Theme / opening credits
Mary Hamsher Moore traipses whimsically through the streets of Washington with her macrame hat and bullhorn
Who can turn your stomach with her bile?
Who can hit a bullhorn switch, and suddenly bitch with a chipmunk smile?
Well it's you girl and you should know it,
With each fire and every little dog lake you show it.
Hate is all around, no need to brew it,
It's puffing up your cheeks, why don't you chew it?
You're gonna spew it af-ter all,
You're gonna spew it af-ter all (doo-doo doo doo.... DOOT!)
Mary throws bullhorn into air, freeze frame
Scene I: Inside the studios of Nutroots 13 MediaMattersActionCastNewsCenter
MANAGING EDITOR LOU SOROS (on intercom): Mary! Mary Hamsher! My office, now.
MARY (entering office warily): YOU WANTED TO SEE ME MR. SOROS?
LOU: Put down the damn bullhorn! I can hear you, for crissakes!
MARY: I ... I'm sorry Mr. Soros.
LOU: Whatever. Say Mary... you're all over that internet thing. What do you know about these Tea Party protests?
MARY: I don't know. I guess it's just a bunch of retarded wingnuts whining or something. I don't think they're anything worth worrying about.
LOU: Nothing worth worrying about? There are 300 of those stupid protests scheduled for Tuesday! If they end up screwing up the next stimulus bill, I'm never going to short the currency markets. I need you to get to the bottom of this.
MARY: Bottom of it?
LOU: Come on Mary, don't be naive. We both know the money and professional staff and layers of front organizations it takes to build an authentic grassroots movement. Geez, just look at the good cash I've wasted on this dump. There's just gotta be some sort of conspiracy going on behind that Tea Party crap... like...
MARY: ... like Fox News?
LOU: Now you're thinking! I need you to get out there and spread that meme, and start up some counter protests.
MARY: ... But why me?
LOU: Because you have those chipmunk cheeks. And because you got spunk.
MARY: Thank you Mr. Soros...
LOU: I hate spunk!
MARY: uh...
LOU: But you also have that bullhorn. Now get out there and produce!
MARY: Shouldn't this be a job for the anchorman?
LOU: You mean Ted? (on intercom) Ted! Get in here.
TED OLBERMANN: You wanted to see me Big Lou? Oh, hi Mar. I hope this is important, because you just interrupted my rehearsal for tonight's Countdown. Yes, I may be the new Edward R. Murrow, but it all started at a humble 50,000 watt basic cable sports network in Bristol, Connecticut...
LOU (on intercom): Murray!
HEAD WRITER MURRAY EMANUEL: Yes Lou?
LOU: Take Ted back to rehearsals, and make sure he gets his meds. And for God's sake, get him a new blazer that isn't plaid! (to Mary) Now do you see what I mean?
MARY: Okay, sir, but do you think I might get something out of this?
LOU: Like what?
MARY: Like some extra advertising revenue for my blog?
LOU (glaring):
MARY (warbling): Oh-h-h-hh Mi-st-er So-ros!
LOU: Stop crying! I hate crying! You can have the revenue split on this ad.
Commercial Break 1
GIRL #1: nice try, Instaputz.
GIRL #2: Wingnuts are teh stupid!
ANNCR: Hey girls! Tired of boring tea parties? Now you can be a bitter middle aged Hollywood blog activist just like Malibu Jane and friends-- with the Firedoglake action set! Dress up for a gala night at Laurie David's EDF fundraiser in your beautiful pink Prius...
GIRL #1: Save the Earth!
GIRL #2: It's pretty!
ANNCR: ...or jet off to Sundance to meet Princess Arianna for a political strategy playdate! Malibu Jane and friends come with hundreds of accessories like blog laptop, Botox, and forgotten 1991 film credits! Plus hot flashes and pull-n-play bullhorn with real snarky gravitas action!
MALIBU JANE: Faux News sucks.
GIRL #1: Yay! I'm back on the A-list!
