[Ed. note: many thanks to Charles Glasser for alerting me to this incredible business opportunity]
THE UNITED STATES BUREAU OF JOLLITY AND HUMOR ADMINISTRATION
EVERETT DIRKSEN FEDERAL MERRIMENT CENTER
3000 JAMES EARL CARTER PARKWAY SOUTH
APPLICATION FOR HUMOR CONSULTANT / CONTRACTOR
The purpose of this announcement is to seek qualified private contractors to provide amusement and humor-related services to career employees within a wide range of federal agencies, including but not limited to the Treasury Department, Department of Education, The US Census Bureau, and USDA Mohair Subsidization Board. Winning applicant(s) shall perform presentation program demonstrating mirth as defined herein and in BJHA document (k)670-110, "FY 2009 Federal Levity Handbook." In particular, guidelines specify services rendered by applicants shall be funny "ha-ha," not funny "peculiar."
STATEMENT OF PURPOSE:
Recent studies have shown that appropriate levels of workplace humor and supervised jokery provides organizational benefits in areas of employee stress reduction, enhancement of communication flow, and greater regulatory throughput metrics (BHJA document C-11-k.101.t). Two year implementation of described program is forecast by analysis staff to reduce federal employee stress and random murder sprees by 14% over FY2009 benchmarks.
ADDENDUM: pursuant to EO guideline [6.09(vt)-5], explanation of solicitation of bids from outside contractor
Understaffing; current Undersecretary for Mirth Training Affairs on administrative leave until completion of murder spree trial.
DATE(S) OF CONTRACT: 10-01-09 : 09-30-11
SOURCE(S) OF FUNDS: AARA section 351(t), National Humor Recover and Funnybone Stimulus Fund
INSTRUCTIONS TO APPLICANT
Read and fill out all sections as completely as possible. Write legibly in black ink or fixed width font not to exceed pica 10 pitch. Mail 3 (three) completed application to the BHJA, attn: Office of Jocularity Assessment.
SECTION I: APPLICANT INFORMATION
Name of applicant contractor:
__Lot 7D, Lakewood Mobile Home_Court__________
__5200 West Highway 6_________________________
__Coralville, Iowa 52241 (beware of dog)______
Humor Services Administration Contractor Code No. ______
Number of humor employees (check one)
_x_ 1-10 ___ 11-50 ___ 51-100 ___ 101-500
___ 501-1000 ___ 1001-5000 ___ 5001-10,000
___10,001-25,000 ___ 25,001-100,000 ___ 100,001-102,335
___ 102,336 or more
Name/Title of Principle Contact:
__David R.Burge, Chief Motivational Officer__________
Humor-related accreditations, certifications, licenses
__9 time graduate Johnson County traffic court _____
comedy traffic school_______________________________
__4th Place, Chuckleberries Laff Barn Free Nacho____
Thursday Open Mic Competition_______________________
The United States Government is an equal opportunity employer. Pursuant to the Civil Rights Act and the Americans With Disabilities Act, prospective contractors are encouraged to share certain demographic information about their employees. While not mandatory, these data are important in evaluating departmental performance against diversity goals and timetables.
Specify % of applicant workforce in the following categories.
__25%__ Hispanic, any race Pedro is Mexican
__0%___ Native American / Aleut
__0%___ Asian / Pacific Islander
__25%__ Female Linda Mustaine
_12.5%_ (optional) Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual/Transgendered
Kyle came on to me this one time after we were doing Jager shots. He claims it was because it was dark and he was so drunk he thought I was one of the strippers, but I'm not sure I'm buying it, NTTATWWT, LOL!
Note: the American Comedy Worker Protection Act requires all prospective federal humor contractors to disclose their use of offshore suppliers.
Domestic Content Information
_15%_ Percent of jokes, quips, puns manufactured at non-domestic facilities
If greater than 10%, list foreign humor subcontractors
__Risibility Outsourcing Systems of Bangalore_______
SECTION II: DESCRIPTION OF SERVICES
This is where I come in. The lights come up on the stage and I will be standing there in my tuxedo as the boom box announces me as the Master of Motivational Ceremonies. After the applause dies down I will start my Power Point to explain to your workers why they are now feeling so stress-free and relaxed, because this is the power of humor. I will show them the scientific medical pie charts that further explain why every humorous blast from "Fruity the Clown's" confetti gun lowers their resting pulse, which leads to greater focus and work related heathfulness. To further relax the mood, the boom box now begins playing "the Mexican Hat Dance" and in comes the wacky bandito "Dirty Sanchez" (played by Pedro) riding his "donkey" (don't worry about your carpets, it's just Linda and Kyle in a donkey suit). Dirty rides around the audience, shooting everybody in the mouth with his lifelike AK-47 tequila squirt cannon. As your employees happily lap up the delicious stress-reducing tequila, I will explain to them why Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Resort is known as the happiest workplace on earth.
While the tequila works its magic, my troupe will remove their various clown and donkey and Mexican costumes for the serious educational business part of the program. Each of us will explain how we have personally benefited career wise from humor. Linda will explain how her previous job as a loan officer at First Coralville Mortgage led to stress-related weight gain. She will then explain that while she is still fat, being fired and getting a new job as a professional comedy consultant has made her more cool and less stressed about it, because being a lardass is a big plus for comedy gals. Then Kyle and I will explain that workplace comedy should always be appropriate, and never mean-spirited or humiliating. This will be illustrated with a recent example from the roofing business, when a series of gay jokes and teasing caused Kyle to shoot me in the head with a nail gun. Finally, Pedro will translate these examples in Mexican for your Mexican employees, because "se habla Espanol."
By this time your employees will be pretty "loosened up" stress-wise and tequila-wise, we will begin the employee participation part of the program. This will center on improvisational humor skits performed by your employees with humor facilitation from me and my professional staff. We will throw out wacky government work situations and props, encouraging your employees to show their comedy "chops" for fellow workers. For example, we could give them the setting "DMV office," the characters "rude complainy citizen" and "unappreciated DMV worker" who is then given a comical prop "bang" pistol. Then we sit back and enjoy the spontaneous fun watching where the comedy situation leads. Other examples might involve "Stupid political appointee supervisor," "overworked career staffer," and "rubber machete." Through this kind of role-play and improv, your workers will build communication skills, team morale, and a lasting humor-focused work environment.
SECTION III: HUMOR COMPLIANCE ASSESSMENT TEST
In order to test for compliance with these standards, the Bureau of Jollity and Humor Administration requires all applicants to provide three humor examples demonstrating your ability to produce humor meeting best demonstrated Agency practices. Please be brief.
HCAT Example 1
HCAT Example 2
HCAT Example 3
on this margin
SECTION IV: APPLICANT BID INFORMATION
Total cost of proposed humor services specified by applicant above and herein:
Breakdown of cost:
_ $ 8,500,00__ Travel, Entertainment, Lodging First class, baby
__ $ 899.95__ Computers / IT
__ $ 4,925.94__ Other (specify)
Other notes on bid pricing (quantity discounts, etc.)
If any competitor comes in lower we will beat that price by $20.
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