Iowahawk Guest Commentary
by Professor Egon Klaus Nefarius
Chairman, Diabolic Racketeering and Crime Organization (D.R.A.C.O.)
Attention, people of the United States!
Did you really believe that you had forever destroyed my delicious dreams of global crime conquest? That I would somehow be thwarted by your feckless pretty-boy agents, with their tailored tuxedos and exasperating spy gadgetry? Ha! Your childlike naivety amuses me greatly. For I am the sinister Professor Nefarius -- and at long last I am ready to dish out your final comeuppance!
Mark your time, for today I unveil my ultimate criminal masterpiece: Operation Unstimulus! Over the past three months a clandestine force of D.R.A.C.O. henchmen have been busy at work in your capital city, secretly installing a vast network of my most exquisitely evil weapon yet -- the Pulsar Doom-Ray device. It was like child's play!
"The Pulsar Doom-Ray," you ask?
It is far too late for you to foil my plan this time, so I shall take sadistic pleasure in explaining it for your ridiculously undeveloped minds. Oh, what a machine it is; my beautiful, precocious, destructive brainchild, capable of wreaking mayhem on a scale far beyond the grasp of your puny imaginations. I spent nearly 20 years and untold billions of George Soros' grant money perfecting it, losing an eye and my left arm in the process. Some of my own D.R.A.C.O. hench-scientists thought me mad for pursuing this obsessive quest -- until I lowered them into my piranha tank for disloyalty. Shortsighted fools! Today my magnificent problem child is born, and unless you immediately accept my demands I will turn it loose to strike at the very brain center of your civilization: Washington DC!
No, the Pulsar Doom-Ray will not kill you -- immediately. Ah, if only you were that fortunate! Instead, my ingenious device will instantaneously fuse shut the doors of your precious Congress and regulatory agencies. One touch of this button, and I shall bring your entire federal apparatus to a grinding halt -- leaving you to suffer week upon week of Washingtonless agony!
Imagine now, if you dare, the fate that I may choose for you: first your vaunted health care bill will die, unreconciled, leaving you with a primitive 2009-level medical system. Trillions of dollars of your life-giving fiscal stimulus will go unspent, throwing tens of your countrymen out of work. Your 'Smart Diplomacy' peace partnership initiatives will go uncommunicated, resulting in discomfort and ill ease among the international community!
And this is just the beginning. The aftershocks will be no less painful, as the soothing transmissions of your public radio will fall silent. Diversity goals will remain unmeasured. Warning labels unmandated. Entire crops and cutting-edge artist communities will go unsubsidized. Cut off from your precious heroic public servants, you will be forced to helplessly fend for yourselves in the utter chaos of a dystopian unregulated hellscape where the living will envy the dead!
Do you think I am bluffing? Quite to the contrary. When I contemplate the deliciously exquisite torture that awaits you, it is all I can do to keep from pushing the button. Do not test my patience, for not even your beloved Internal Revenue Service will be spared my wrath!
Are you still not yet trembling? Perhaps this is because you have been lulled into a false sense of security by our previous encounters. True, your irritating Agent EPA9 penetrated my secret Arctic ice fortress and foiled my ingenious plot to flood the global market with an endless supply of $0.69 gasoline. And yes, he also detonated my Earth Orbiting Climate Destructo-Satellite, mere seconds before it would have raised your global winter temperatures by 2 degrees. No thanks to that turncoat D.R.A.C.O. femme fatale Lady Bidness!
But rest assured I have learned well from these previous failures, and have now surrounded myself with new loyal minions not so easily seduced or harpooned by your suave espionage bureaucrats. In fact, I have captured your pesky Agents EPA9 and OSHA4, who are now safely rotting away in a holding cell deep within my impenetrable undersea lair! If you have any hope of seeing them -- or the 2010 Supplemental Appropriations Bill -- again, you must agree to my non-negotiable demands:
- US $1 trillion in small unmarked bills.
- Add the likeness of me, Professor Nefarius, to Mount Rushmore.
- Greenlight my bio-pic project "Nefarius," starring Matt Damon.
- 2011 Oscars for me, Damon, and director James Cameron.
- A primetime hour series on MSNBC, with a guaranteed Olbermann lead-in.
This is your final warning! You have until 5:00 PM Galapagos time to respond before I push the button. Do not attempt to save your precious government through cheap heroics and emergency taxpaying, for there is no escape. Not even your celebrated national news media can save you -- for they too are now surrounded by Pulsar Doom-Ray devices! Bwahaha!
The choice is yours. Those who fail to comply will be dealt with harshly! Do exactly as I say, lest I order my bikini nympho assassin squad to hold you captive at my Caribbean video game prison resort. A few weeks of living on unhealthy beer and Mexican buffet will surely change your tune!