I Am A Patriot Too, Dude

[ed. - today's stale pail in our ongoing Satire Sale is probably the stalest yet, an October 2001 piece I wrote for CNSNews.com that has circumnavigated the internet chat-o-sphere a few times. But I got a couple of email requests to post it, so here 'tis.]

By Keanu Burge
Guest Commentary from the ESU Daily State Budget Appropriation

As an active member of the ESU campus peace community, I am often accused of lacking patriotism. I will hear accusatory questions from so-called campus patriots, like "where is your flag, dude?" or "have you seen my flag?" or "pardon me, did you know there is a big flag fire in the dumpster behind your apartment?"

Let me set you straight, Mister ROTC Sig Eps kegger Turbo Eclipse backward baseball cap Abercrombie & Fitch future corporate cyborg insurance agent -- just because I don't mindlessly "rah-rah" for our "team" when the "visitors" put "poison" in our "Gatorade" and crash a couple of "planes" into our "football stadium," it doesn't mean I don't love America.

I am a patriot, too.

I am a patriot because I believe in thinking about long-term issues. If we succeed in blowing up the terrorists inside their fortified bunkers, jailing and executing the survivors, and dismantling their organizations, just what exactly will we have "accomplished"? Jeez, man, think.

I am a patriot because I believe that "an eye for an eye" means we are all blind. We must stop the unending cycle of violence that might happen before it begins, at least our end of that whole deal. That way, only one of us will be blind, and the other ones can help us learn Braille, sort of like that 'Miracle Worker' chick.

I am a patriot because I believe in creative conflict resolution. If your so-called 'enemy' wants to become a martyr, why would you ever want to kill him? Come on, not only is that what he expects, that's just what he wants! Instead, send him a quart of Cherry Garcia. Just imagine the look on his face!

I am a patriot because I believe in looking beyond simplistic solutions. Sure, feel-good slogans like "bomb 'em back to the Stone Age" and " institute fledgling constitutional democracies under the auspices of a broad postwar multinational coalition" sound good on paper. But you tell me - when have any of these things ever worked?

I am a patriot because I believe that poverty breeds hopelessness, and hopelessness breeds despair. Despair will then breed ignorance, which will hook up and get freaky with hate, and later get totally baked on resentment and put the moves on hate's skanky roommate, rage. To prevent the unwanted baby of violence, we must drive poverty to the pharmacy of hope and buy it the condom of understanding.

I am a patriot because I celebrate diversity. We must resist the urge to stereotype other Americans, or non-Americans, just because they speak in an unfamiliar language, dress in strange clothes, loiter nervously around the water treatment plant, or emit unusual ticking noises. We must vigorously resist the plague of racial profiling, which is usually done by Euro-Americans, so keep a sharp lookout for those types.

I am a patriot because I believe we need to examine root causes. Why do the terrorists hate us? What could drive some one to suicide bombing? From Palestine to the Kyoto Protocols, to animal experimentation, to unionization at Starbucks, to our disgusting McCulture, there must be hundreds of plausible explanations, and man, don't even get me started.

I am a patriot because I believe in protecting our right to dissent. Those who would threaten the peace activism community with intimidating and inappropriate laughter must be resisted. We must do our part to protect free speech by reporting them to the Campus Hate Crime Enforcement Office at 555-8749.

I am a patriot because I avoid the 'knee-jerk' response. Real patriotism isn't about plastering a stupid flag decal in your stupid SUV. Real patriotism means mature, thoughtful, grassroots, progressive action. Like the Primal Scream March For Global Sanity, tomorrow at the Quad, 1-4 p.m., sponsored by the Revolutionary English T.A. Collective. Free placards will be provided, along with a box lunch courtesy College Unitarians.

I am a patriot because I believe in getting beyond empty posturing and sloganeering. Not only must we wage peace, we must visualize world peace. We must also be prepared to think globally and act locally, because mean people suck, and Nine Inch Nails. And also, University Pontiac-GMC-Subaru.

I am a patriot because I believe the real enemy is ignorance. Global realities are complex, and education is the answer. We must strive to educate others around the world, especially those guys over in that one country with all the trouble.

Above all, I am a patriot because I believe in a new, enlightened patriotism. A patriotism that rejects dated, nationalistic notions of patriotism, like singing stupid anthems or reciting McCarthyite pledges. We show our patriotism by resisting the war machine, working for change, and helping new foreign grad students find their way around the biology building.

Thanks to this new evolving definition, we in the peace activism community can proudly proclaim our patriotism. At long last, it is our refuge.

Comments

[Mamamontezz]

I read this and laughed so hard I hurt myself. I'm suing. Perhaps Al Gore will join my suit. A girl can have nightmares, er, dream, can't she?

[DP]

What! You cant be serious that this is satire.

[rabidfox]

Are you SURE this is a satire? Seems to reflect what some of the LLL I know really think.