DEAN LINKS MADRID BOMBS TO IRAQ, CRUSADES
WASHINGTON -- Former Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean said yesterday that the bombing deaths of 201 people in Spain were spurred in part by President Bush's decision to send troops to Iraq, and "the five hundred year infidel occupation of Al-Andalus."
"The president and his fraudulent coalition of archdukes and medieval bishoprics dragged our brave knights and vassals into the Andalusian quagmire," said Dean. "Look what we have to show for it."
"That was what they said in the tape," Dean added, referring to the purported Al Qaeda audiotape claiming responsibility for the bombings. "Jeesh, don't shoot me, I'm simply the messenger."
KERRY PLANS R&R AT SUN VALLEY, MONACO, BADEN-BADEN RETREATS
Presumptive Democratic candidate John Kerry will celebrate another round of primary victories with a 22-day R&R global tour of several of his vacation homes, according to campaign spokesmen.
"It has been a hard-fought primary race, and Senator Kerry will be taking some time off to relax, rejuvenate and enjoy some quality Swiss blood replacement therapy," said Kerry exotic animal reserve manager Klaus-Maria Umlaut.
Slated for the tour are Kerry's sprawling 'Xanadu' Idaho ski ranch, sailboating at 'Gigolo's Vineyard,' his private island off coastal Massachusetts, bocci ball at 'Condimenta,' his high-security palazzo compound in Tuscany, and a two week makeover session with French plastic surgeons at his exclusive 'Coeuer de Pourpre' villa in Baden-Baden.
"This will not be all play," said Umlaut. "In Idaho, Senator Kerry will be meeting with George Soros to develop programs to help America's forgotten middle class."
CHICAGO: WARD BOSSES CALL FOR INVESTIGATION INTO NON-FRAUD
Local Chicago Democratic aldermen and ward officials called for an investigation into "suspiciously low levels of vote fraud" after upstart candidate Barack Obama scored a decisive 54% - 23% victory over Illinois Comptroller Dan Hynes in yesterday's Illinois US Senate primary.
Hynes, the son of a Southside ward boss, was heavily backed by Chicago's powerful Democratic 'machine.'
"I find it just a little too convenient that Obama won without a single cemetery ward," said Eddie Hrbrnzdfjykiliski of the No Ties To Richard Daley Whatsoever Paving Contractors Association. "I smell a rat, unstuffing a few ballot boxes."
Political Scientist Michael DiBellis of DePaul University said the poor showing by Hynes may have been due to other factors.
"For instance, poor weather may have delayed the arrival of the AFL-CIO's pre-printed ballot trucks," said DiBellis. "Also, it was close to St. Patrick's day, so some of the paid wino voters may have been too drunk to pull the right lever."
Tuscany, eh? I understand that it's really hard to get a place there. Kerry must be pals with the Maestro.
Uhhh....sorry about that last. Forget I said it, okay?
Posted by: Mike | March 19, 2004 at 05:55 AM