Hell's iPod

Over the years the music industry has provided the listening public a treasure trove of musical excrescence, but only an elite few deserve recognition as instruments of torture.   I humbly offer a few examples of these Olympian earwigs. Please feel free to offer your own suggestions in comments.

Caution: not safe for work. Not safe for home. Not safe for anywhere.

Click if you dare.

UPDATE CAUTION: NOW CONTAINS 27%  RUPERT HOLMES ADDITIVES

White Plains -- My Baby Loves Lovin'

Terry Jacks -- Seasons in the Sun

Bo Donaldson & the Heywoods -- Billy Don't Be a Hero

Captain & Tenille -- Muskrat Love

Tony DiFranco & the DiFranco Family -- Heartbeat (It's a Love Beat)

Bobby Goldsboro -- Honey

Sammy Johns -- Chevy Van

Debbie Boone -- You Light Up My Life

RUPERT HOLMES UPDATE

For whatever reason (I blame trauma), I neglected to include the astonishing cannibalism-stalking-alcoholism soft perv rock oeuvre of Rupert Holmes in the initial posting. Consider it fixed, and you're welcome.

The Buoys -- Timothy

Written by Rupert Holmes and performed by the Buoys, the soft rock pride of Wilkes-Barre PA. Perhaps the finest cannibalism ballad ever to reach the top 20.

Rupert Holmes - Him

him HIM HIIIMMMM

Rupert Holmes - Escape (The Pina Colada Song)

Comments

[Al Czervic]

You've nailed it! Excellent post. There are of course, many more evil ear-weevils out there in the mists of time in the musical museum, the Golden Grooveyard, etc etc. ad naseum.

Being an early 60's AM DJ back when vinyl ruled the airwaves, I had the displeasure of having to air some of these leakers (playlist mandated by the evil sneering Program Director) at a top 40 Hudson Valley station, WALL

My favorite was "Honey" by the above linked Goldsboro. I'd pimp the song by playing the sound of a Harley revving up and peeling out underneath the line "And then one day the Angels Came". I'd get howls of laughter from some, and some very nasty phone calls from ladies highly insulted that I'd make fun of this tearjerker.

Ah, the good old Daze, when every DJ emulated Dan Ingram and Wolfman Jack.
And now back to Hundred Pounds of Sound on the Mighty Five Ninety! (cue the Pam jingles)

[Al Czervic]

A few more:
Tony Orlando, right up there with "Tie a Yellow Ribbon"

A nasty rumor a year ago said he was found dead strangled at the crack of Dawn, but I see him doing TV ads for Nutrisystem.

"Yummy Yummy Yummy - I Got Love in My Tummy" 1910 Fruitgum Company?

"Achey Breakey Heart" -- That Cyrus Guy

"A B C" --Jackson Five

"Islands in the Stream" --Dolly Parton, Kenny Rogers

"Delta Dawn" --Helen Reddy

"Green Tamborine" - Lemon Pipers

anything by the Partridge Family

So much crud, so little time.

[tolbert]

I'm pretty sure that the compilation of these songs in one place is a violation of the Geneva Conventions on Torture, and if it isn't it sure ought to be.

[David Crawford]

"Crimson & Clover" by Tommy James and the Shondells. When I was in 7th grade, I swear they played that POS every half-hour.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoZScLTDzVU

"Green Eyed Lady" by Sugarloaf. There's a reason why these chumps disappeared -- THEY SUCKED!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xc1PHk9FhIk

"Horse With No Name" by America. Some of the silliest lyrics ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDL02th72u4

"Nights Are Forever Without You" by England Dan & John Ford Coley. Look up the word "dreck" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of these two mooks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bx4e-zSSbGY&feature=related

"Cover of the Rolling Stone" by Dr. Hook. Sucked in too many ways to detail.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ux3-a9RE1Q

Now don't even get me started on the crap music of the late 1970's midwestern bands (Kansas, REO Speedwagon, Styx, etc.) The late 70's sucked in so many ways, even the music. Especially the music!! I blame Smilin' Jimmah Carter for that.

[Jaded One]

What about the Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delights?" Or maybe that was a little edgy and risque for your timid tastes?

