Three Cheers for the Iowa Caucuses!

An Iowahawk Salute to America's Corn-Crazy Electoral Overlords

Every four years, America kicks off its time-honored democratic ritual of selecting the next president of the United States. As always this process begins with the Iowa Caucuses, which will have an important say in determining the final nominees. And, as always, this process is marked by another time-honored ritual: millions of angry non-Iowans asking, "who died and made that stupid state God?"

As a native of the Hawkeye State, with family roots stretching five generations deep into the fertile black topsoil of America's heartland pork basket, I have to roll my eyes when I hear these ignorant, envious complaints, which sometimes shows up in cruel jokes like "do you know what 'Iowa' stands for? Idiots Out Walking Around!" Hardy har har. Well guess what? You never hear Iowans joking about "Nerds Eating Weak Yellowy Overcooked Rubbery Kernels" or "Corn Appears Like It's For Old Rats, Not Iowa Animals." We could, but we don't, because we're not a bunch of jealous, insecure people with inferiority complexes about our corn production, and ear length and girth, like some 'Super Tuesday' states I could name.

Unfortunately, the jealous resentment of non-Iowa states sometimes takes a more pernicious form, such as trying to "leapfrog" Iowa by scheduling their primaries earlier and earlier. Nice try, non-Iowa states. You want to move to January 20th? Fine, we'll reschedule to the 14th. January 7, you say? We'll take Christmas Eve. No matter how early you set your political alarm clocks, Iowa will already be down in the electoral kitchen, waiting to serve you a couple of delicious sizzling strips of candidate bacon from our caucus frying pan. It's our job, and it's not like we've got anything better to do.

If you are a political activist from one of the various non-Iowa states, let me first say I understand the hurt and frustration and resentment you probably feel toward my state, and the overwhelming attention it gets during the campaign season. But I will also tell you that the most important step toward healing is acceptance: acceptance of your own natural insignificance, and the fact that Iowa will always be first because it is the one state uniquely qualified to be America's official Presidential Sniff Tester.

Let's look at the facts:

Iowa is a Microcosm of America. A one-day national presidential primary (as some analysts have recommended) would be prohibitively expensive for all but the most well-funded candidates, and make 'dark horse' campaigns virtually impossible. Democracy is better served by a small scale contest that allows for grassroots candidates to build momentum, while representing the country as a whole. Luckily, Iowa is an almost perfect miniaturized 1/100th scale model of the United States. For example, Northeastern iowa is filled with gritty and glitzy urban financial centers like Dubuque, "Iowa's New York." Iowa's Missouri River West Coast teems with hi-tech Gay entertainment centers like Sioux City ("The San Francisco of Iowa") and Council Bluffs ("The Malibu of Iowa"). With its fashionable supermodel nightclubs and machine gun-wielding drug lords, far southeastern Keokuk is our Miami Beach. And, in the center of it all, there is Des Moines, which is famous as "the Des Moines of Iowa."

Iowa is also widely known as "The Diversity State," with its vibrant Norwegian-American community and its equally vibrant German-American community, not to mention a growing population of German-Norwegian-American halfbreed mestizos. And, according to the most recent U.S. Census, Iowa has twice as many African-Americans as New Hampshire, and both of them are keenly involved in the political process.

Iowans Are Moderate.  Historically, Iowa is neither strongly Republican nor Democrat, conservative nor liberal. It is near the median in state population and in the middle of the country, with an average per-capita income. Iowans speak in flat, unaccented Midwestern English, and avoid conflict and spicy foods. Iowans have a long tradition of political centrism borne of a strong libertarian desire to steer clear of government interference, along with an equally strong desire for federal subsidy checks to help better enjoy the government non-interference.

This heritage of fierce independent passive-aggressive blandness makes Iowa a valuable front line defense against political extremism from the right or left. America can trust Iowa to "weed out" any presidential candidates with non-centrist ideas, or extreme accents like "California surfer dude." Iowa is a swing state, and candidates who want to succeed here must show they are hardcore, balls-to-the-wall moderate swingers.

"How fah is it to Hahvahd Yahd?" A long goddamn way from Cedar Rapids, pal. So start walking.

Iowans Are Smart. One area where Iowa is NOT moderate: the area of brains. Go ahead and snicker, but perennial statistics place Iowa at or near the top of standardized intelligence measures like the Iowa Test of Basic Skills and the Iowa City-based ACT college aptitude test. Yeah, I can hear all you crybaby inferior-intelligence states: "Waaaa! That's because the refs are homers! Waaa!" Blubber about the refs all the way home on the short bus, Florida, because the IQ scoreboard says you just got PWN3D by the #1 Hawkeyes. Boo yeah!

Because of our extreme level of intelligence, Iowans are highly attuned to the critical issues of the day. You'll find us discussing them every morning at the local coffee shop, and in the afternoon over beers at the local tavern. At night, you find us discussing the issues further with our neighbor, after he pulls our pickup out of the ditch snow bank.

This is the whole genius of our Iowa caucus system. Unlike other states where voters merely cast a ballot for a candidate, we get together with our friends and neighbors and state our case. We ask the tough questions on the crucial national issues confronting all Americans. For Democrats, there are questions like, "which candidate has the best ethanol subsidy program?" and "will they allow video poker in the local ethanol plant?" and "do they support Social Security debit cards for seniors to play the video poker machines in the local ethanol plant?" On the GOP side, caucus goers will be asking, "which candidate has the best ethanol subsidy program?" and "how about replacing those Godless high school biology textbooks with 100% corn-based bibles?"

Because of this kind of thoughtful debate and discussion, America can trust the wise no-nonsense minds of Iowa to do the hard work of winnowing through the candidates for you and the rest of America's non-Iowa "special people." This way you are free to run and play and sing and color until it's time for your own state primary, which will be made much simpler thanks to us. Please remember to wear your helmet!

Iowans Need the Money. Specifically, the many hardworking Iowans employed at the Des Moines Register, KCRG, KCAU, KIOA, and WHO. Because it will be these humble, hardworking small media business people who will be the first to suffer if, God forbid, Iowa ever loses its primacy in the national election calendar. Without it, their rate cards will evaporate and their God-given political advertising revenues will be lost to giant national media conglomerates. Even worse, Iowans of all stripes will be robbed of the wall-to-wall, non-stop political attack ads we have come to cherish as our Hawkeye birthright.

"Whatever," you're saying, "let the Iowa media sell time to other advertisers." Easy for you to say, Mr. Heartless non-Iowa Cynic. 30-second herbicide and farm implement spots might keep the studio lights on, but they're not going to pay for the station manager's winter condo in Mesa. So the next time you bitch about all the attention given to the Iowa Caucuses remember: Iowa media are people too.

Speaking of which, I've got a few prime banner placements available before Caucus day. Campaign managers can email me for a rate card.