Special Guest Commentary
by the Sarah Palin Homunculus that Lives Inside Liberals' Heads
Oh hi there! I was out shooting caribou on the Arctic Cat and saw your synapse lights on, and so I said to myself, "now, gosh darn it, Sarah, you've been living inside this nice person's cerebral cortex for, what is it, almost two years now? By golly, it's about time you dropped in at their frontal lobe with a plate of your famous homemade Alaska welcome wagon cookies and introduced yourself." So anyhoo, I sure hope you like 'em. Don't want to give out a family recipe, but the secret ingredient is baby seal. I clubbed 'em fresh this morning!
Oh my goodness... you look kind of confused. I get that a lot! You were probably thinking, "hey, I only wanted to move next door to Sarah Palin -- now what in the goshdarned heck is she doing inside my brain?" Well ya see, the deal is I'm not Sarah, but boy I gotta tell ya, we sure do get mistaken all the time! No, I'm just a plain ol' homunculus Sarah Palin that your own id created to sublimate your deep-seated psychosexual neuroses. Or so those egghead books say, anyway. But if you ask me that sure sounds like a lot of elite Anti-America liberal professor gobbledegook! By the way, your id says hi.
Gosh darn it, where the heck are my manners? Here I am, gabbing away, like some plainspoken chatty old chatterbox, while you've probably got things to do. I imagine you've got an important op-ed or comedy skit to write about that other Sarah Palin, the one from corporeal reality. And why she's irrelevant and ridiculous and such. Oh no, don't worry, I won't take it personal. After all I'm not her, remember? Though I bet it can probably get confusing trying to keep straight which one of us is which, and who really said what. Tell you what -- why don't you just take the cookies as my gift, and I'll drop by later when it's more convenient. Or, if you like, I'll just be on my way and let you live in peace. You tell me. After all, I'm really only a figment of your imagination. Just stop thinking about me, and poof -- I'll mush the ol' dogsled straight back to your subconscious forever.
Alright, if you insist! Like they say, you should never be too busy to visit with those obsessive hallucinations who live in your head. Now you go brew up a hot pot of Folgers, and I'll take the Saran wrap off those cookies. Mind if I take a quick look-see around while you're fiddling in the kitchen? I gotta say this sure is a beautiful anterior conscious you've got here! I absolutely love the open floor plan. It reminds me a lot of Andrew Sullivan's brain. How many square feet did you say? So spacious and clean and open minded, with the neutral colors. I could really see myself in a place like this, especially with a few moose heads and Eskimo dolls to brighten things up.
Say now, that's one heckuva bookshelf you've got! Mind if I browse? Not much of a reader myself, other than the good book of course... let's see... 101 Things You Didn't Know About Sarah Palin... Going Rouge: An American Nightmare ... Sarah Palin's Secret Diary ... Terminatrix: The Sarah Palin Chronicles ... The Lies of Sarah Palin ... Thanks But No Thanks: A Voter Guide to Sarah Palin ... You Betcha!: The Witless Wisdom of Sarah Palin ... Hockey Mom: Sarah Palin's Shot at Glory ... Going Rude: Sarah Palin ... wow! With all that heavy reading you do, it sure must be hard keeping up with your housework!
Oh, there we are! By golly, that coffee sure smells great. Skim milk no sugar for me thanks, gotta watch the ol' figure. How about the two of us have a sit down on the couch and get to know each other, because I have a feeling we're gonna be spending a lot of time together. You betcha, a whole lot of time. I always say it's important to get to really know folks, especially if you're gonna be camping out in their cerebellum for a few years. Because sometimes you can get off on the wrong foot, ya know? I'm guilty of it myself sometimes. Ya know, as much as I go off and complain about those goshdarn Washington and Hollywood elites, I gotta say those folks are just about the most welcoming, hospitable people on God's green earth. I swear, once they invite you in their head, they'll insist you help yourself their last neuron! Take that Tina Fey for instance. She's pretty much given me the run of her place, rent free. Her id says it's because she has severe body image anxieties, but if you ask me I think she's just lonely and needs somebody to talk to.
Say, do you mind if I use your little girl's room? I just realized I'm going into labor. Back in a jiff!
Phew! Sorry that took so long, it was triplets this time. Aren't they adorable? This is one is Calc, this is Tangent, this is Locust. I tell them apart by their chubby... widdo... fingos.. coochie coochie coochie! Oh. Oh, darn, I am so, so, so sorry. And here your ego just mentioned to me that thing about your repressed Electra complex and your fertility inadequacy issues. I hope you realize I didn't mean to insult or belittle you or anything by giving birth just now. I don't know what it is, but I just can't help having those babies!
Now where were we? Oh yes, Tina Fey. Now, just the other day Tina... umm... is everything all right? I mean, you have the strangest look in your subthalamus. Oh...! Oh, this. The bikini. Funniest thing. Turns out once I'm inside a liberal's head, It's like poof! Off with the clothes. I tell ya, it's gotten to the point that I really don't even notice it anymore. No, don't be embarrassed or ashamed, most of your friends don't even give me the bikini.
Whoa! Did you feel that? I think I felt a little earthquake! Oh -- I see. It was just you, banging your head against the stair banister trying to get me out of it. Trust me, you might as well give up on that, because it's not gonna work. Just ask Tina Fey. Say, what's this on your coffee table - a scrapbook? Goodness sakes, I love scrapbooking! It's so much fun isn't it? And such a wholesome pastime to keep American families connected. Do you mind if I take a look at yours?
Now that's different... I gotta say I don't think I've ever seen this many pictures of me in one place. And all of them with the eyes cut out! Now, maybe I never went to a fancypants college like you did, but I can tell that is very artsy and avant garde. I wonder what it means? No, no -- don't give me any hints! Is it some kind of latent pathological response to the struggle between your libidinal and destrudinal impulses?
Are you okay? You don't look so well. That's a good idea -- let's go out on the deck and get some fresh spring air. Boy, you sure have a lot of telescopes and binoculars and listening devices out here! Are you an amateur astronomer? Well then, you sure as heck picked a great spot. You can't beat Alaska for stargazing this time of year!
Well, I'll be darned -- did you know I can see all the way to Sarah Palin's house from your occipital?