Equal Time Debate: Whither "The View"?

As a member of the Society of Ethical Blogging, it is important to me that this site maintain a scrupulous standard of balance and fairness. That's why from time to time I will open this forum to dissenting opinions to foster a free-wheeling and frank debate on the important issues of the day. My guest opponent today is veteran blogger Jim Treacher, whose opinions appear at The Daily Gut, JimTreacher.com, and Blowing Smoke. Please welcome Jim as we consider the Equal Time question: "would a hypothetical chained drowning episode make The View watchable?"

The Iowahawk View

Jim, in a recent post at the Daily Gut, you said that "I want to see an episode of [The View] where everyone is chained to the floor, audience included, and over the course of the hour the studio is slowly filled to the top with water. In particular, I want to watch the last 5 minutes." While I can't speak to your personal entertainment choices, I think you are grossly underestimating what it would take to make The View watchable to the average sentient human being. And frankly it would take a lot more than a hypothetical slow motion drowning special to put lipstick on this pig. This is not to say the progam is completely irredeemable; for instance, I like the idea of replacing the current panelists with attractive, non-screaming strippers. In place of 9-11 conspiracy theories, this improved View might think about running Heckle and Jeckle cartoons, and instead of a live audience, how about car wreck videos? Perhaps it could be renamed The Hot Naked Cartoon Chicks and Bitchin' Car Wrecks View. After a few weeks to forget that this show used to be The View, I can imagine tuning in.

But your idea? Let's take a look at the facts. Obviously there would be massive work involved in modifying the studio doors in order to make them water tight. Nautical engineers and construction experts would have to be hired, and extensive water testing would mean precious weeks would fritter away while the hosts and audience remained tragically undrowned. And what about the chains? Who will pay for them and the padlocks? Who will be responsible for strapping them on the various panelists and audience members?

Even if these logistic problems could be solved, your hypothetical sealed-studio water-fill plan has only two possible outcomes. Failure means continued airing of the View until a backup drowning plan could be devised. If it is successful, viewers would be bombarded with the nightmarish images of Rosie O'Donnell and Joy Behar floating mermaid-style in clingy garments. Either alternative, I think you would agree, would be too horrible to contemplate for the average television viewer.

Jim, I'm afraid that when it comes to making The View watchable, your idea is just "all wet."

Rebuttal: Jim Treacher

Dear America-hating Communist:

I'm an idea man. I'm not really interested in your "logistic problems." Blah blah blah. We can put a man on the moon (allegedly), but you're telling me we can't drown a few clucking hens?

Here are some of my other ideas for improving daytime television:

• The Tyra Banks Show: At least once per episode, Tyra is attacked by a squad of deadly ninjas.
• The Today Show: Matt, Meredith, and the gang deliver the news, health & beauty tips, and just plain fun you need to start your morning off right, while dodging unseen snipers.
• Maury: He just gets straight-up tortured. Waterboarding, what have you. Even Andy Sullivan wouldn't protest.
• Martha and Rachel Ray: Two women. One cage. No clothes.
• The Ellen DeGeneres Show: I actually kind of like her, in theory. She gets to keep doing whatever it is she does.

How do you like that, Mr. Downer? Mr. No Fun?

Rejoinder: Iowahawk

There you go again, Jim. Sure, these cheap Nielsen ploys might -- in theory -- add some welcome spice to typical daytime TV fare, but we are talking about The View here. And if you think weak half-measures like drownings or snipers or ninjas or nude cage matches are enough to overcome Rosie & company's loathesomeness, then I'm afraid you're woefully naive about just how unwatchable and nauseating the show really is.

Oh, I suppose I could get on board with your plan if it included electric eels or a climactic shark release into the submerged studio; few of us can resist a bloody feeding frenzy, plus it would provide a potential promotional tie-in with the Discovery Channel. But it would also mean pumping in salt water, and the inevitable rust problems long after the janitors drain the studio and mop up the remains.

In sort: your "ideas" represent the sort of fuzzy-headed network programming decisions that lead to things like "Red Eye." But, as guest dissenter, I'm giving you the last word.

Final Word: Jim Treacher

Whatever!