Why spoil the victory celebration with petty political vindictiveness, when I could graciously fill space with recycled crap? The following is something I wrote for SpinTech Literary Supplement in October 1999. The original page no longer exists, but it continues to bounce around the internet. I made a half-assed effort to have a book of these published, but was stymied by cheap imitators.
More petty vindictiveness to come. Off to the airport.
**********************
The South has served as both subject and muse for many of America's creative giants. Twain, Faulkner, Tennessee Williams, Steven Foster, Louis Armstrong, Robert Penn Warren; each took inspiration from Dixie, each reveling in its bittersweet contradictions. In that spirit, I offer these Haiku as my own small paean to the South. The parts of the South that don't have Starbucks, anyway.
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps
REMORSE
A painful sadness
Cain't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can git on
Disability
MOTHER AND CHILD
Crusted in boogers,
Stained with Kool-Aid, baby has face
Only Mama loves
BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumbass Verne’s been mowing with
Gasoline again
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers can be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order
DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost fergit
That you're my cousin
HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
Goddamn Jeff Gordon
OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton
DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
Starts at 9 O'Clock
DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants rasslin' doll
Mama whups his ass
NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; the satellite dish
needs new descrambler
IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man
PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans that
Fill his pickup bed
ENIGMA
Rusty paradox
Half Camaro, half Trans-Am
Yet it will not run
These are bloody hilarious. I emailed a few
to friends and gave them the link.
Happy belated St. Patrick's Day.
Posted by: Anon in Korea | March 25, 2005 at 09:39 PM
"Hate to be the bearer of ill tidings, but many of those are mine."
Hate to be the bearer of badder tidings, but each and every one of those are mine. And I have the time-stamped email correspondence with SLMS editors to prove it. Next time, post your email so I know where to send the copyright infringement suit.
Posted by: iowahawk | December 17, 2003 at 10:44 AM
Ouch.
Stick to petty vindictiveness against the dihimicrats and leave the red neck bashing to Foxworthy
Posted by: LifeLibertyPofHappiness | December 16, 2003 at 09:02 PM
Hate to be the bearer of ill tidings, but many of those are mine.
Have a wide variety of other topics as well that have circulated from time to time. Glad to see someone expanding on the subject though.
Posted by: Brainiac | December 16, 2003 at 12:09 PM
Hello? Cassius Coolidge? Is that you?
Posted by: Clem Snide | December 16, 2003 at 08:01 AM