There comes a time when a man must make his stand.
That moment came for me today, when US President / Commander-in-Chief / National School Lunch Lady Barack Obama took to the airwaves to declare an all-out War on Tater Tots. And right on cue, his missus traveled to Fort Jackson SC to brief military leaders on a pressing "national security problem" -- childhood obesity.
Maybe this is what he meant by a "Spudnik moment," but for me it was a wake-up call that our cherished American tuber rights are under siege. For if they can take our Tots, what do the Tater tyrants want next? Our Funyuns? Our Fluffernutter?
No, say I. You can nationalize our car companies. You can spend our country into oblivion. But mister, when you go after my Tots -- you've gone a casserole too far. That's why I'm declaring January 28 to February 3 National Tater Tots Rights Week and asking you to stand up with me against the Tot-grabbers in Washington. Let's let 'em know they'll get our Tater Tots when they pry them from our cold dead greasy fingers! Here's how you can participate:
Join the Buy-cott. Raid the frozen potato section of your local grocery store and buy up their Tot supply before the Feds get there first. Together, we can give Ore-Ida the financial resources they need to stave off a potential hostile government takeover.
Get out in the kitchen, rattle those pots and pans. Okay, you've got a home freezer full of spud nuglets. What next? Feed 'em to your hungry family and friends, stupid! There are a gazillion delicious, insurrectionist ways to incorporate Tots in your diet, like this. So get creative, and take pictures!
Organize and share. Forget the Tea Party, all the hip anti-government revolutionaries are joining the Tot Party! And you can be a Totbagger too - spread the word about National Tater Tot Rights Week on your favorite social media. Share strategies and recipes and organize local Tot-ins in the open comment section below.
If you have pictures of you spud-activism, make sure you email them to me (link on left sidebar) so I can share them with your comrades. So don't be shy -- show me your Tots!
Breaking spud news! Totbagger fury is simmering in the comments section, along with important information. Via Russell Snow, this alternative take from Joad Cressbeckler:
From commenter "Lawless" comes this suggestion for a Totbagger anthem...
...while Hawaiian tuber activist Kini prefers this infectious bit of 80's potato-pop:
Check the comments for more tater debaters. While the contoversy mashes on, I'm getting correspondence from the front lines. From "Tom Nav" comes this cell phone pic of a bag of soon-to-be contraband he acquired at his local grocers:
From reader Mike Clarke, a delicious division of bacon-armored Tots ready to march into the broiler. Mike adds: "I’m hiding all my tots inside bacon from now on. (with a pickled Jalapeno)"
Sharp eyed New York reader Anthony Bialy shares this on-the-spot photo demonstrating that the Tot insurrection has reached Manhattan. Anthony writes:
"It looks like America's favorite/most awesome chain is on our side. We can stick it to The Man by eating America's favorite form of hash browns as served by comely waitresses. Hooray for orange shorts!"
If that wasn't enough to convince you that Gotham is the new hotbed of Tater revolution, NYC reader "Dahlees" shares this mighty skyscraper of spudlets from her weekend dinner table:
Remember the Alamo! Texan Greg McCoy suggests a battle standard:
"there needs to be a Gonzales Flag of defiance, On the field of the flag a Tater Tot, beneath the words 'Come and Take it'"
Your wish is my command, Tex!
But the early leader for most creative Totbagger goes to another Texan, Gregg Geil, who shares this delicious dessert:
"To really move the needle on tater tot sales, it is necessary to take the tot where it has never been before. Specifically dessert. Dessert tonight was a Tater Tot Sundae. It is redolent of the taste of a french fry dipped in a chocolate Dairy Queen milkshake."
While Clark Van Meter writes to remind me there's a Tater Tot mecca right in my Chicagoland back yard.
"Meier's Tap? I seem to remember you saying something about tots being their signature dish... Is it time to defend teh tot from there?"
Excellent catch, Clark! Perhaps Meiers would be the ideal place for an apres-revolution eat-in. Totstock, anyone? Let me know if you are interested in the comments. In the meantime, keep emailing those spudventures!