Bush Backs Defense of Butter Amendment
La Crosse, WI - President Bush today called on Congress to ratify a constitutional amendment that would define butter as the "churned union of cow-based milkfats."
"Constitutional amendments should never be undertaken lightly," said Bush in prepared remarks to the National Dairy Board. "But when a few unelected ad copywriters defy thousands of years of bovine animal husbandry with labels like 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' or 'Buttery Vegetable Spread,' it's time we step in."
Omaha Vaporized; Impact on Gay Marriage Debated
Omaha, NE - Washington political observers remain divided over how the terrorist nuclear attack that leveled Omaha, Nebraska yesterday would impact the national debate over Gay marriage.
"If the annihilation of Omaha has taught us anything, it is that Gay, Lesbian and Transgendered couples also deserve to be considered 'nuclear families,'" said Cheryl Jacques of the Human Rights Campaign.
Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council disagreed, saying that "traditional marriage is supported by four of five surviving mutants in America's heartland."
Jesusmania Sweeps Tinseltown
Expected strong box office for Mel Gibson's controversial 'Passion' has prompted studio execs to greenlight a number of Jesus-themed TV and film projects, says a new report in Variety. Films already in pre-production include My Big Fat Last Supper, Galilee Road Trip, and Bring It On, Roman Chumps; TV pilots reported in casting include sitcom Magdalene's Angels and reality series Disciple Island.
SF Judge Legalizes Tax Evasion
In a surprise ruling, 9th Circuit Court of Appeals justice Michael Weber today overturned the 18,000 page federal income tax code, calling it "a blatant infringement on constitutional rights." Weber's ruling also overturns Social Security and Medicaid taxes, corporate taxes, state and local sales tax, user fees, licenses, occupancy taxes, excise taxes, tariffs and Starbuck tip jars. US Treasury Department officials said they would seek an emergency Supreme Court appeal.
On word of the ruling, thousands of Income-Americans gathered on the San Francisco County Courthouse steps to receive a complementary Tax Amnesty card. "We're here, we're not paying taxes, get used to it," said Alexis Van Steuben of the Campaign for Income Rights, an economic advocacy group.
Kerry Blasts Verizon For Patriotism Swipe
Democratic presidential frontrunner John Kerry today angrily denounced cell phone provider Verizon for "challenging not only my patriotism, but the patriotism of millions of the 'band of brothers' who served alongside me in Vietnam."
"Call off your attack dogs, Mr. Verizon," said Kerry, waving what campaign spokesmen said was his third overdue bill notice from the cell phone giant in the past month.
Yankees Clinch AL East
The New York Yankees repeated as champions of the AL East today after team owner George Steinbrenner purchased and dismantled struggling rivals Toronto, Milwaukee, Tampa Bay, Detroit, Baltimore, and Cleveland. New York picked up forfeits from the folded clubs and puchased another 38 from cash-strapped rival Boston, mathematically eliminating the Red Sox.
Yanks Manager Joe Torre said he would likely rest his first rotation until September, "when our playoff opponent becomes a little more clear."
Nuclear holocaust in America's heartland? Must have been a slow news day at the NY Times.
Posted by: Rusty Shackleford | February 25, 2004 at 02:38 PM
StraightShooter its time for your meds!
btw, George didn't dismantle the Brewers. They are now the Yankee's team in the Instructional League. Their payroll wasn't high enough to qualify for entry into Single A.
Posted by: BrewFan | February 25, 2004 at 11:59 AM
Hmmm... News parody and a dig at the Red Sox. Are you the mutant love child of Scott Ott and Allah?
Posted by: five-min-major | February 24, 2004 at 09:46 PM
Glad the ol'hawk of Iowa sees the importance of marriage clearly. First, its nothing more important then real butter over alternatives, then it makes a nuclear holocaust pale in comparison to its importance. So which is it? Did you learn your propaganda from the politburo?
Go back to your aids infected bathhouse where you belong.
Posted by: StraightShooter | February 24, 2004 at 08:40 PM
Candidly, I think baseball is narcolepsy on grass. I go to a couple of Cub games every year if my insomnia acts up.
Posted by: iowahawk | February 24, 2004 at 04:23 PM
You're not a Yankees fan, are you?
Then again, perhaps you are, and this is your fantasy of easy summer livin'.
Confusion aside, this Yankee fan laughed her a$$ off!
Posted by: sharona | February 24, 2004 at 02:56 PM