ANNCR: And don't forget the Firedoglake hipster eunuch set -- with Ken, Alex, Ezra and Josh!
KEN: I loved your last post, Jane. May I link it?
ANNCR: Malibu Jane and friends, from Sorosco. Batteries sold separately.
Scene 2: On the National Mall
Mary is leading a massive national anti-anti-tax rally of six protesters
MARY (into bullhorn): One two three four, America needs a New Way For. Ward.
PROTESTERS: One two three four, America needs a New Way For. Ward.
MARY(into bullhorn): Nine ten six five, Tea Baggers are just a bunch of phony populist Faux News wingnuts who are pissed off because they're not the ones stealing.
PROTESTERS: Nine, seven... thirteen....
MARY (clapping): Come on everybody, that's the spirit! Take one of these preprinted picket signs and official chant sheet. I printed off 20,000 so there should be enough for everyone. Hey, where are you going?
KID PROTESTER: This protest blows. You said there would be free XBox 360s, not these lame Gameboys. Come on mom, I want to go home.
MOTHER PROTESTER: I'm sorry Mary, I know I said we'd stay until the cameras showed up, but it's cold and you know how fidgety kids get.
KID PROTESTER 2: Mommy, the funny-tooth loud lady is scary.
RHODA MADOW (holding bullhorn battery): Do something Mary! You're losing them!
MARY: Wait! Wait! Please, don't leave! This is real grassroots activism in action! Come on, we can't let the Tea Baggers out-organize us!
PROTESTER 1: Tea Baggers? Lady, we're getting drowned out by the friggin' UFO protesters.
UFO PROTESTER 1: One two three four! Stop the intergalactic war!
UFO PROTESTER 2: No tinfoil, no peace!
MARY (turning up the bullhorn): Please, everyone! Look, I know you're a little disappointed by the turnout. But that just shows how dangerous Fox News is. Right now there are millions of your fellow protesters being held in illegal Fox News prisons for daring to speak out! We have to stay together in solidarity for them!
SOUND F/X: screeeee-kkxrssszzzll-- zooooooop
RHODA MADOW: Oh crap, the bullhorn shorted out! Mary, we have to go to plan B!
MARY (yelling louder into broken bullhorn): Fox can jail our compatriots. They can sabotage our bullhorns. They can force David Geffen not to return my calls. But they can't stop the truth! At this very moment we are going to drop press kits that reveal the real conspiracy behind the Tea Bagger movement!
sound of helicopter, as protesters look up warily. Cut to cockpit of chopper
MURRAY EMANUEL: Can you get any lower?
HELICOPTER PILOT: No dice, FAA regulations.
MURRAY EMANUEL: Okay, then, orders are orders. Drop the payload.
cut back to ground; Ted Olbermann stands with microphone and trenchcoat
TED: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your reporter Ted Olbermann on the scene of a massive, organic protest by hundreds of thousands of ordinary Americans on the Washington Mall, raising their voices as one against the blatant astroturfing of the so-called 'Tea Bag protests... obviously engineered by Rush Limbaugh, Richard Mellon Scaiff and Sun Yung-Moon. As I speak, the crowd eagerly awaits an airdrop of talking points from a lone brave helicopter that has broken through Fox News' anti-aircraft fire. And here come the press kits, and they... what's this? Oh, the humanity! The press kits are hitting the ground... and the protesters... like wet bags of cement! Oh, this is terrible! The UFO protesters' tinfoil is useless against the onslaught! And... oh, my God... some poor woman is laying dazed in a crumpled pile of macrame, with a broken bullhorn at her side! What sort of demented Fox News sabotage is to blame for this disaster? Damn you, Bill O'Reilly! You, sir, are the Worst Person In The World!
Scene 4: Back at the Studio
Mary and Ted are standing in front of Lou's desk, battered and disheveled
LOU: I just signed a $10,000 check for helicopter rental. And $100,000 to the National Park Service for clean up. Now I want somebody... anybody... to tell me what just happened.
MARY: As God as my witness, Lou... I thought those talking points could fly.
Roll Credits
