A Taxonomic Theorem By Which I Shall Explain the Pathological Phenomenon of Bush Tolerance

[ed. note - Charles Johnson at LGF posts a link a Seattle Post-Intelligencer commentary by one Neal Starksman. This was such an absolute gem of pitch-perfect obnoxious Left condescension, that I was at first tempted to just leave it alone. Then V the K and Dean Douthat egged me on, so here's the old college try.]

Millions of words have been written as to the motivations of voters, according to my dog-eared copy of The Annual Review of the Number of Words Written As To The Motivation of Voters. Particularly in close elections, as in the 2000 presidential contest, pundits and laypeople alike have speculated on why people voted for whom, and especially whom people who end their sentences in "who" may have voted for, and why. And, also perhaps, where and when from whom these votes were cast, and how? The exit poll has been a major tool in this speculation.

But the major tool of exit polling is insufficiently utile in this regard, and also as to this end. None of the so-called "theories" have thus far provided a compelling explanation as to the astonishing pathological phenomenon which we, in the intellectual community, have come to label as "Bush Tolerance Syndrome." In order to understand this obvious voter sociopathy, what we need is an even-more major tool. And, in this regard, I believe I can be that major tool.

What can explain his popularity? Can that many people be enamored of what he has accomplished in Iraq? Of how he has fortified our constitutional freedoms with the USA Patriot Act? Of how he has bolstered our economy? Of how he has protected our environment? Of how perhaps they've been impressed with the president's personal integrity and of how the articulation of his grand vision for America? Of how I am actually being sarcastic?

Of how is that likely?

Granted, there are certain subclusters of the American polity that have substantially benefited from this presidency. Millionaires and charismatic Christians have accrued either material or spiritual fortification from Bush's administration. To be certain, the plutocratic gentry may find their new government issue diamond-tipped swagger sticks useful for thwacking the skulls of starving street urchins. Gibbering, snake handling bible thumpers are now free to enjoy bombing libraries and family planning clinics. But surely these two groups are a but a small minority of the population. What, then, can account to the significant accrual of so many otherwise normal "people" being so supportive of the president?

The answer, I'm afraid, is the factor that dare not babble its name. It's the factor that no one talks about. The pollsters don't ask it, the media don't report it, the voters don't discuss it.

I, however, will blare out its name so that at last people can address the issue and perhaps adopt strategies to overcome it, and, by so blaring, will shine the blaring noise of reason on the subject as to cause those who have profited from the aforesaid factor to slink away in shame, knowing that their "jig" is proverbially "up".

It's the "Stupid factor," the S factor: Let's face facts: some people: sometimes: through no fault of their own: are just not very bright. Ahh, yes, mmm. There it is. Goddamn, gentle reader, does it not feel intellectually rewarding to get that off one's chest? Americans are mostly retards. Fucking WalMart retards.

It's not merely that some people are insufficiently intelligent to grasp the nuances of foreign policy, of constitutional law, of verb conjugation, of Post Modernism, of Balinese finger puppetry, of interpretive dance, and/or/of the variegated complex intellectual interplay of humans and the environment and faculty merit review committees, and the complicity of Chimpy the Texas Wonder Nazi in 9-11. These aren't the people I'm referring to. The people I'm referring to cannot understand the phenomenon of cause and effect. They drool and stare into space and love tax cuts. They're perplexed by issues, and stymied by complexity, and confused by variegated nuances. They are frightened by the muse, and are driven to anger and fury whenever they hear the dulcet sounds of a lyre or lute emanating from the Renaissance Faire. They drive SUVs and talk in advertising jingles. They have not the wherewithal to expand the sources of their information, and never check 'Mother Jones' or 'Utne Reader' on their PTA magazine fundraiser card. They do not live in Seattle. They know nothing of the creative arts: nor public transit: nor the stark beauty of the diacritical remark. And above all -- far above all -- and there is absolutely no two ways to consider otherwise, so don't even go there -- they don't think. Forgive them Father, they know not what they do.