[Charles Miller]

"I've never been to me" by Charlene.

[S. Bailey]

Sgt. Barry Sandler

[Bobby Goldsboro is Anton Chigurh]

I think this music video explains some of the back-story to No Country For Old Men, that I have been yearning for. A failed pop music career is What set Anton Chirgurh down his path of destruction ... early signs were apparent in the lyrics of this song :

"she slipped and almost hurt herself ... and I laughed until I cried"

[Don Miller, Jr.]

Hey, I grew up on those songs.

I guess to people used to hip-hop, rap and todays so called music they are horrible, but to my generation they are a lot better than some of today's songs.

BTW, "Billy Don't Be A Hero" is about a soldier in the U.S.'s Civil War.

[Al Czervic]

Rap doesn't even fit the category . "Rap Music" is the ultimate oxymoron.

[K]

Melissa Manchester - Don't Cry Out Loud

[Brian Whittle]

I think Eddy Arnold - Molly should be up there unfortunately there does not seem to be a vid of this pile of pooh

[Brian Whittle]

I think Eddy Arnold - Molly should be up there unfortunately there does not seem to be a vid of this pile of pooh

[Mav]

You forgot about the song "I've never been to me" by Charlene. Surely no "worst music" list is complete without it.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5770252551439843039&q=never+been+to+me&ei=o8IZSMq2Jp2cqQLihbDzBw

[charliefreak]

Have you no sense of decency sir? At long last have you no sense of decency?

[perrobichi]

I would suggest for inclusion:
Shannon by Henry Gross
Her Town - J.D. Souther and James Taylor

[Al Czervic]

Returning with "A Deck of Cards" by Wink Martindale. I know it's from the 50's, but don't hold that against me.

"You see sir, when I look at the Ace,
it reminds me that there is but one God,
and the deuce, reminds me that the bible is divided
into two parts, the old and the new testament.
When I see the trey, I think of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost.
And when I see the four,I think of the four Evangelists who preached
the Gospel There was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
And when I see the five, it reminds me of the five wise virgins
who trimmed their lamps, there were ten of them,

Place this leaker at the top of my Top Ten.
Oh, and someone please name that dang horse in the desert please...

[Everbody]

Hotel California - The Eagles

[Paul]

1. I'm crying now. Don't touch me. I said don't touch me.

2. '70s music is to be listened to, not watched.

3. Tenille's hair is shiny, SHINY. ...I'm going to talk my wife into get that very hairdo.

4. Fact: I didn't watch any video all the way through. I couldn't.

I need to lie down.

[Kimberly]

Oh boy, there are some beauties here. Might I suggest the following for your Craptastic Hall of Fame?

The Night Chicago Died
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-L0NpaErkk&feature=related

The Night when the Lights Went out in Georgia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L8PNKvchcc

MacArthur Park (someone left the cake out in the rain)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaZim6ybvdA

Run, Joey Run (classic lyrics below...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GU0R9qmtLQA

I got in my car and I drove like mad, till I reached Julie's place
She ran to me, with tears in her eyes, and bruises on her face
All at once, I saw him there, sneaking up behind me, WATCH OUT!
Then Julie yelled, he's got a gun, and she stepped in front of me
Suddenly, a shot rang out, and I saw Julie falling
I ran to her, I held her close, when I looked down, my hands were red,
and heres the last words Julie said...

Daddy please don't, it wasn't his fault, he means so much to me
Daddy please don't, we're gonna get married.....aaahhh..ahhhh
ahhhh....ahhhhh

[agraham]

No wonder people were doing so much coke. This crap drains all the energy out of you. I think I'm going to go back to bed now.

[luckychucky]

Terry Jacks looks like Crispin Hellion Glover.

[Cate]

How about Clint Holmes' Playground in my Mind?

[iowahawk]

For those with a cast iron stomach, feast your peepers on this: Leo Sayer performing "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" (intro'ed by Captain and Tennille!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rju9b_Uk8Sw

[Craigfluence]

David Geddes: Run, Joey, Run.

'nuf said, as Marvel Comics used to say

;)