News Briefs

Kerry to GOP: Stop 'Latent Attacks on My Patriotism'

Washington, DC - Democratic frontrunner John F. Kerry warned White House political operatives that he would "no longer sit idly while George Bush's traitorous hyena pack of cowardly America-hating political terrorists launch another subliminal attack on my patriotism."

"I didn't fight in Vietnam to put up with the near-palpable insinuations and arched eyebrows of Al Qaeda henchmen like Karl Rove," added Kerry.

Chicago Ceremony to Destroy 'Bartman Ball,' Bartman

Chicago - The infamous 'Bartman Ball,' centerpiece of the controversial play that might have cost the Chicago Cubs their first World Series berth in 58 years, will be destroyed tonight at during a ceremony at the downtown Harry Caray's Restaurant, along with hapless Cub fan Steve Bartman.

The two-hour ceremony will also feature a 'Passion of the Cubs' pageant, where Bartman will have his flesh flayed by Ronnie Woo-Woo, and will be forced to listen to play-by-play from Skip Caray.

"Hopefully, this will give Cubbie fans catharsis and a chance to exorcise the demons," said restaurant partner Grant DePorter, referring to the supposed curse that has denied the Northsiders a Series title since 1912. The restaurant paid $113,000 for the ball at a December auction, and later purchased Bartman for $2,625.

Talks Stall as NEA Hostage Drama Enters 3rd Day

Washington, DC - The kidnapping drama of Education Secretary Rod Paige continued this afternoon as National Education Association officials broke off talks with DC Police hostage negotiators. A masked band of NEA activist apprehended Paige in a daring midday raid Tuesday, after he had referred to teacher's organization as a "terrorist group."

"We're not completely sure, but we think they want Paige to apologize," said Lt. Kelvin Evans of the DC Hostage Crisis Squad. "It's somewhat hard to tell, with all of the misspellings in the ransom notes."

Stern: 'Chill Wind Blowing All of Us"

New York - Radio personality Howard Stern today warned that "our fundamental American rights to speak out on anal and nasal sex are under attack" after his program was dropped by six stations owned by media giant Clear Channel Communications.

"First they came for the donkey shows and the retard drag pageants," he said. "Then they came for the dwarf lesbian baked bean wrestling, and there was no one left to speak up for me."

Comments

[My Robot Ron]

my little moron,

Clear channel is a huge conglomerate of radio stations run by a very conservative group of folks. Howard Stern pushed a little too hard on the thin line of decency and clear channel pushed back. As for the so called whores in the government, you may recall that Powell (head of the fcc) recently called the Howard Stern show a news program to get him out of providing equal time to the 199 Californian governor candidates. Now are you actually suggesting that the government ordered a news show off the air or are the whores (us) just voting whores into office who tell the other whores to back off our man, you skanky whore bitch. TALK TO THE HAND WHORE!

[iowahawk]

"why's everything gotta be so narrow?"

I... don't... know. But I'll bitch to typepad about it.

[Eric Deamer]

myron:

Did the government censor which letters you could use and that's why nothing was spelled right? Did they censor which words you could use, reducing you to typing "whore" over and over again?

iowahawk:

Love your blog, but why's everything gotta be so narrow. It's so narrow it even messes the comment box up?

[myron]

Don't anyone tell you othewise; this is censorship, as in govrnmentcensorship. Those Clear Channel people (whores) were promising those Congresssional whores anything they demanded.
If Clear Channel wants to fire one of their shows, thats their business, and if the government is ordering them to do it, then they(Clear Channel) should jolly well tell the bovernment to stay their whore asses out of their business. That they will program or not program as they see fit and not as some cabal of Senate hearings would dictate.

[NotSoRustyShagleford]

Rusty, Anal or nasal?

[Frank J.]

Rusty Shackleford sounds like an pseudonym...

Anyway, quit with these humor posts; I don't like the competition.

[Rusty Shackleford]

Reading that post was better than sex!