Over the years the music industry has provided the listening public a treasure trove of musical excrescence, but only an elite few deserve recognition as instruments of torture. I humbly offer a few examples of these Olympian earwigs. Please feel free to offer your own suggestions in comments.
Caution: not safe for work. Not safe for home. Not safe for anywhere.
Click if you dare.
UPDATE CAUTION: NOW CONTAINS 27% RUPERT HOLMES ADDITIVES
White Plains -- My Baby Loves Lovin'
Terry Jacks -- Seasons in the Sun
Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods -- Billy Don't Be a Hero
Captain & Tenille -- Muskrat Love
Tony DiFranco & the DiFranco Family -- Heartbeat (It's a Love Beat)
Bobby Goldsboro -- Honey
Sammy Johns -- Chevy Van
Debbie Boone -- You Light Up My Life
RUPERT HOLMES UPDATE
For whatever reason (I blame trauma), I neglected to include the astonishing cannibalism-stalking-alcoholism soft perv rock oeuvre of Rupert Holmes in the initial posting. Consider it fixed, and you're welcome.
The Buoys -- Timothy
Written by Rupert Holmes and performed by the Buoys, the soft rock pride of Wilkes-Barre PA. Perhaps the finest cannibalism ballad ever to reach the top 20.
Rupert Holmes - Him
him HIM HIIIMMMM
Rupert Holmes - Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
The worst song of the 80's is "Missing You," by John somebody or another. The local newspaper critic at the time called it "The Thing that Wouldn't Die.' It's inane, overdone,....well, everything 80's pop. Truly, it follows you around like a demon with a fork, perfect for hell.
Posted by: Brandon Selman | May 03, 2008 at 11:23 AM
IIRC, "Timothy" was written either as a drunken dare or to break a lousy contract with the record company...RH assumed cannibalism would be the kiss of death for a top-40 song. He assumed wrong and as someone else said, laughed all the way to the bank.
Catchy tune, and a nice take on the whole 'mining disaster' genre, eh?
Posted by: Booger | May 03, 2008 at 11:52 AM
"Half Breed" or "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves," or actually, anything by Cher
Posted by: Mark Yu | May 04, 2008 at 09:25 PM
http://youtube.com/watch?v=OYpXeSReUsY
Jane - "It's a fine day".
while it's kind of diametric to your picks, there's just something about this song that kind of makes me want to kill myself just because it's so depressing, but if i had to hear it when i arrive in hell, just to hear the song's ending (i'm not gonna ruin it) over and over again makes me
:: shudder ::
Posted by: Riada | May 05, 2008 at 02:52 AM
isn't it "funny" that these are the songs they play on soft rock stations when you're sitting in the dentist's chair (or were, when I was a kid getting dental work back in the 80's)?
Posted by: gb | May 10, 2008 at 08:11 AM
Wow! What a fine collection of songs, Burge!
Thanks ever so much for posting them: hours of enjoyment for me...
I know you were just kidding when you said they were the world's worst.
Keep those hits coming, Dave!
Posted by: Professor Jonathan | July 21, 2008 at 05:33 PM
Bad music and even worse videos?
Hell, you people have no idea...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNdgNVbyCLc
Posted by: Professor Jonathan | July 21, 2008 at 05:58 PM
Stand back you fuckers, stand back!
You want bad? I'll give you bad: a pure vision from Hell!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTpFUT-lxls
Posted by: Professor Jonathan | July 21, 2008 at 06:13 PM
Stand back you fuckers, stand back!
You want bad? I'll show you bad:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTpFUT-lxls
Posted by: Professor Jonathan | July 21, 2008 at 06:23 PM
Sorry, my evil twin posted the second identical link.
Posted by: Professor Jonathan | July 21, 2008 at 06:38 PM
You are all idiots. Most of these songs are great, and Rupert Holmes IS a genius. An Andrew Thompson for the 70's.
Posted by: Momus | September 06, 2008 at 05:21 PM