They have so filled my heightened sense of aesthetics with pitious loathing, that I must now excuse myself to vomit.

Phewwww. I am back, and have cleansed my vomitous palate with a glass of Lanjaron.

Yes, you know these people; they're all around you (obviously they're not you, or else you would not be reading this article this far: instead, you would have long since retreated to your rec room, curled into a fetal ball in front of Fox News, your child-like faith in BusHitler having been shaken by this article's unstoppable tour de force of hard-hitting logic and impactful punctuation featuring colons and semicolons). Yes, they're the ones who keep the puerile shows on TV which I refuse to watch, who appear as regular recipients of the Darwin Awards (which, while peurile, was an enjoyable TV show on a purely ironic level, and was ironically canceled because not enough stupid people watched it), raise our insurance rates by doing dumb things on America's Funniest Crotch Accidents, who generally make life much more miserable for all the rest of the cast on Misery Island IV. Sad to say, they comprise a substantial minority -- perhaps even a majority -- of the populace. Perhaps it is too late for us with the misfortune to be born with the capacity for sentient thought, as 86% of recent studies show that 53% of the population is in the lowest 5th percentile of mental reasoning.

Politicians have been aware of this forever, stretching back to dawn of the physical universe. They offer simplistic solutions to complex problems, when what these complex problems actually need complicated explanations. They evade directed questions with non-sequiturs. They offer meaningless, jingoistic pap instead of thoughtful policy. And these people, the "S" people, eat it all up with a ladle. "Here are your num-nums, 'S' people! Num-num pre-emptive strikes! Yummy yummy tax cut pablum! Whooosh! Open up wide, here comes the Mr. Jingoistic Airplane into the pap hangar!"

Dr. Howard Dean has put out an important white paper on the appaling gullibility issue, which can be downloaded from www.howarddean.com for a small campaign e-donation.

I don't have a solution to this problem. To claim I did would belie my previous arguments, and besides I am more of a "big picture" strategy person. But I do have some modest suggestions that might provide a start for discussion: (1) a literacy test to earn the right to vote; (2) that includes sufficient use of colons and semicolons; (3) a three-significantly-stupid-or-no-realizing-cause-and-effect-behaviors-and-you're-out law; (4) more-voter-tests-on-using-hyphens laws: (5) fines and deportation for politicians and TV representatives who pander to, and perpetuate, and provide breeding permission to, this filthy lowest common denominator of "humans." Let's get cracking, Democracy!

It's well past time that people confront this issue, no matter who's offended. We are on the way to becoming a nation of imbeciles. I'm certain that a plethora of "George W. Bush" jokes is already being circulated in every capital of the world. Not only is this a national embarrassment, but it will likely prompt "George W. Bush" into an imperialist murder spree when he finds out that intellectually superior indigeneous peoples are snickering behind his back. To stop this nightmare we must stop the "George W. Bush" and his zombie legion of imbecile empowerers.

Let's start talking. Let's gather around Let's bring the "S" factor out of the closet and into the daylight where we can all see it, gulp at its hideousness, and finally make serious attempts at wiping it out. Let us print exposes in our local AltWeeklies, sound the alarm at NPR, spread the word at DU and bartcop and smirkingchimp. Let us dream of a Final Solution!

If you are a Bush supporter and still made it to the previous paragraph, I was obviously being cleverly wry and satirical. Sheesh, like you haven't fantasized about putting your enemies into a corral.

Does anyone know I might get vomit stains out of a tunic?

Comments

Windbags rarely offer solutions. I suggest the NDC & it's Presidential canidate adopte the position and policy of education first. The sustianability of our democracy is contigent upon the knowledge base & creative ingenuity of the American workforce. We can't compete with China's shear numbers or bottom-line feasibility, or with the European Union's lower (military)overhead.
Best we learn to share both the cost & act of policing the world, particularly if the path is towards a global economy, so that we too can begin, and then continue to direct resources mostly towards gains in the eduaction, health & welfare of our children to perpetually sustained ourselves. Otherwise, we martyr ourselves to a false security through reactionary politics. So, what is your answer to the "S" factor? Sure hope it not more hot air!!

