Filed In Triplicate

[Ed. note: many thanks to Charles Glasser for alerting me to this incredible business opportunity]

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THE UNITED STATES BUREAU OF JOLLITY AND HUMOR ADMINISTRATION
EVERETT DIRKSEN FEDERAL MERRIMENT CENTER
3000 JAMES EARL CARTER PARKWAY SOUTH
WASHINGTON, DC

FORM US/BJHA-1106(d) : AARA Budget Procurement Code LOL-431[ROFL]

APPLICATION FOR HUMOR CONSULTANT / CONTRACTOR

This space for official use

SYNOPSIS:

The purpose of this announcement is to seek qualified private contractors to provide amusement and humor-related services to career employees within a wide range of federal agencies, including but not limited to the Treasury Department, Department of Education, The US Census Bureau, and USDA Mohair Subsidization Board. Winning applicant(s) shall perform presentation program demonstrating mirth as defined herein and in BJHA document (k)670-110, "FY 2009 Federal Levity Handbook." In particular, guidelines specify services rendered by applicants shall be funny "ha-ha," not funny "peculiar." 

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE:

Recent studies have shown that appropriate levels of workplace humor and supervised jokery provides organizational benefits in areas of employee stress reduction, enhancement of communication flow, and greater regulatory throughput metrics (BHJA document C-11-k.101.t). Two year implementation of described program is forecast by analysis staff to reduce federal employee stress and random murder sprees by 14% over FY2009 benchmarks.

ADDENDUM: pursuant to EO guideline [6.09(vt)-5], explanation of solicitation of bids from outside contractor 

Understaffing; current Undersecretary for Mirth Training Affairs on administrative leave until completion of murder spree trial.

DATE(S) OF CONTRACT: 10-01-09 : 09-30-11

SOURCE(S) OF FUNDS: AARA section 351(t), National Humor Recover and Funnybone Stimulus Fund

INSTRUCTIONS TO APPLICANT

Read and fill out all sections as completely as possible. Write legibly in black ink or fixed width font not to exceed pica 10 pitch. Mail 3 (three) completed application to the BHJA, attn: Office of Jocularity Assessment.

SECTION I: APPLICANT INFORMATION

Name of applicant contractor:

_Iowahawk ImprovoMotivational Seminars Inc.___

Business Address:

__Iowahawk Enterprises Corporate Headquarters_
__Lot 7D, Lakewood Mobile Home_Court__________
__5200 West Highway 6_________________________
__Coralville, Iowa 52241 (beware of dog)______

Humor Services Administration Contractor Code No. ______

Number of humor employees (check one)

_x_ 1-10  ___ 11-50   ___ 51-100   ___ 101-500
___ 501-1000    ___ 1001-5000    ___ 5001-10,000
___10,001-25,000    ___ 25,001-100,000   ___ 100,001-102,335
___ 102,336 or more

Name/Title of Principle Contact:

__David R.Burge, Chief Motivational Officer__________

Humor-related accreditations, certifications, licenses

__9 time graduate Johnson County traffic court _____
comedy traffic school_______________________________
__4th Place, Chuckleberries Laff Barn Free Nacho____
Thursday Open Mic Competition_______________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________

The United States Government is an equal opportunity employer. Pursuant to the Civil Rights Act and the Americans With Disabilities Act, prospective contractors are encouraged to share certain demographic information about their employees. While not mandatory, these data are important in evaluating departmental performance against diversity goals and timetables.

Employee Information

Specify % of applicant workforce in the following categories.

ETHNICITY

__75%__ White / Non-Hispanic Origin
__0%___ African-American
__25%__ Hispanic, any race    Pedro is Mexican
__0%___ Native American / Aleut
__0%___ Asian / Pacific Islander

GENDER

__75%__ Male
__25%__ Female    Linda Mustaine

_12.5%_ (optional) Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgendered

Kyle came on to me this one time after we were doing Jager shots. He claims it was because it was dark and he was so drunk he thought I was one of the strippers, but I'm not sure I'm buying it, NTTATWWT, LOL!

DISABILITIES

_100%__ Workforce with disabilities

Pedro, Kyle and me have pretty bad drinking problems. So does Linda plus I'm pretty sure she's also insane. Also I think I may have some brain damage from a roofing accident last year.

Note: the American Comedy Worker Protection Act requires all prospective federal humor contractors to disclose their use of offshore suppliers.

Domestic Content Information

_15%_  Percent of jokes, quips, puns manufactured at non-domestic facilities 

If greater than 10%, list foreign humor subcontractors

__Risibility Outsourcing Systems of Bangalore_______
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
____________________________________________________

SECTION II: DESCRIPTION OF SERVICES

In the section below, please provide a brief description of the nature of the proposed humor program, along with specification of benefits in reference to goals of stress reduction, communications enablement, and enhanced productivity. Use additional sheets as necessary.

