born to be wild" without thinking of Heck's Preppies. YOu have afan for life in me.
Grüßi.

[aelfheld]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Mark]

Thanks for the laugh from a frustrating story. Great job!

[Strider]

You forgot the bit when he was going through the turnstile into the subway, and he hit the turnstile bar and swung around and around it at high speed before launching headlong down the stairs.

Other than that minor omission: Perfect!

[Yehudit]

That's what I love about living in NYC: seeing movies being filmed right in my neighborhood, not to mention the celebrity sightings . . . .

[Lowell Brown]

I just discovered you. Hilarious, wonderful stuff! I linked to you on my blog (http://hedgehogcentral.blogspot.com/), urged all my readers to do the same, and bookmarked you!

Thanks for the great witty stuff.

[Tim Faust]

Thanks for the incredable laugh. My stomach hurts. And yes, I AM still wearing my pajamas...

[blt]

Wonderful. And the Alan Sokol [sic???] reference was just, just . . . superb.

But did you change this? I first saw this posted on LGF. In the version Charles posted, "Sokol" was spelled "Sokal", which is the real spelling of physicist Alan Sokal's name. Are you trying to pull a fast one on us??? Or does Charles' magic correcto-computer (which can use MS-Word to make a perfect copy of a memo typed over 30 years ago) also fix names of physicists when he posts something?

[m. wing]

I can imagine a couple of conversations taking place during the docu-drama;

1.Between Burkett and Mapes, Mapes says;"now let's see you tried this when Bush was the Gov. and it didn't fly because you had no documents. Well, it won't fly now until you come up with the documents. Burkett says; "Okay".

2. Between Mapes and Dan, Mapes says; "hey boss, I finally got the documents you wanted" Dan Says;
"are they for real?" Mapes replies, "So what, even if those pajama clad bloggers prove they are fakes, you can always tell your listeners that CBS fabricated the truth."

[A.R.Yngve]

"This just in... Dan Rather, world-famous news anchor, suffered another accident after being released from hospital.

"This news footage shows Rather near the Washington Monument, and the events which followed.

"Around 11:10 AM, Rather was seen reading the blueprint for a plan marked 'PLAN A', drawn in white chalk. The plan, caught on camera, read as follows:

"'1. President jogs by. 2. Blow up base of Washington Needle with TNT. 3. Needle tips over. 4. Heh-heh!'

"Snickering to himself, Rather diverted police personnel by claiming he was doing a publicity stunt for '60 Minutes' -- and proceeded to the monument, carrying a box labeled 'ACME TNT'.

"At 11:50 hours, Rather placed the bundle of dynamite at the base of the needle, facing away from the path. Scanning the surroundings in a pair of Acme binoculars, Rather spotted the President approaching, jogging along the path in a tracksuit.

"At precisely 11:55 AM, Rather pressed the detonator switch and the dynamite went off. The blast echoed across the entire area. The President, who was wearing a set of thick Walkman headphones, did not notice the blast. He jogged past the monument, which stood in place.

"Enraged, Rather ran up to the base of the monument, and kicked it repeatedly. Muttering to himself, he started to walk away... when suddenly, with a sound similar to a falling tree, the monument started to tip over in Rather's direction.

"He noticed the shadow and started to run, but too late. We are still waiting for the rescue crew to free Rather, whose feet can now be seen sticking out from underneath the fallen obelisque.

"CBS is now investigating how the White House, which was situated suspiciously close to the scene, was involved in the accident."

Still waiting for the movie... ;-P

-A.R.Yngve
http://yngve.bravehost.com

[MEC2]

Only thing missing was a falling anvil. Oh, and the piano on the head, followed by the Beethoven statue...

[TK]

The Road Runner debuted on this day in 1949!

[blaster]

pricless, for everything else theres M/C

[zombyboy]

I second that beepbeep!

CBS is brilliant. Who would have thought that they could successfully morph their premier news program into something that can effectively compete with Fox?

There is no way the X-Files can compete with this.

[A.R.Yngve]

Hilarious! :)

I'm waiting for someone to actually produce an edited Roadrunner cartoon with Dan Rather superimposed on Wile E. Coyote.

Beep Beep!

-A.R.Yngve
http://yngve.bravehost.com

[Ernie G]

How appropriate that I'm reading this on Roadrunner. Even if he had not made a Rather-shaped hole in the wall while wearing Acme rocket skates, as Mr. Van Os said, "What difference would it make?"

[RichInOC]

Bravo, Hawk. There's only one thing left to say:

Beepbeep.

[Mus Zibii]

Everyone knows Coyote held up a little umbrella and a sign that said 'yipe' (no arbitrary 's' included). Seriously, one could do more research before simply posting a story.

There's a typo: it's not 'heir-apparent John Roberts'. It's 'hair-apparent'. Laura Ingraham told me.

I can't believe you misreported the events of this afternoon in such a shoddy and unblogsmanlike manner.

The little sign he held up said "Yikes!," not "Yipes!"

And you left out what font it was in (Bookman, oddly enough).