[Kate Faber's underwear]

Thanks for posting the letter Sheafer. It's nice to know people like you are out there.

I think it would be the greatest moment in my life when Bush is elected, and all the liberal ass-clowns slit their rists in protest...

[Arnold Johannson]

The Democrats and their willing idiots in the liberal media are going to feel really fucked up when George W. Bush easily wins a second term.

Watch them kill themselves! It will be hilarious!

[iowahawk]

Trevor Stanley: I thought Starkman's piece read better in the original German.

[flyingspacemonkey]

There's a Neal Starkman who write books about improving educational environments, reckon he's the same guy?
Hmmmmm wonder if there's a book burning in order.

[Trevor Stanley]

Iowahawk,

Your piece is indeed funny.

But I'm afraid the original was funnier!

I read yours first, and was astounded to discover how little you actually had to change!

Sometimes I suspect that Universities (ie colleges - I'm an Aussie) do not increase the intelligence of their students, but rather amplify and hone what they already have.

An intelligent person realises his potential at University.

Unfortunately, a naturally stupid person also realises and magnifies his potential for stupidity. Being naturally closed-minded, such a person uses education as an opportunity to build more formidable barriers to reality.

Fortunately, those who have expended copious resources butressing their own idiocy are a tiny minority, ironically known as the intelligentsiya.

Just a theory...

[sleepy]

What if TB is right, and Starkman DID intend this as satire? Wouldn't we all feel silly then, having written mean letters to editors...

Have we all been trolled?

[Solomon X]

Holy moly

"America's Funniest Crotch Accidents"

"Chimpy the Texas Wonder Nazi"

"the plutocratic gentry may find their new government issue diamond-tipped swagger sticks useful for thwacking the skulls of starving street urchins"

Now that is satire! Priceless.

[Shaefer]

Yeah, above is the letter. It was 5 or so in the morning, so please excuse any errors.

[Shaefer]

It will never cease to amaze me how ready liberals are to categorize those who don't agree with their agenda, label them as "inferior", and make suggestions as to what can be done to them, where they can be sent, decide who should be eligible to vote, etc, yet they freely toss around the term "nazi" for the very types of people of which they wish to control and/or dispose. People in this country have lost their minds if they think there is a humanitarian or peaceful way to keep order and peace within our borders when so many foreign powers wish violence and death upon our innocent civilians. Neal Starkman and those like Howard Dean who share his views are the ones who are in dire need of a wake-up call. It's pretty easy to assume everyone who doesn't agree with you is stupid, especially if you are a 5 year old who wants control of who gets to stay in the sandbox and who is too much of a free-thinker to mix with the elite. I can't believe people like Starkman are serious. Rather, I don't want to believe they think the things they do in their heart of hearts. They are simply reactionaries. Who cares what people in other countries think of us? Do you think people in other countries really care what we might think of them? Should they? How much national integrity can Starkman say we would have had we gone to beg the U.N., France, and Germany for permission to protect our borders and way of life? And as far as an inability to see cause and effect, why do so many fail to see that higher taxes, higher spending, more welfare, more entitlements, more socialistic programs, political correctness, power to the special interest, and legislation from the bench are quickly eroding everything for which our Forefathers fought? Liberals in America have been "Stark"-raving mad ever since Bush won the Presidential election that Gore and his supporters attempted to steal several times, but no matter how much they froth at the mouth they can't seem to come up with better courses of action than those already taken. Thank God Gore wasn't President during 9-11 (which is still extremely important, despite how much liberals wish to discount it lately) because his idea of retaliation would have been to send an apologetic fruit basket to Usama's cave. It's about time we stopped trying to negotiate with our enemies. It's about time we told the U.N. to take a leap. We need to take care of ourselves first and foremost. We need to stop associating with U.N. led invasions designed to take attention away from the controversial fellatio our President received the day before. There are more than enough problems in our own country now, many thanks to the 8 years of Clinton tyranny, that we are going to have to spend years worrying about, and many of them have everything to do with national security. Bellyaching and whining about conspiracy theories involving Christians and millionaires won't get anybody anywhere. And to make a point, nobody used the Oval Office for monetary gain like the Clintons. And there's no need to invent a conspiracy for that train wreck of a administration. All of the evidence is there for those who care to look. So W. isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. But maybe liberals are just being stupid if they can't see that at least he's acting like a president. That's something their boy Clinton could never admit to.



