Brigadier General Barack H. Obama
Supreme Allied Commander-in-Chief, Operation Minivan Pool
At ease, men.
As your battalion commanders and General Axelrod have already briefed you, you embark today on an important mission to the Af-Pak Theater. The success of this mission will not only insure the future of democracy and human civilization, but also my Gallup net favorable index. I have every confidence that you will succeed in this great educational field trip, because you represent the finest right-sized, nonviolent time killing force ever assembled.
Arrayed behind me are the mighty Minivans of Democracy that you will soon be loading. These are America's great 5-star crash rating arsenal of multilateral understanding. And as your supreme commander-in-chief, it is my great honor, privilege, and turn to serve as your pool driver, because Michelle has her Pilates class this afternoon. Now, as our rendezvous with destiny approaches, let me say that I am every bit as proud of you fine young soldiers and Marines as I am when I take Malia and Sasha to gymnastics. Okay, let's all pair up with a buddy and line up double file for the vans.
*While everyone is buckling their safety belts, I would like to take a few minutes to adjust the rear view mirror and remind you why you are going on this mission. As I have allegedly always said, Afghanistan is war of necessity. But as your supreme commander, I know that in planning wars and field trips we must never act rashly. Remember when Mr. Bush had that flat tire at Camp Iraq? That is why I solicited the advice of my top field commanders. I asked General McChrystal what he needed from me to show 110% commitment to mission success. He told me 40,000 battle ready troops.
By the way, who needs hand sanitizer? Anybody?
Anyhoo, after receiving General McChrystal's request, I carefully reviewed and focus tested it with some of the top military strategist of DailyKos and HuffingtonPost. As an alternative, they suggested sending a special force of 200 diversity-trained surrender consultants. After several months of careful deliberation, polling, and strategic golfing, I told the General I would provide him a force of 30,000, which is fully 75% of a 110% commitment.
Now let's think about that. When you multiply it out, that's... let's see... that's almost an 83% total commitment to mission success! And son, back at Harvard Law that's what we called a "solid B." Not only that, I also pledged to provide you with all the healthy snacks and juice boxes you will need until the designated 5:30 pickup time. As an extra bonus to help you out, I secured a commitment of 10,000 additional special troops from our European allies. In fact, I think I see one of them in the back seat -- there in the blue bicycle helmet. What's your name son?
Pierre? That's... okay... okay, Pierre, please stop crying. Yes, I promised Mr. Sarkozy you'll be home soon.
Now before we back out of the driveway, we must ask ourselves an important question: who hasn't gone to the bathroom? Raise your hands now, because we have a long drive ahead of us.
Nobody? Sure? Because man, after that third cup of coffee I'm thinking I better make a safety pee. I'll be right back, so no horseplay back there guys. And no picking on Pierre. Yes, I know about his smell.
Hey fellas, sorry that took so long, I realized I totally forgot to leave out food and water for the dog. Plus I had to block off the living room because, man, that Bo really likes to chew on the sofa when we're away. Where was I? Oh yeah, the mission planning thing.
Now, there are those who have criticized me for taking too much time to reach this decision. What these critics fail to recognize is that success requires benchmarks and a detailed road map. It's in the door pocket over there. If you pull that map out you will see that I have carefully highlighted all of the exit ramps along the way, in case we decide to turn back for whatever reason. The ones with McDonalds are in pink.
Lt. Colonel Williams, could you please take your helmet off? I really can't see out the back window.
And now, as we approach the turn lane for the Af-Pak freeway on-ramp, let me say that I... ah, dang it. Wouldn't you just know it? There's only 3/8 of a tank left. I guess we better stop and fill up at the Chevron Mart, you know how expensive those highway gas stations are.
Say, would one of you guys crack the window? While I'm filling up here, it's probably a good time for us to review our Afghan battlefield "dos and don'ts." As in any afternoon overseas contingency operation, the main thing to remember is "safety first." I don't want to have to call your parents and tell them you got hurt or killed on the trip. I mean, come on, how do you think that would make me look? The best way to keep that from happening is not to use your guns unless you really, really have to. If you run into some bullies with IEDs or RPGs, the best thing is to just ignore them and walk away. Bullies like that thrive on attention and martydom, so don't give them the satisfaction that they got under your skin enough for you to blow them up.
There we go, all filled up. Geez, 33 bucks for 12 gallons? Ow! Back in high school I could fill up my Datsun for 8. Well, as long as we're here, I might as well pull over to the air pump and check the tires. Did you know that properly inflated tires would save us millions of dollars in fuel costs?
Like I was saying, it's critical to remember our dos and don'ts. Remember, we're the visiting superpower so we have to show some extra good sportsmanship. I don't want to hear about you guys shooting anywhere there are women, or children, or civilians, or anywhere everybody isn't in an enemy uniform. I don't want my team labeled a bunch of spoiled war criminals. If you really really need to shoot someone, make sure you ask your chain of command to call me for permission first. And when the final whistle blows at 5 pm, I want you to go over and high five the other team for a good hard-fought war.
Don't you give me that look, Lt. Colonel. I'm still your Commander-in-Chief.
Look, I'm going to light up a smoke out here guys, it helps calm my nerves before a big drive. But listen, it's a filthy rotten bad habit, and I don't want you boys taking it up. Mrs. Obama would kill me if she knew I was doing this, so let's keep it our secret, okay?
Shit, I might as well have another cig as long as we're here.
Okay Major, if you're gonna start fidgeting and griping like that, maybe I'll send you to the back seat so you can sit next to Pierre. How'd you like that?
Yeah, I thought so.
Hey, look! Chevron Mart has a 99c special on Twizzlers. Be right back.
Okay, who wants Twizzlers? I got 6 bags, and some Orange Crush.
Now I want you boys to do your nation proud. No killing, no dying, and make sure you're at the car pool pickup shelter at 5:30 sharp so we can all get back home in time for my re-election campaign. I'll be right across the street at Starbucks negotiating a peace partnership with some of the moderate Taliban leaders, so I don't want to hear about any shenanigans.
So, as we make our final preparations to head for the on ramp, let us... hold on, it's my cell, gotta take this one.
Oprah! How are you?
It's Oprah Winfrey, guys! Can you believe it? Oprah Winfrey!
Oh, no Oprah! I didn't forget! I'll be at the studio at noon sharp. Uh huh. Me too. Ciao!
Look fellas, I completely forgot I have this Oprah Christmas Special thing, it's been in the works for months. Just can't get out of it, you know how it is. Anybody here have a driver's license?
Okay, Lt. Colonel. I'm trusting you with the keys to the Minivan and getting everybody there safe. But no drag racing, mister, this thing is still under warranty. Oprah is sending a limousine to get me out there after the show taping, and this van better be spotless.
So, as you brave me set off for battle, let me say...
Hey! hey! I told you no drag racing! The speed limit on the on ramp is 35!
You'll get a ticket from the UN!
Pierre, how come you're still here?