NEW YORK TIMES: C.I.A. USED 'PSYCH-OUTS' ON QAEDA BIGS
The Central Intelligence Agency has used coercive interrogation methods against a select group of high-level leaders and operatives of Al Qaeda that have produced growing concerns inside the agency about abuses, according to current and former counterterrorism officials.
Alleged coersion methods include threatening a detainee with a gun during questioning, use of reverse psychology and "truth or dare," taunting terror suspects with allegations of "chiiii-cken, bawk bawk b-kawk," and subjecting detainees to marathon audiotapes of Air America.
NEW ABUSE SHOCKER: MARINES USING HOT LEAD ON ALLEGED INSURGENTS
New US Iraq abuse allegation surfaced today, as the New York Times reported that the U.S. Marines tortured suspected Iraqi resistance forces with high-speed metal projectiles, resulting in nearly two dozen deaths.
According to Human Rights Watch, Marines in Fallujah were recently seen systematically perforating the flesh of Iraqi suspects with lead projectiles, "without a lawyer present, and before the were even arraigned."
"Lead is a known carcinogen, and this type of torture can be severely painful and inhumane," said Human Rights Watch spokesman Blake Schultz. "For Arab men, there is nothing more humiliating than exit wounds."
"If the reports are true, the U.S. is in clear violation of the Geneva conventions," said Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT). "I can't believe this happened without the knowledge and consent of the Administration."
KENNEDY: THRU BEER GOGGLES, 'SADDAM DOESN'T LOOK HALF BAD'
Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy today said that "Saddam's Torture Tavern has reopened under new U.S. management," and complained that "these new fuckers are watering down the drinks."
Kennedy added that "hey pal, you don't know me," as he slumped to the floor while reaching for his car keys.
BOSTON GLOBE CORRECTS ABUSE PIX STORY
The Boston Globe today issued a correction of a Abu Ghraib prison story it ran in Tuesday's edition, depicting what it said were photos of Iraqi detainees "being thrown from cliffs, put through washing machine wringers, dressed as women, sliced bread-style by clotheslines, pounded into the ground like nails by falling telephone poles, turned into human accordions, and smashed by falling objects including boulders, pianos and ocean liners." According to several websites, the images were actually animation cels from 1940s and '50s MGM and Warner Brothers cartoons.
The Globe said it was conducting an internal investigation of its recent award-winning 15 part abuse series, Naughty Wet Spankings of Shame, and was "actively reviewing" its policy of sourcing foreign affairs reports from Cambridge homeless shelters.
TORTURE GAL FINGERS HIGHER-UPS
Lyndee England, the U.S. soldier seen by millions leading Iraqi prisoners on leashes, implicated her American military superiors in the mistreatment of prisoners at the notorious Abu Ghraib prison.
"Sure, why not?" said England, when asked if she believed the orders may have come from the President.
England, who was playing Mortal Kombat II at a Fayetteville, North Carolina bowling alley lounge, also appealed to the American public for support and "a carton of Merit Menthol 100s."
EMBATTLED RUMSFELD REFUSES CHANCE TO APOLOGIZE
Even half a world away in Baghdad, embattled Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was unable to escape a mounting barrage of criticism for his handling of the Iraq torture crisis. Pressed by a pool of reporters for a response to demands for his resignation, Rumsfeld snapped angrily.
"Oh for goodness sake, do you mind? I'm making 'number two' here," said a visibly shaken Rumsfeld from a restroom stall at Baghram Air Force Base.
CRUMBLING BUSH FOCUS OF CONTROVERSY
(AP) Controversial US President George W. Bush remained the focus of increased rancor today as questions mounted about the clamorous uproar over the burgeoning abuse scandal whose growing momentum threatens to create another divisive wedge in an already angered electorate, which imperils his very administration as it teeters on the brink of disaster, and oh God oh God yes yes yes there it is right there baby uhhhhh AHH....AHH... JOURNALISM! JOURNALISM! JOURNALISM! uhhhh... mmm phhhhh
PRESS PLANS EXPANDED ABUSE COVERAGE
Heads of several major network and cable news operations announced expanded yearlong coverage of the Iraqi prison crisis today. "There is an insatiable, latent public demand out there for information about this scandal, and we intend to supply it," said CNN president Tom Johnson, announcing the premier of a color-coded buttocks on its news crawl to alert viewers to new scandal developments. Cable news rival MSNBC answered with 'Keith Olberman's Top 5 Abuses of the Day," and promised "20% increased screaming from Chris Matthews."
The major networks were quick to follow suit. ABC News said it would revamp the venerable 'Nightline' program as 'Abu Ghraib After Dark,' featuring a pajama-clad Ted Koppel. Starting May 20, CBS will premier 'CSI: Iraq', while NBC is posed to counter with "Marshall Law and Order: Special Victims Unit."
The NBC news division said it would also focus on hard news, sending the Today program on assignment to Iraq. According to an NBC press release, hosts Katie Couric and Matt Lauer will investigate torture stories "in an adorable camouflaged VW Beetle, which will be auctioned off on eBay for Breast Cancer Awareness."
Entertainment News
"Kerry Aside, Bush Is In Trouble," bleated one headline. That's about like saying, "Mondale Aside, Reagan Is In Trouble."
And then there's Lynndie England:
"I was instructed by persons in higher rank to 'stand there, hold this leash, look at the camera,' and they took a picture for PsyOps [psychological operations]," she told the station. "I didn't really, I mean, want to be in any pictures," she said. She also said she thought "it was kind of weird."
And which of the persons in your chain of command told you to participate in the gangbang pics, PFC England?
Jeebus.
Posted by: BarCodeKing | May 16, 2004 at 02:02 AM
appealed to the American public for support and "a carton of Merit Menthol 100s."
hehehehe merit menthols...
why do I get the feeling thats not a joke.
Posted by: rumcrook | May 15, 2004 at 11:55 PM
"For Arab men, there is nothing more humiliating than exit wounds."
This post was even funnier the second time I read it. It belongs in the Blogosphere Hall of Fame.
Posted by: The Commissar | May 14, 2004 at 02:11 PM
Dave,
Your so funny. Do you want to make out?
Posted by: A. Sullivan | May 14, 2004 at 11:32 AM
This is the best news site I've read today.
Naughty Wet Spankings of Shame!!!
You are too funny.
Posted by: rickrick | May 14, 2004 at 10:29 AM