To Whom It May Concern:
In recent weeks I have stated that I was never briefed, nor had any prior knowledge of, the use of so-called "enhanced interrogation techniques" on detainees by U.S. interrogators. Today, the Central Intelligence Agency released documents indicating they had briefed me on the use of these techniques in September 2002. Having no personal recollection of this meeting, I directed my clerical staff to retrieve meeting notes for the date in question.
After a thorough review of these notes, it appears I was unaware this meeting was with the Central Intelligence Agency. Instead I was under the impression that it was a coffee chat with Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, an important constituent group from my home district. In their description of waterboarding, fuzzy caterpillars, etc., I simply assumed they were speaking of new Castro District trends in sexual foreplay. Had I known the real truth -- that they were describing the grim tools of a sadistic torture regime beyond the worst imaginings of Mengele himself -- I would have vigorously objected, and would have never cheerfully told my briefers, "play safely!"
I am sorry for any confusion my earlier statements might have caused, and I hope this clarification puts the matter to rest. For future reference, please direct inquiries regarding torture issues within the California 8th District B&D community to my outreach coordinator Julian Julian Julian. All other torture-related issues should be directed to my National Security and Drag Queen Affairs Advisor, Lady Marmalade.
Speaker of the House of Representatives