Iowahawk Special Guest Commentary
Gaius Julius Caesar
Yo mortal, how you livin'? It's your old pal JC, a/k/a Juicy Julius, a/k/a Flavius Flav. What's it been -- two, three millenniums? Yeah, longtimes. After that Forum dagger driveby by that punkass bitch Brutus and his crew, The Juice has been keepin' his shit on the downlow. Much respect to my homeboy Octavius for the deification. Being a straightup gangsta immortal up here at the Pantheon is great and all, but believe the Juice when he tells you that clubbin' with the gods ain't all it's cracked up to be. Yeah, there's some fineass goddess cooch everywhere like Minerva and Diana and Venus, but they're all like, "talk to the hand, demi-god. We the bottom bitches for Janus and Jupiter." And then there's my man Bacchus. Player knows how to get his crunk on, but lemme tell you cuz, player got a stank on him like an Etruscan catacomb after diarrhea season. And don't get me started on Mercury and Saturn. Them polesmokers think they're all that, just 'cause they got a couple shitty cars and planets named after them. Always up in my grille, like, "Yo Lil' Caesar! We got a $2 coupon for a medium pepperoni and mushroom." Then I'm like, "fuck your ghetto planets holmes, the Juice got a casino in Vegas."
Anyhow, every since we got wifi at the Pantheon, I've been spending a lot more time online checkin' out the dillyo back in the mortal 'hood. That when I read about this choad praetor Rocco Landesman, saying that your new imperator Obamacus is "the most powerful writer since Julius Caesar." At first I was LMFAO because, let's face it, the Juice didn't waste his prime warrior time word processing a bunch of papyrus scrolls. Word cuz, where I come from that kind of bullshit is for light-in-the-sandals scribefags like Livy and Plutarch. So I guess it was like hearing "Obama is the greatest chariot mechanic since Julius Erving." But then I think about it, and I'm like, WTF? Obama's palace asslick is comparing him to me? Srsly?
Agrippa, please -- act like you know. Skinny fool stages his own tribute in front of some brokeass styrofoam Roman columns, lines up some chump posse of media hagiographers and art school twats, and now y'all are like he's some OG mac daddy Julio-Claudian baller. Well, the Juice is here to say there ain't no half steppin' in the SPQR. And before Obamacus starts wearin' the old school coliseum laurel bling, punk needs to stop frontin' and step his emperor game the fuck up.
I mean, shit son, let's look at foreign policy. Back when the Juice was doin' his thang, them gutta thugs up in Gaul and Iberia knew better than disrespect Rome. 'Cause they knew the Juice had him a strong pimp hand, and he was liable to dial up his legions to go pop a pilium in their ass. This Obamacus clown? No time to talk to his own centurion general, that fool too busy ridin' his chariot all over Europa oratin' laments about his own damn empire. Sorry this, sorry that, open hand, please accept this reset button. Yeah, like that kind of bullshit is gonna calm those Parthians and Vandals and Barbarians the fuck down. And what exactly does he get for it? A couple 10 denarius "peace" medallions from the Goths and Gauls. Back in the day those Gauls had some straightup warrior badasses like Vercingetorix and Ambiorix, but apparently somewhere over the last 2000 years they turned into the biggest bunch of Eurohomos since the Athenians. Yo, you Gauls think Obama is sorry? The Juice is sorry he ever introduced you assholes to public baths.
So the other demi-gods are like, "yeah, Juice, but at least Obamacus knows how to handle his bidness back at home." No doubt the brother would rather lay down the slapahoe against his domestic haters, but even then he's just a punkass Roman wannabe. Take this Fox News / radio orators thing. Plebeian bitches serve him some straightup insolent haterade, and what does Obamacus do? Sends out his Praetorian guards to whine like pussies and rattle their fasces. Yo Obamacus, Rome up your shit! If you knew the first thing about handlin' your shit SPQR-style, you'd be turning Capitol Hill into Crucifixion Hill. Glennus Beckus? Boom! Up on the cross, bitch. Rushus Limbavus? Boom! You been served. Shit, send the survivors a bill for the nails. Believe the Juice, if you want to consolidate power and keep it real with your base, start lining that Washington Mall with Fox talking heads. Up on pikes.
Same thing with these tea party douchebags. Back in the BC, a mack dictator like the Juice didn't put up with that open rebellion shit. Come on player, get your game on! Confiscate that damn football stadium you got sitting over across the Potomac, and get yourself a couple bargeloads of pit lions from the Ethiopians. Let's see how those teabaggers enjoy being the halftime entertainment at the Redskins-Giants game. LMAO bitches, thumbs down. And believe me, nothing boosts an imperator's public approval rating like turning the opposition into lion snausages. Your loyal plebes will love it, and after the games you can hand out free bread. And healthcare.
Shit, I dunno, maybe I'm being too hard on Obamacus. The big problem is that the punk don't know how to pick a posse. Look at his Senators. Jupiter H. Cripes, I thought that crazyass Caligula was straightup psycho for appointing his horse to the Senate, but that thing had more brains than half these muthafuckers. Combined. And then there's his consuls and praetors. Fuck, if the Juice had that collections of douchebags the Roman Empire would have never made it past the Seven Hills Galleria Mall.
Yo, Obamacus, the Juice was a rookie dictator himself once, and the Juice knows how it is. Every punk ruler-for-life wanna be the next Xerxes or Nero or Scarface. But you're never gonna get emperor game till y'all start learning to handle your candle. Know what I'm sayin'? I know you be thinkin' you're some kind of stone cold Claudius, layin' down some phat oratory at the Forum and plowing your enemies' fields under with salt. But you still a teleprompter punk, and you gotta know what you don't know.
Word up player, it's gettin' late and the Juice has got an after hours party at Bacchus' crib. Y'all give the Juice a shout on my Facebook sometime and maybe I'll give you a few lessons on kickin' it old Roman emperor school. Lesson one: rule first, deification later.