Advice for the Lovelorn

Dear Barry:

I've been married to the same wonderful man -- Let's call him "Jeremiah" -- for 20 years. He's a great provider and we live in a beautiful home. He dotes on me and treats me like a queen; even after twenty years he still brings me little gifts and opens doors for me. Best yet, our sex life is fantastic!  Jeremiah enjoys spicing things up with role-play, such as "Adolf and Eva," and we host weekly swinger get-togethers for like-minded couples. I know it probably must sound kind of kinky, but trust me - it keeps things interesting in "the boudoir."

That's where the trouble comes in. Lately it's been hard for Jeremiah to step out of his bedroom character, even when we have company over. For example, the other night I was hosting bunco night for the neighborhood girls and Jeremiah came goose-stepping into the rec room in his black leather swastika thong and riding crop, screaming "Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fuhrer!!"

Frankly, it was somewhat embarrassing. I've asked Jeremiah to "tone it down" and save the Nuremberg speeches for the privacy of swinger's night, but he refuses. Also, I think he may be clinically insane. I'm worried that if word gets out it may hurt our chances of getting membership in the country club. What should I do?

Confused in Hyde Park

Dear Confused:

Remember the old saying, "dance with the one who brung ya." Despite his kinks Jeremiah got you where you are today, and it's important for you to remain loyal to him until you're absolutely certain he has become a real liability for your country club application. If so, encourage Jeremiah to strip down to his thong and rant about Jews at the next country club cocktail party. Then you can feign heartbreak, and run crying for the bathroom. This will earn you the sympathy of the club admissions committee, and they will probably offer you an individual membership for your "courage." Jeremiah won't mind because he's obviously more into his Fuhrer fantasy than improving his golf swing. And trust me -- the make-up sex you have later will be unbelievable!

Dear Barry:

I am a graduate student at a large Midwestern university. Last semester I was seduced by an older female professor and we have been having a secret affair ever since.  I know this is probably a "no-no," but despite our age gap we share many common ideas and values, and she has been very helpful in lining up grants and scholarships for me. The trouble is I recently discovered that she is also a fugitive bomb maker from a radical neo-Maoist terrorist splinter cell affiliated with the Manson family. My conscience tells me I ought to break things off, but I'm worried how it might affect my GPA. Please help!

Torn in Evanston

Dear Torn:

You did say "secret," didn't you? So let's keep it that way, and make sure you maintain plausible deniability. If Professor Hot Lips starts talking dirty about revolutionary bombing, try to steer the pillow talk back to something more innocuous, like Derrida or the price of arugula.

Dear Barry:

As a widow with three beautiful teenage daughters, life can sometimes be a lonely struggle. Luckily my friends recently set me up on a blind date with a Syrian immigrant gentleman whom I will call "Tony." Although Tony is not particularly handsome, and is living in the U.S. illegally, and is facing 36 federal indictments, and has terrible body odor, he has been very kind and generous to me and my girls.

Lately, I think our relationship has gone to the next level. Yesterday Tony offered to buy a beautiful spacious $1 million house for us. I told him I was flattered but I just couldn't accept a gift like that from someone I had only known a few weeks. He told me not to consider it a gift, but a loan that I could pay back in small installments, such as having my girls dance at a local club he owns. Not only would I be getting back a return for all those expensive after-school ballet lessons, Tony says the girls will get to meet many important businessmen from Syria, Iran, Cicero, etc.

My question -- do you think this might be Tony's prelude to a proposal?

Curious in Chicago

Dear Curious:

Cupid works in mysterious ways! If you're worried about Mr. Middle East Moneybags getting matrimonial cold feet, one way of getting to commitment is through kickbacks. Tell Tony you want at least 25% of your daughters' ballet tips, in unmarked bills.

Dear Barry:

My heart has been crushed so many times before, I have almost lost count. It seems like every four years I get in a serious relationship with a new guy; it starts with infatuation but he invariably turns out to be a boozer, an abuser, or a loser, and I am left to pick up the pieces. I swear sometimes I must be cursed or subconsciously a masochist.

Finally, though, I think I may have met Mister Right. He's tall and dark and handsome, with this mysterious, dreamy, rugged faraway look in his eye that tells me he is THE ONE. Whenever he needs to borrow my car, or some money for his experimental jazz project, he always looks deep in my eyes and says "thank you" in that smoky baritone, and I swear I think I'm going to melt.

Long story short, we've moved in together. But now that I've finally found true love, some of my so-called "friends" have been less than supportive. Most of them are very positive, but a few have lately been "warning" me that he's no good, and hangs out with a bad crowd, and blah blah blah.  How do I deal with this kind of petty jealousy? Also, when would be a good time for me to ask my new boyfriend what his name is?

Puzzled in Washington

Dear Puzzled:

Don't listen to the nay-sayers! I say follow your heart, and hop on your dreamboat tramp steamer for a mystery love cruise to Fantasy Island. Even if that Island is deserted and filled with tropical disease, you can still make beautiful experimental jazz together.