Shaefer Griffin

[Shaefer]

I found this Stark-raving mad opinion piece I believe through LGF, and I couldn't help myself. I was up at 5 in the morning writing a far too long letter to the editor about that self-righteous piece of crap article. I wonder if they would have the balls to actually print it. I was nice enough to leave out all of the filth that could be said about such a condescending member of the elite.

[TB]

Iowahawk just proves that Taranto may be on to something. Perhaps Starksman really IS a brillian satirist: albeit: a subtle one.

[Woda]

Argh! Perhaps you should change the comments section so that the line under the comment and above the name doesn't make it look like the poster's name is the beginning of the comment that they didn't make, instead of at the end of the one they did. Or something.

[Jamie Irons]

Very, very funny.

Alas, those who really need to laugh at this, in order to clear their "minds," (I use the term generously) have lost all sense of humor. They are too busy being "ANGRY" at Bush, the very incarnation of evil...

Jamie Irons

[Iron Fist]

Well done, Iowahawk.

When I read the original, I could almost hear the writer thundering:

"Wir sind die Ubermenchen! Wir sind die Meister Volk!"*

And these freaks are comparing Bush to Hitler?

Psychologists call that projection.

*"We are the overman (often translated “superman”, but I think “overman” is more accurate)! We are the Master Race!" I may have screwed up the grammar (it's been a while since I studied German), but that is typical Nazi ideology.

We're better than you. So STFD, STFU, and do what we tell you too do.

[rumcrook]

whats just as funny as your parody is that the guy who thought it was real, uses the moniker "sharp"

[chris hall]

man that's a knee-slapper!
i'd love to read a similar lampooning of the writings of renana brooks (see URL).

[spongeworthy]

I can't wait to get you oh-so-superior latte-suckers in my reeducation camp I'm going to open with all the money I'm saving on taxes.

I may be stupid, but you'll kneel and grovel.

Wait and see.

[11A5S]

Thanks, George. I thought that I was the only guy to pick up on the literacy test reference. That Neal Starkman didn't know that literacy tests had been used to disenfranchise black voters in the Jim Crow era speaks volumes about his intelligence.

[George Turner]

So right Williston!

Those evil right wingers may be intelligent, evidenced by the fact that they seem to have all the power and money, but they certainly don't possess wisdom.

Why they can't even grasp the basic tennets of socialism! If only they'd open a book from the recommended reading list posted at MoveOn.Org, which advises

"Recommended to get you started are: The Communist Manifesto, Karl Marx Capital, Karl Marx Theories of Social Inequality: Classical and Contemporary Perspectives, Edward G. Grabb"

But these silly right wing tools lack the wisdom to see that 170 million people killed under socialism just means true socialism hasn't been implemented yet! We need yet another experiment and they're standing in our way!

We need to start with literacy tests for voters, just like in the good old days when the DNC ruled the South!

[Kate Faber's underwear]

Someone said in the first few replies:

"Woops, Gotta go, my Bible needs thumping, the cash that's stuffed in it keeps falling out."

I'm glad it's going to be a bible your thumping and not the Koran.....

[williston]

There is a huge difference between intelligence and wisdom. Perhaps you
have some of the former, but you have none of the latter.

[Korora]

M****cript! Beverage alert!

[Right Wing Conspirator]

Good job iowahawk. The scary thing is that this wasn't that far off from what was printed in the 'reputable' newspaper. Looky looky ma and pa, I used scare quotes. I'll be a liberal yet I tells ya.

