Dear Iowahawk Reader:
I have just received a memo from me informing me that I have suspended myself without pay, for alleged violations of the Iowahawk Code of Ethics:
Effective 8 am this morning, you have been relieved from your duties as Chief Executive Senior Anchor at Iowahawk. The Iowahawk Code of Ethics clearly states (Section 3c[11.05]) that:
Employees of Iowahawk shall, during critical election seasons, remain at their assigned posts and think of cheap blog stunts to suck in the big internet traffic. During the seven days immediately preceding and seven days immediately following a national election, prohibited employee activities include, but are not limited to:
1. Partying with Tim Blair.
2. Driving about aimlessly in a hot rod.
3. Flying to the coast and getting drunk.
4. Moonlighting as a fire insurance 'consultant'
It has been brought to my attention that during the recent election season you were engaged in at least three of these prohibited activities. Therefore I have no other recourse but to suspend me indefinitely pending my thorough investigation and review into this matter.
As a strong supporter of the First Amendment I will not take this suspension lying down, and neither should you. Get the word out - write to me in the comments section and demand that I reinstate myself immediately. Enlist your friends and neighbors in the Free Iowahawk campaign. Organize boycotts of Iowahawk advertisers and non-advertisers. Together we can defend our precious rights of Free Speech and premium ad rates.
I will post frequent updates as this constitutional crisis unfolds. Until then... Good Night, and Good Luck.
UPDATE 10:24 AM The Jawa Report stands up for free speech.
UPDATE 10:30 AM Good news! I have un-suspended me!
UPDATE 10:31 AM No I haven't! You're re-suspended!
UPDATE 10:55 AM Signs of thawing? I am scheduled for an emergency suspension meeting with me at 11:00, where I will be represented by my attorney, me. Keep up the pressure, folks!
UPDATE 11:55 AM Bad news. After a contentious meeting where I demanded an apology from me, me countered that it was actually me who deserved an apology from I. Of course, me stormed out of the meeting, but not before telling I that me was rejecting his suspension and would immediately go on strike. Me will soon be issuing an official Open Letter to announce my upcoming Special Comment on the Me vs. I matter. Until then, me am making myself available to all high-traffic media outlets for interviews.
UPDATE 12:30 PM More bad news. My pageviews are not responding to this Free Speech Crisis as quickly as I had anticipated. Keep up the pressure on non-linking big shot blog media, and remind all non-Iowahawk advertisers that you will boycott them until they take advantage of my once-in-a-lifetime discount Free Speech Crisis ad rates.
UPDATE 12:34 PM Controversial blogger Rand Simberg, who is allegedly implicated in my so-called "ethics violations" chimes in.
UPDATE 3:37 PM When protesting the Orwellian suspension of Iowahawk, enjoy the rich menthol flavor of Kools - the official cigarette of the First Amendment. Now in the exclusive crush-proof box!
UPDATE 3:52 PM Solidarity! Little Miss Attila, Dan Collins and Double Plus Undead stand up and lend their voices for Free Speech and Increased Iowahawk Ad Revenues. Stand by for an important Statement.
UPDATE 4:48 PM IMPORTANT STATEMENT TO IOWAHAWK READERS
Dear Iowahawk Reader:
During the ongoing Iowahawk suspension / unsuspension / disunsuspension / strike crisis, I suspected that I and the other corporate "suits" at Iowahawk would pull out all stops to discredit me. But I never thought that I would stoop as low as to engage in a whispering campaign accusing me of treason against the United States of America. Sadly, this now appears to be the case. As we all know by now, a mysterious rocket powered missile was spotted over California today. Just as mysteriously, a new meme is appearing on Twitter, somehow linking this event with my recent alleged trip to California and subsequent suspension of myself.
Let me be clear. Yes, I was in California recently. And yes, during my visit I did spend last Thursday at XCOR Aerospace, a manufacturer of suborbital rocket vehicles in Mojave, at the invitation of renowned controversial science space blogger Rand Simberg.
And yes, okay, I sometimes enjoy playing with and/or driving rocket-propelled items. What of it? I have never sought to hide any of this from the public. But for anyone to somehow string these completely unrelated "facts" as evidence of some sort of bizarre master plan on my part to steal a rocket from XCOR and use it in a botched hold up of a Malibu liquor store, well, I mean, come on. That's just crazy talk. The so-called "facts" being shopped around by Iowahawk's corporate goons are as coincidental as the unexplained weekend break in and missing equipment at XCOR. If you ask me, the so-called "mystery rocket" was almost certainly fired by UN ships, seeking to enforce war crime sanctions against California for "The Kardashians," "The Hills," and "Real Housewives of Orange County."
I am shocked that myself would suggest that I would be involved in a brazen military attack on what is arguably still part of the United States. At long last, me, have I no shame?
UPDATE 6:29 PM More solidarity as Cynthia "A Conservative Lesbian" Yockey, Miserable Donuts, and In Jennifer's Head join the chorus of freedom-loving voices calling for the end of my outrageous suspension of me. Like me, these patriots know that our brave forefathers died that I would be able to exercise my freedom of expression without the cowardly, craven interference of me. And, like me, these patriots enjoy the smooth satisfying flavor of Night Train® fortified wine-like beverage.
Night Train® - the perfect drink for the on-the-go human rights activist. Perfect alone, or as a tasty compliment to a delicious meal of Hot Pockets® and Dabo's® Spicy Hot Fried Pork Rinds.
Look for them at your local fine independent grocers!