GRAND CANYON, AZ - Standing on the rim of the gaping two-mile wide chasm of the Grand Canyon in a star-spangled jumpsuit, Joe Biden today announced a new $53 billion federal high speed rail program that will include funding for "SkyTrain X-2," a new experimental locomotive that, if successful, will make him the first known U.S. Vice President to jump the Grand Canyon by rail.
"This is a big fucking deal - a big fucking deal," explained Biden. "And I wouldn't have volunteered for this mission if I didn't have complete confidence in Amtrak, my good buddy [US Transportation Secretary] Ray LaHood, and Four Loko - the official energy drink of SkyTrain X-2."
Biden, joined by LaHood at the canyon-side press conference, said the dramatic jump attempt was planned to publicize America's return to world rail prominence.
"For too long we've stayed on the sidelines and watched the rest of the world eat our lunch in the high speed passenger train game," he said. "Well, let me tell you something Mister and Mrs. John Q. America, we've had our Sputnik moment wake up call and we've stopped hitting the snooze button. When I go flying up that ramp and across that canyon on March 6, dangerous crosswinds permitting, it will send a message loud and clear to the Japanese and Uzbeks and Cameroons - it is on, amigo."
"Woo! Shake and BAKE," added LaHood, in a celebratory chest bump.
According to the project press kit, Biden will be attempting the jump in a train of his own design. After a TSA patdown, Biden will board the 8-car, 150 ton UAW-built train, accelerate to nearly 80 miles per hour up a 1200-foot launch ramp, touchdown on the far side of the canyon, and retreive his baggage from the carousel.
LaHood dismissed criticisms of the project for being unneccessarily dangerous.
"Are there risks? Absolutely," said LaHood. "But did a little danger scare off Orville & Wilbur Redenbacher? But we've taken every precaution, including emergency parachutes and padding the bottom of the canyon with a 50 foot deep cushion of $100 bills."
Biden said the jump was only the first phase in a comprehensive multi-decade federal plan to cement US global leadership in light rail, subways, high speed land trains, airborne trains, undersea trains, and intergalactic trains. The $53 billion program announced today would begin with the building of a complex criss-crossing national rail network, the crown jewel of which will be the 'Sustainability Express' subterranean solar train, providing non-stop service between Wilmington, DE and Scranton, PA.
"When it is finished in 2046, it will shave nearly 15 minutes off the comparable driving time between Wilmington and Scranton," boasted the Vice President. Construction of two additional non-stop solar subway lines connecting Wilmington with Sioux City, IA and Macon, GA will begin in 2013.
Biden said the ultimate goal of the project is time travel.
"We need go mano-a-mano with the future, and grab that bastard by the balls," he said. "Listen, I've looked at the projections, and mister, it isn't pretty. That's why when we get all these test train systems out of the way, we are going to build a Supertrain through the Time Tunnel to the Land of the Lost, where we can take out Optimus Prime and the Sleestaks before they can travel back to 2011 and sabotage our national train security."
"We've got to seize the future," added Biden. "And take it from somebody who knows - a good seizure can be really fun!"