That's right, mister!
The Axis automotive powers have declared war on American motorists and our cherished union-made way of life. They've established secret assembly beach heads in so-called "right-to-work" occupied Vichy states like Alabama and Tennessee, manufacturing six sigma deathtrap jalopies with hillbilly slave dupes paid less than prevailing wages!
And now Hitler and Hirohito have opened up a second front in their crazed plan for world market share domination right here in America's auto malls. Don't let those whimsical inflatable gorillas and wind-whipped plastic pennants fool you: lurking behind every Toyota showroom lies a rat's nest of fifth columnist and Jap saboteurs scheming to get you behind the wheel of a Tokyo timebomb!
Don't let Tojo turn you into a unwitting freeway kamikaze for the "Divine Emperor"! At the U.S. Department of General Motors, our G-Men are working 'round the clock to stop Jap sneak attacks on America's publicly owned automotive industrial arsenal. But here on the home front, America's vehicular victory requires the vigilance of regular Joes and Janes like you. Together we can Shun the Huns and Nip the Nips, and send 'em packing their non-union Priuses back to Yokohama!
Here's how you can help: the next time you're shopping for a car, SUV, or truck, take a look at the lot sign. Does the brand name sound funny and foreign? Does it end in an vowel other than "e"? Is it a 2 or 3 letter acronym that isn't "GMC"? Check those car window stickers. Was the final assembly done in Dixie? Stay on your toes, Bub -- because you just stumbled on an Axis-made auto ammo dump!
Remain calm because you will soon be approached by an Axis spy dressed as a "salesman," who will try to entice you with wild promises of high MPG and resale values. Easy now... don't let on that you're wise to his treasonous two-fisted Toyota trickery. Act nonchalant, and request a test drive. When he hands you the keys, stomp that throttle and aim for the nearest telegraph pole! After the paramedics peel you out, immediately report this dangerous design defect to the Consumer Product Safety Commission and your nearest Michigan congressman.
Unfortunately, some otherwise good Americans have already been duped into buying one of Hirohito's heaps -- maybe even you. If there's a Jap junker in your garage, don't panic! Because you can still do your part. Think carefully: does that car...
- Suddenly accelerate?
- Inexplicably crash while you're texting?
- Fail to correctly steer itself on cruise control?
- Repeatedly trigger false-positive breathalyzer tests?
If you answered "no" to all of the above, stomp the throttle and aim for the nearest telegraph pole. Report all these incidents at once to your local Civil Union Defense board. You'll get a handsome certificate of appreciation from President Obama, and a $2000 rebate check good for any new patriotic GM or Chrysler car!
Come on, America -- let's all pitch in for the Jap Scrap Drive and win this thing for good ol' fashioned collective bargaining. Give our brave fightin' trial attorneys the lawsuit ammo they need to drop the Big One!
The sooner we bring 'em home the sooner we can take the fight to Ford!
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