My Fair Blogger

Illustration courtesy Colossus Blog

Book by Iowahawk
Music by Frederick Loewe and Alan Jay Lerner
Based on "Fascist Pigmalian" by the Reality-Based Community Dinner Theater

SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS
I tell you why there are two Americas, my dear Dr. Dean. Man is a product of his environment.

HOWARD DEAN
Balderdash! "So bententh the tree," say I. Take the insane Bush cabal that plotted 9-11, for instance, genetically rotted from root to branch.

EDWARDS
This is where you are wrong my friend, and I shall prove you so. Take the young woman over there, banging on the keyboard.

HOWARD DEAN (sniffing)
The one who reeks of cat urine? Ghastly! What of her?

EDWARDS
I am prepared to wager my indoor squash court that I can train her to be a proper presidential campaign representative.

AMANDA MARCOTTE
Fucking suckwad cocksuck fundy fuckwit godbag cunt!

HOWARD DEAN
Ha-ho! I will gladly indulge your in your foolish wager, Senator!

EDWARDS
I say, good woman... what is your name?

AMANDA
Amanda fucking Marcotte... Pandagon to you, you motherfucking cocksucking tool of the Southern fucking white fucking racist patriarchy!

EDWARDS
Young woman, how would like a job as my official blog master!

AMANDA
No shit?!!

WOULDN'T IT BE FUCKERLY (AMANDA)

All I want is a blog somewhere,
Far away from the wingnuts' glare.
With a fucking Aeron chair,
Aow, wouldn't it be fuckerly?

Lots of room to let off steam,
Lots of commenters, lots of scream.
Getting paid by the Edwards team,
Aow, wouldn't it be fuckerly?

Aow, so fuckerly bein' abso-fuckin'-lutely shrill.
I would never stop 'till spring
Crept over me windowsill.

Plastic Bush head on a spike,
assistant who's a vegan dyke. these and other things I like,
Aow, wouldn't it be fuckerly?
Fuckerly, fuckerly, fuckerly, fuckerly
[REPEAT]

EDWARDS
Delightful! See you monday morning.

******************************

EDWARDS
No, no, no! A proper lady must abstain from such vulgarity when representing a national presidential campaign.

AMANDA
I'm fucking trying, you asshole!

EDWARDS
Let's try again. To make a buck, you must not suck and fuck.

AMANDA
To... make... a buck... I must not... suck... and... fuck.

EDWARDS
Very good! Again!

AMANDA
To make a buck, I must not suck and fuck.

DEAN
I think she's got it!

AMANDA
To make a buck, I must not suck and fuck!

EDWARDS
By george, she's got it! She's really got it! Why won't you fuck?

AMANDA
To make a buck! To make a buck!

EDWARDS
And Who won't you fuck?

AMANDA
Some guy named Chuck, in the muck!
To make a buck, I must not suck and fuck!

EDWARDS
Congratulations Amanda, you're ready for the big fund raiser!

******************************
EDWARDS (aside to Dean)
Here is where my little experiment concludes, Dr. Dean - be prepared to pay off hansomely.

DEAN
Odd Bodkins, Edwards. You are a genius!

EDWARDS
Ladies and gentlemen of Sacred Heart Parish, instead of my normal stump speech this evening I would like to introduce my official blogger Amanda Marcotte, who will be presenting my campaign platform in song.

I COULD HAVE FUCKED ALL NIGHT (Amanda)

I could have fucked all night!
I could have fucked all night!
And still have fucked some more.
I could have spread my thighs
And done a thousand guys on the church house floor.
I'll never end up saddled with a fetus,
Morning after pills are women's right.
So shut your fucking pieholes pious Godbags,
I could have fucked,
fucked, fucked all night!

Edwards in 2008!

EDWARDS
Uh.. er... heh! heh.

PARISHONERS

EDWARDS
hee!

PARISHONERS

EDWARDS
ha?

EDWARDS
Amanda, may I have a word?

****************************

AMANDA
... and then the fucking fucker dumped me, after I fucking moved all the fucking way to North fucking Carolina!

HUFFY
Hee caunt do that to one of zee nethroots! Eets time for us to goo talk some senze eento John Edwards!

MY-DD
Important ACTION ALERT! Important ACTION ALERT!

D-KOS
Screw 'em!

(Angry netroots assemble outside the Edwards castle)

WE KNOW THE STREET WHERE YOU LIVE (Netroots Chorus)

We have often walked down your street before;
But the guardsmen always stopped us at your door.
But a rock can fly several stories high.
Asshole we know the street where you live.

Are there cameras watching every hall?
Can you hear us scaling up your wall?
Do our angry rants make you piss your pants?
We're coming to the street where you live!

And oh! Your towering ceilings
Just won't save you from the fear.
The overpowering feeling
That any second we may suddenly appear!
Guards with taser guns, they don't bother us.
For there's no where on earth that you're safe from us.
Go ahead and flee, we won't care 'cause we
have Google-mapped the street where you live.

EDWARDS
*gulp*

****************************

EDWARDS
Alright Amanda, you win. You can stay on, but under my conditions: first, you have to slap together a quick really sincere apology-like thing.

AMANDA
No problemo.

EDWARDS
Second, please no more cursing, at least on line.

AMANDA
Done and done, fuck face.

EDWARDS
Amanda, Why are you so suddenly so agreeable?

AMANDA
Got my first campaign paycheck, dumbass.

EDWARDS
Sigh.

I'VE GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO HER HATE (Edwards)

Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
I've grown accustomed to her hate.
She almost makes the stomach spin.
I've grown accustomed to her posts
too nuts for Daily Kos.
Her screams, her shreiks,
Her fits, her piques
Are second nature to me now;
Like a parasite beneath my skin.
I was headed for the White House and content before we met;
Surely I could always be that way again-
And yet
I've grown accustomed to her bile;
Accustomed to her snark;
Accustomed... to... her.... hate.

CURTAINS