August 2 is but a few days away, and you know what that means: I need to buy mom a birthday card. Also THE COMMENCEMENT OF THE BUDGETARY MELTDOWN END DAYS WHERE WE FACE FINAL ARMAGEDDON UNLESS WASHINGTON GETS ITS BAR TAB RAISED ANOTHER TRILLION. Or something.
I know the consequences of failing to do so are too horrible to contemplate, but I went ahead and contemplated them anyway. This resulted in a bunch of 140-characters-or-less prophecies for the Twitter hashtag #ConsequencesofDefault, which I have edited and compiled for your edification. If my inner Nostradamus is any guide, the post-apocalyptic future of August 3, 2011 looks grim indeed:
Beltway policy experts begin living by own wits; after 45 minutes there are no survivors.
Roving bands of outlaws stalk our streets, selling incandescent bulbs to vulnerable children.
Unregulated mohair prices at the whim of unscrupulous mohair speculators.
NPR news segments no longer buffered by soothing zither interludes.
Breadlines teeming with jobless Outreach Coordinators, Diversity Liaisons, and Sustainability Facilitators.
Cowboy poetry utterly lacking in metre.
General Motors unfairly forced to build cars that people want, for a profit.
Chaos reigns at Goldman Sachs, who no longer knows who to bribe with political donations.
Mankind's dream of high speed government rail service between Chicago and Iowa City tragically dies.
Sesame Street descends into Mad Maxian anarchy; Oscar the Grouch fashions shivs out the letter J and the number 4
No longer protected by government warning labels, massive wave of amputations from people sticking limbs into lawn mowers
New York devolves into a dystopian hellscape of sugared cola moonshiners, salty snackhouses and tobacco dens.
At-risk Mexican drug lords forced to buy own machine guns.
Chevy Volt rebate checks bounce, stranded owners more than 50 miles from outlet.
WH communications office reduced to sending talking points to Media Matters via smoke signals and log drums.
Potential 5-year old terrorists head to boarding gates ungroped.
Defenseless mortgage holders forced to live in houses they can actually afford.
Without college loan program, America loses an entire generation of Marxist Dance Theorists.
Embarrassing state dinners, as Obamas are forced to downgrade from Wagyu to Kobe beef.
President Obama places tarp over Washington Monument to conceal from Chinese repo men.
With the Dept of Ed shuttered, national school quality plummets to 1960s levels.
Anthony Weiner is forced to pay for own sex addiction therapy.
Displaced teenaged policy wonks organize under Supreme Warlord Ezra Klein.
Nation's freeway exits croweded with desperate bureaucrats waving 'will regulate for food' signs.
State Department diplomacy becomes 38% less diplomatic.
WH holds rummage sale Rose Garden; all HOPE merchandise, styrofoam Greek columns 95% off.
[What? Again, with the stupid Twitter one-liners? Sorry, I've been busy with some other stuff. Less epigrammatic content coming soon. Promise. -ed.]