As one of the top improvisation troupes in the west Coralville area, I believe we can offer the government many comedy benefit motivations and synergistical business process capabilities, etc. The theme of our program is "Improve With Improv!" which is pretty self-explanatory. First we get all your workers in the room thinking they are going to a typical boring meeting. Next we darken all the lights to cause some temporary stress and confusion. Then POW! Kyle bursts through the doors like Rip Taylor with his confetti gun (it's actually my old 12 gauge, but we figured out how to pack shells with confetti and sequins from Party Barn). BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Then the lights come up and the your workers see confetti everywhere and this hilarious kinda gay guy mincing around in a clown suit, with a humorous sawed-off confetti gun, which sets a lighthearted atmosphere and lets the workers know that the "motivation party is just starting."

This is where I come in. The lights come up on the stage and I will be standing there in my tuxedo as the boom box announces me as the Master of Motivational Ceremonies. After the applause dies down I will start my Power Point to explain to your workers why they are now feeling so stress-free and relaxed, because this is the power of humor. I will show them the scientific medical pie charts that further explain why every humorous blast from "Fruity the Clown's" confetti gun lowers their resting pulse, which leads to greater focus and work related heathfulness. To further relax the mood, the boom box now begins playing "the Mexican Hat Dance" and in comes the wacky bandito "Dirty Sanchez" (played by Pedro) riding his "donkey" (don't worry about your carpets, it's just Linda and Kyle in a donkey suit). Dirty rides around the audience, shooting everybody in the mouth with his lifelike AK-47 tequila squirt cannon. As your employees happily lap up the delicious stress-reducing tequila, I will explain to them why Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Resort is known as the happiest workplace on earth.

While the tequila works its magic, my troupe will remove their various clown and donkey and Mexican costumes for the serious educational business part of the program. Each of us will explain how we have personally benefited career wise from humor. Linda will explain how her previous job as a loan officer at First Coralville Mortgage led to stress-related weight gain. She will then explain that while she is still fat, being fired and getting a new job as a professional comedy consultant has made her more cool and less stressed about it, because being a lardass is a big plus for comedy gals. Then Kyle and I will explain that workplace comedy should always be appropriate, and never mean-spirited or humiliating. This will be illustrated with a recent example from the roofing business, when a series of gay jokes and teasing caused Kyle to shoot me in the head with a nail gun.  Finally, Pedro will translate these examples in Mexican for your Mexican employees, because "se habla Espanol."

By this time your employees will be pretty "loosened up" stress-wise and tequila-wise, we will begin the employee participation part of the program. This will center on improvisational humor skits performed by your employees with humor facilitation from me and my professional staff. We will throw out wacky government work situations and props, encouraging your employees to show their comedy "chops" for fellow workers. For example, we could give them the setting "DMV office," the characters "rude complainy citizen" and "unappreciated DMV worker" who is then given a comical prop "bang" pistol. Then we sit back and enjoy the spontaneous fun watching where the comedy situation leads. Other examples might involve "Stupid political appointee supervisor," "overworked career staffer," and "rubber machete." Through this kind of role-play and improv, your workers will build communication skills, team morale, and a lasting humor-focused work environment.

SECTION III: HUMOR COMPLIANCE ASSESSMENT TEST

The various agencies of the United States federal government maintain a professional business environment. As such, prospective humor contractors are expected to refrain from foul language and any material deemed gross, denigrating, scatological, or sexual/ribald/pornographic in nature. In addition, contractor humor must never be based on race, national origin, disability, immigration status, religion, gender, or sexual orientation. Contractors will also refrain from humor related to state heritage, neck color, daughters of farmers or other agricultural workers, or animals covered under the Endangered Species Act.

In order to test for compliance with these standards, the Bureau of Jollity and Humor Administration requires all applicants to provide three humor examples demonstrating your ability to produce humor meeting best demonstrated Agency practices. Please be brief.

HCAT Example 1

Q: Why did the American citizen cross the road?  A: To receive helpful, non-sexually-related program assistance from a profession career service employee of the United States government. 

HCAT Example 2

Q: How many American citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: I will promptly forward your information request to appropriate officials within the Occupational Safety and Health Administration and return your answer within five (5) business days.

HCAT Example 3

A person from a country, a person of a religious persuasion, and a member of a non-endangered animal species walk into a bar. The bartender says to the animal, "hay, we don't get many of your kind in here." After  reporting the incident to appropriate civil rights agencies, the bar's liquor license was revoked.

HCAT evaluator:
staple remarks
on this margin

SECTION IV: APPLICANT BID INFORMATION

Total cost of proposed humor services specified by applicant above and herein:

 $4,000,014,325.89

Breakdown of cost:

_$4,000,000,000.00__ Salaries and consultant fees 
_       $ 8,500,00__ Travel, Entertainment, Lodging  First class, baby
__      $   899.95__ Computers / IT
__      $ 4,925.94__ Other (specify)

Tequila, confetti, tuxedo, sombrero, guns, clown and donkey constumes

Other notes on bid pricing (quantity discounts, etc.)

If any competitor comes in lower we will beat that price by $20.

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