NY TIMES: CLAUS OK'D ILLEGAL SURVEILLANCE
The New York Times reported today that Polar authorities are engaged in a secret program to conduct warrantless monitoring of private communications and activities among U.S. minors. Anonymous sources within the State Department and Central Intelligence Agency said the program, codename "Operation Coal Lump," dates as far back as 1879, and recieved approval at the highest echelon of Polar administration, including President Santa Claus himself.
The disclosure of the program sparked an immediate furor among civil libertarian organizations and brats right groups. ACLU spokesman Dan Knaggs said "that chill in the air isn't December -- it's Big Brother Kriss Kringle unconstitutionally watching, and following, and evaluating your every move."
Josh Cleland, 9, a spokesboy for the Council For Misbehaving Americans, decried the program as "a looming threat to the economic rights of millions of young Americans, many of whom may be guilty of nothing more than a wedgie or Indian burn of self defense."
Cleland added that "Stop hitting yourself, retard. Stop hitting yourself, retard."
At an afternoon press conference, Claus angrily defended the secret youth surveillance program, saying that "with limited toy inventories, it is critical that we know who has been naughty and nice." He also called for an investigation into the leak, saying that "by revealing sources and methods, it has put thousands of our covert elves at risk for BB gun violence and worse."
The TImes announced it would be running a series of stories in the days ahead focusing on other illegal Polar administration programs, including unauthorized airspace violations and "no-knock" home invasions.
WICCANS DECRY 'WAR AGAINST SOLSTICE'
Wiccan Coven Association President Ozrius Ravenclaw announced today that his group would continue a formal economic boycott against several major US retailers "until they cease their relentless and cowardly attack on the Solstice."
Retailers affected by the boycott include Target, WalMart, Dollar General, Mills Fleet Farm, Victoria's Secret, AutoZone, and Hy Vee.
"This is 'Political Correctness' gone crazy. Where ever you shop these days, it seems like it's 'Happy Holidays' or 'Seasons Greetings,'" said Ravenclaw, who was formerly known as Chuck Sundergard. "Whatever happened to a good old fashioned 'All Glory to Gaia' or 'Jhakkaa Solztovo Chthulu?'"
Tractor Supply Company spokesman Kevin Neves denied accusations that his company instructed sales clerks not to use traditional Wiccan greetings.
"We welcome everybody to TSC, regardless of how they celebrate the season," said Neves. "We even stock a nice assortment of seasonal animal sacrifice altars, back in Lawn & Garden."
EXPERTS WARN ON SEASONAL RAGE TRIGGERS
The American Psychology Association released its annual ranking of causes for seasonal rage today, and for the seventh consecutive year the list was topped by the "Lexus Holiday Sales Event" commercial.
"For whatever reason, exposure to this stimulus can transform a normal, well adjusted adult into a cauldron of destructive psychopathy, harboring lurid fantasies of sneaking through the snow on Christmas morning to destroy bow-tied gift luxury cars with a tire iron," said APA scientist Rachel Sternthal. "This is usually accompanied by associated desires to hide in the bushes and laugh maniacally when the recipient uncovers his or her eyes to find $70,000 of smashed precision engineering burning to a crisp in the snowy driveway of their McMansion."
Sternthal said that people should seek professional counselling for prolonged exposure to the Lexus commercial or other top holiday rage triggers, which include:
2. FAO Schwartz "Welcome To Our World" song
3. Mall parking lot short-cutters
4. Office emails with links to websites with "Jingle Bells" sung in various animal sounds
5. Hourly donation requests from alumni association
6. Annual "festive" Xeroxed six page Christmas letters from high school classmates you haven't talked to in 20 years
7. Scotch tape
8. Okay, now I'm supposed to give a Christmas tip for the freaking garbage man? Jeez, how come I never get a Christmas tip?
9. 800 twisted wires securing Barbies and Transformers to cardboard packaging, I mean, it's like those Chinese toy workers into bondage or something
VIOLENT ELF STRIKE HOBBLES NORTH POLE
A three day walkout strike that has crippled production at SantaCorp's massive Toy Fab #1 Plant took a bloody turn today, as striking elves bludgeoned replacement elves from the South Pole with tiny bats and lead-filled candy canes.
The International Brotherhood of Elves, Pixies and Amalgamated Imp Tradesmen called the strike Monday after labor contract negotiation stalled. SantaCorp had sought a number of benefit reductions from the union, including pension contributions and an increase in retirement age from 847 to 856. IBEP-AIT President Jeepers Jinglecookie said Monday that the strike was "about worker dignity. Not only do we have to wear these ridiculous tights, but now management wants us to make a $10 co-pay for them."
After today's violence, an angered Jinglecookie warned management that "this is exactly what's gonna happen when you sled in a bunch of filthy iceback scabs to fill our tinker stations."
Management could not be reached for immediate comment. A SantaCorp spokesman said company officials were currently in Beijing, supervising construction of its massive new East Pole Toy Fab #2 Plant.