[WalmartRetard/MoronAmerican]

Huh? I don't get it. What's a Darwin? /

Iowahawk, have I told you lately that you rule!?

[Mr. Green]

David - No, it was an honest compliment and a joke.

I'll try to be more literal next time.

[bender]

Someone didnt realize this was a parody. Great.

[DocJeff]

Your best so far, iowahawk. I soiled three Depends on this one.

"utile"! I love it.

[Dean Douthat]

I'm ever so proud of my egging on, as is, I expect V the K.

Thank you for a super job -- again.

I'm glad you retained the "fortified Constitution" from the original. I also greatly liked the "WalMart retards".

[Lurch]

It's apparent that I have rented the word 'apparent' and am trying to get my money's worth. My apologies for being dumb.

[Lurch]

And here I thought most of the ignorant masses voted Democrat.

The Democrat Party is supposedly the party of the little guy and the great unwashed. To be perfectly honest, the little guy and the great unwashed tend to be a bit, well, dumb. It follows logically that if the claim that the Democrat party is the party of aforementioned groups, the dumbest humans reside in said party.

Take Florida, 2000. The Democrat Party created a new ballot in some county, I don't recall which, called the Butterfly Ballot. Apparently the forces sent by the DNC to try and steal the election complained that the ballot was too complicated and hurt Democrat Voters. Apparently Republican Voters had no difficulty with said ballot.

Then there is the hanging chad issue. If you aren't intelligent enough to check for hanging chad, then you are apparently too stupid to vote.
Again, most of the complaining about the chad was from... you guessed it, the Democratic voters and the DNC.

Then of course the argument that card punch ballots would disenfranchise Minority voters leads us to believe that Minority voters tend to be equally stupid as Florida Democrats. Being a minority myself, I just chuckle at that argument. You'd have to be stupid to buy the argument put forward by the ACLU and the DNC.

By these examples, I think it's safe to say, that America's most ignorant voters reside in the Democrat Party. How else did Billy Jeff become president for 2 terms? The obvious answer is dumb voters.

[Tom Saunders]

Even someone as stuipd as I knows that this is not a real openion peice. There not a single line referring to the throbbing/pounding/rythmic/beating Drums of War! Nor does it quote U.S. troops going into battle shouting "For God, Empire, and Oil!"

[youcancallmemeyer]

"They drool and stare into space and love tax cuts"

Mmmmmmmmm, tax cuts.

I'm trying to think if Oz has produced a bigger idiot than Howard Dean.

Nope, sorry.

How did my most equally admired foreign country produce such an asshat? And Israel has Peres - go figure.

[Shtetl G]

Did you actually change anything from the original article? It's hard to tell. Mr. Starkman has my early vote for Asshat of the New Year.

[iowahawk]

David - author's name is listed below the post.

[David]

Mr. Green is apparently too stupid to know parody when he sees it.

[Spiny Norman]

Thanks for making me spill my coffee. You realize, of course, had you submitted this the Seattle Post-Intelligencer (and the New York Times, and the LA Times, the Boston Globe...) would've probably run it, nodding knowingly and blissfully unaware.

[flyingspacemonkey]

Duhhhhh, your site needs more pictures, yes more pretty, pretty pictures, less words, less big scary words, like peurile and colon.

Woops, Gotta go, my Bible needs thumping, the cash that's stuffed in it keeps falling out.

[Kalb caD-di-nee]

Skewering completed. Go wipe off your blade mate.

[Larry Sharp]

It's been a while since I read anything so spot-on the truth of the matter. I think it was probably an early Hunter S. Thompson piece, but we were both far to stoned to realize it, and memory is often kinder than truth.

Just remarkable.

As an escaped Iowegain, recovered Catholic and reformed liberal Republican I salute your clear understanding of exactly how that shit-heel got in and remains in office.

Sadly, the chances of re-election are very high so keep the blade of your wit well honed, young lad!

[Mr. Green]

Please stop being funnier than I am.

Or, if you can't bring yourself to do that, at least email me some stuff I can slap my name on and post on my blog.

Oh, all right. Selfish bastard.