Good afternoon! Hello, residents of Whispering Hills subdivision! Thank you for that fine reception. How's everybody doin' out there?
Now that's what I call spirit - Reno spirit. American spirit! Yessir, what you folks might lack in numbers, you make up for in enthusiasm. Just like Reno is the 'Biggest Little City in the USA,' I've gotta say you folks are the Biggest Little Garage Sale Crowd in Reno this afternoon. So give yourself a Biggest Little Hand!
Yeah! Alrigh-yi-yi-YI YI YI YI YI YI YIIGH SQUEEEEECH
Oh, uh, sorry about that. Billy, can we bring down the EQ on the driveway monitor? I'm getting some nasty feedback here. Okay. Check. Check. Pop. Poppop. Check check, testingggg one two. Okay, I think we got that.
Okay! As I was about to say, it's no accident I'm here today at the Kellers. You all know Paul and Val here as great neighbors, the kind of hardworking friendly neighbors any neighborhood in America would want. And as President of the United States neighborhood, I've worked tirelessly to make sure that neighbors like Pal and Vaul have the financial support they need to stay right here in Whispering Hills.
Yeah! Sure, you can applaud! Come on, give it up for the Kohlers!
That's why, when the housing crisis occurred during the previous administration, we got to work on programs to provide support to families struggling with mortgage payments. As you all know there were a lot of...
How's that? Oh. I'm sorry but could it possibly wait? We'll be on our way in 10, 15 minutes tops, and... oh.
Um, could I have one of you fellas in the security detail move the motorcade? One of the Escalades is blocking a driveway. Yes. That one over there, with the white minivan. Let's step on it guys, I'm told they're late for a soccer tournament.
Okay, then. Where was I? Yes. The mortgage payments. As you know there were a lot of unscrupulous lenders during the previous administration who tricked unsuspecting Americans into buying houses they couldn't afford. And suddenly, when the housing market crashed, those folks found themselves no longer able to afford the houses they couldn't afford. That's when we lept into action - with innovative federal refinancing programs and loan guarantees to make sure the owners could keep up their payments to the unscrupulous lenders, and no longer worry about losing their unaffordable houses. This is just one of the ways that we are making...
Whoa, heads up! Son, you really need to work on that jump shot! What the... for God's sake, Marvin, you didn't need to tackle the boy, it was just an air ball. What's your name, son?
Josh? So Josh, what kind of game console do you have? XBox, okay. As your president, I'm asking you to go inside and play XBox until I'm finished with my speech. You can come back out and shoot hoops all you want later. Okay? Okay.
So, in any case... hey, I heard that! I heard that, Josh!
So, in any case, that is just one of the many ways we are helping everyday homeowner in neighborhoods all across America. Take for example the Keelers here, Pearl and Van. Yes, I mean Paul and Vel. Val. When they decided to reduce household clutter and free up extra cash to help create jobs in the community, we stood at the ready to invest through our innovative American Garage Sale Recovery Act. Through AGRA, the Kelmers were able to secure federal grants-in-aid to buy the yard signs, Craigslist ads, card tables and price tags they needed, along with expert advice from the Federal Bureau of Garage, Rummage & Yard Commerce.
When I heard about how this innovative $23,000 public-private partnership was helping Paul and Val, I couldn't wait to fly out here on Air Force One and see all these incredible bargains for myself. Bargains like this 4.5 horsepower Briggs & Stratton go-kart for only $6,000! So who wants to step up and buy this fun...
Bob, please, I'm just getting to the sale, and... oh. Are you sure? Well, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go ahead and pull the sale on that go-kart. Apparently they were outlawed by the Comprehensive Go-Kart Emissions & Safety Act I signed 2009. And a good thing too, because nothing matters to me more than safety, the environment, and also the economy. But don't worry, there are plenty of other great bargains here. Like this commemorative Obama-Biden Inauguration collector's plate, made of real porcelain! And only $50! Who wants to be the first to buy this piece of history?
Don't be shy, $50 takes it home.
Fifty, fiftay, fifffffftaaaaay.
Okay, how about if I make it even more of a collector's piece. Marvin, could I have the Sharpie? Thanks. There - a commemorative Obama-Biden Inauguration plate, signed by me, the 44th president of the United States. Okay, do I hear fifty dollars?
Okay, you know what? Before the bidding gets too crazy, I think I'm gonna keep this one for myself. Sold! To the president of the United States, for $100! Marvin, could you pay Paul and Vil? I'm a little short this week.
And there you have it folks, a great start to a great public garage sale. It's great seeing our investments at work, with Pal and Vaul $100 closer to the money they'll need to pay their federal go-kart racketeering fine. Unfortunately, I have to fly back to Washington to create more innovative programs, but please stick around for more of these incredible bargains!
God bless you, and God bless the United States of America yuh-yuh-YUHYUHYEHYEEYEESCQREEEE
Dangit, can somebody do something about the feedback?