VP Gore Attacked By Angry Muscle Cars

[ed. note - Blogosphere astroboy Rand Simberg leaves a comment implying I have encroached on his Gore bashing turf. Au contraire, space lad. Digging deep in the barrel, I located the decomposed remains of this CNS piece from 1998, for today's Satire Clearance Sale.]

Taos, NM - After an impassioned speech here yesterday calling for more stewardship of the environment, Vice President Albert Gore was attacked by a revving mob of jacked-up, gas-guzzling "Muscle Cars" from the 1960s and 70s.

Gore sustained only minor injuries in the attack, but remains in St. Francis Medical Center in Albuquerque for observation.

Gore's assailants were later identified as 1967 Shelby Mustang 428, 1969 GTO Judge, 1970 Chevelle SS 454, and 1971 426 Hemi 'Cuda. They await arraignment in an impound yard in nearby Santa Fe.

The strange incident took place in Taos, NM, where the environmentalist Gore was delivering the keynote address at the Annual Moonbeam Ecosphere Sustainable Peace Conference and Ultimate Frisbee Fest. Introduced by emcee Joan Baez, he was warmly welcomed by the sun-drenched, tie-died crowd. Cult band Phish supplied a swirling, spaced-out rendition of "Hail to the Chief," accompanied by a half dozen dreadlocked street bongoists.

Pausing to buy several sticks of incense from a bearded street vendor, Gore jauntily took the platform.

"Gaia, be praised," said the lanky Vice President to a chorus of ohmmms. "The President and I want you to follow your bliss, my wonderful eco-friends. May the Goddess Luna bless your animal companions."

Gore"s animal benediction brought a warm response from the gentle, fragrant crowd, many of whom brought their bandana-wearing dogs and ferrets to the address.

Gore displayed some of his famous self-deprecating wit after he was repeatedly attacked by a pesky woodpecker. "Ha ha ha. I guess my head must be made out of wood. Ha ha ha." The woodpecker"s comic antics stopped after its neck was quietly snapped by a Secret Service Agent.

Turning serious, Gore warned the crowd of impending global ecological crisis. " Heat, storms, snow, rain, cold, dry, calm; everywhere you look you see the proof of disastrous global warming."

"Don"t take my word for it. Over 500 of the world"s top scientist, lawyers and psychics have endorsed the 1994 Kyoto-Sao Paolo Accords. Global warming has been cited as the number one cause of the heating of the planet," noted Gore ominously.

"Under the Accords, we will reduce man-made greenhouse gases by over 60%, and total greenhouse gases by nearly 0.000000000000000000000007%," explained Gore.

"All we must do in return is give up three minor things – deodorant, refrigerated food, and automobiles. As all of you know, these can be easily eliminated from our homes."

The crowd was receptive to Gore"s remarks, many even falling into a hypnotic, sleep-like trance. However, his automobile comments evoked loud revving noises from the parking area, seemingly from a 1983 Volvo. The revving noises awoke many in the crowd.

"We must fund research into alternate fuels, such as solar energy, dirt and the internet. We must increase emission controls, and increase funding for mass transportation. Teens must learn that riding the bus is hip and cool, and a great place to make out," Gore continued. His remarks evoked more revving from the parking lot, this time from a VW microbus, a Saab and a Peugeot.

While Gore granted that deodorant and refrigerated food "must be eliminated in our life time," he saved his strongest remarks for the automobile. "The internal combustion engine is the biggest menace faced by our planet," Gore emphasized, repeating the conclusion of his book Earth in the Balance.

These remarks apparently were too much for the revving cars in the nearby parking lot. As they lurched forward, it became apparent that their gentle Volvo and Saab exteriors were merely a disguise. Underneath were four angry high-horsepower tire-smoking Detroit muscle cars, looking to rough up Mr. Gore.

Pandemonium ensued as the gang's leader, Hemi 'Cuda, executed a wicked burnout, wildly fishtailing as it careened toward the speaker"s platform. Secret service agents unloaded several shots, bursting its windshield. However, no one was driving.

GTO Judge rammed wildly through the Renaissance Market, sending a wild spray of Indian vegetarian food, hemp clothing and crystal jewelry. The other members of the gang dispatched the screaming crowd. A sympathetic lowrider "63 Impala pumped "Born to Be Wild" and Led Zeppelin"s "Black Dog" through its 2000-watt custom stereo system, punctuating the horrible scene.

Soon, the four terrorist street racers encircled the helpless Vice President. On cue, they executed a highly choreographed "donut" burnout. Their spinning, oversized racing slicks pelted Gore with a barrage of frisbees and hacky-sacks.

The Muscle Cars were finally subdued by New Mexico State Police Ford LTD patrol cars. Gore was flown to Albuquerque to receive treatment for minor bruises, scrapes and Dutch Elm disease.

The shadowy autos were all on the EPA"s Most Wanted List, all achieving less than 9 MPG city, 13 MPG highway. Chevelle SS, in particular, was considered extremely dangerous. He was armed with an 550 horsepower LS-6 454 Rat motor, mounted with two Holley double-pumpers on a Edelbrock Tunnel Ram. Shelby Mustang is the brother of notorious Boss 351-C Mustang, serving a sentence for eco-terrorism at Route 66 Dragway Prison in Joliet, Illinois.

Their motives were unclear at press time, but Hemi Cuda shouted a statement to reporters as he was towed off. " We do this for our Muscle Car comrades! We do this for Lowriders, Monster Trucks, Dragboats, Kustoms and Street Rods! No to the genocidal Gore! Viva Horsepower!"

The Vice President remained resting comfortably, in good condition, last night. Hospital spokewoman Nadine Hernandez said that doctors expected a full recovery, but they want to keep Mr. Gore for observation.

"We think he may have sustained a concussion," said Hernandez. "We haven"t been able to get a reading on the EEG."

Comments

[Gazza]

Thanks Iowahawk, your post made my day. Very, very funny stuff.