Every new day seems to offer a fresh assload of ideas for saving the U.S. automotive industry, most of which are proposed by law professors and involve -- shockingly -- the mass hiring of law professors. Soon after the election, for example, former law professor Barack Obama first floated another law professor as his "Car Czar" ( although he ended up settling on the only thing arguably more useless in a car emergency: a Benz-driving financier with a journalism degree). Today, law professor Professor Bainbridge proposes his own bold plan for rescuing General Motors: appointing law professor Hugh Hewitt to the GM Board. This brainstorm was quickly endorsed by law professor Glenn Reynolds.
With all due respect, WTF? I mean, sure, Hewitt is pleasant enough on the radio, and we all loved him in Christmas Story. But when it comes to naming a savior for the American car biz, I think we can do better. And by "we," I of course mean "me." And so, today, I would like to nominate Yours Truly as Grand Exalted Poobah for National Automotive Strategy.
I know what you're saying: "hey Dave, didn't you recently crap out in your attempts at the White House and the Illinois Senate?" Okay, if you want to get technical about it, but now we're finally talking about a government job I'm vaguely qualified for. And if I can lower my expectations, shouldn't you? Just look at what I bring to the table:
- I am not a law professor.
- Unlike nearly every other moron giving advice to Detroit, I actually know how to build a car.
As such, I realize the industry is not suffering from a lack of law professors -- it is suffering from a lack of imagination. They gave us cup holders and electric seat warmers when we wanted angel fur and bubble tops. They pushed micro-clown cars and hybrids when the market was rife for chromed 8-deuce Chrysler Hemis. Well, Bucko, all that outmoded thinking is going to end during the reign of Czar Dave. Saving the American auto industry is going to be a big job, but I won't be doing it alone. I have already appointed my own shadow Council of Automotive Advisors, a select group of successful auto manufacturers whose qualifications appear after the jump. Many are close personal friends of mine, and I can attest to their patriotism, integrity, ingenuity, and wonderful lack of law degrees.
So stop despairing about the fate of the American car business, and do something about it. Write President Obama and your congressman today and demand my immediate, permanent appointment, along with unlimited regulatory powers and expense account. Together we can save Detroit -- and if you act now, I'll get you tickets for the 2009 Washington Mall Summernationals!
Aaron Grote, Cerro Gordo, Illinois
This corn country clodhopper knows four things: (1) fertilizer, (2) beer, (3) hair metal, and (4) bending tin. Lessee how well the Camry sells when his Atomic Punk hits America's showrooms.
Alex Gambino, San Jose, California
Hardest working man in customizing, and with a name like Gambino he'll make you an offer you can't refuse. Like this sweeeet Starliner Ford for Kirk Jones.
Bill Bierman, St. Louis, Missouri
How many times have you said to yourself, "if only GM offered a pink flaked, green flamed pickup with an 8 duece blown Hemi, refridgerated full keg with console mounted beer tap, rifle rack with matching pink machine gun, and angel fur cab full of Playboy models"? Behold Bill's "Freakshow."
Bill Hines, Garden Grove, California
Bill Hines has been customizing cars for over 70 of his 87 years, breathing in a constant stream of lead fumes and cigar smoke while churning out classics like the 59 Chevy "Buddha Wagon." I will also appoint him head of my worker health task force.
Bobby Green, Burbank, California
I've written plenty about my old buddy Bobby and his Old Crow lakester here before including their epic, record setting 2007 turn at Bonneville. Since then Bobby has added 2 more SCTA salt flat records and another jewel to his LA saloon empire - Stinker's Truck Stop on the Sunset Strip. Drop in and have a push-button Coors!
Brian Bass, Dallas, Texas
When it comes to basic transportation for the working man, Bass kicks ass.
Cole Foster, Salinas, California
Best Hair in America, and endorsed by Kirk Hammet of Metallica who had Cole put together this tasty '36 Ford Coupe for him.
Darryl Starbird, Tulsa, Oklahoma
King of the 60's Midwest kustomizers, and the only car builder mentioned by name in American Graffiti:
TERRY: This is a superfine machine! This may even be better than Daryl Starbird's Superfleck Moonbird!
Starbird's masterpiece: the Predicta.
Dave "Littleman" Lohr, Mentor, OH
You might recognize Littleman from the Discovery series "Hard Shine". Here's his no-frills grocery-getter "Death's Doorstep."
Dave Shuten, Grand Rapids, Michigan
Along with Fritz Schenck and Mark Moriarity, heir to the Ed "Big Daddy Roth" legacy. Davey recently resurrected Roth's long-lost Orbitron, which will be on display at the Pebble Beach Concourse d'Elegance this summer. Previously he did an exact clone of Roth's destroyed Mysterion, and his original design of the "Astro Sled."
Dean Jeffries, Hollywood CA
Maker of some of the most memorable movie and TV cars of all time (like the Monkeemobile), Jeffries was ahead of the curve on aerodynamics. Note the wind-slicing, chick-catching curves of his Manta Ray.
Drew Didio, Sycamore, Illinois
Drew's Suicide Axle Hot Rod shop is one of the most innovative recycling operations around. How about a straight 8 Olds flathead in Model T roadster, with a meat cleaver shifter and tin Jello mold radiator cap (signed by Bill Cosby, natch)? Plus Drew is my brother from another mother, with whom I teamed to build the Coupe of Justice.
Fritz Schenck, North Bellmore, NY, Kansas City MO
Another Rothologist who restored the Druid Princess, Fritz executed his own Rothian "Roswell Rod." He is currently hard at work sipping Martinis while restoring Roth's "Mega Cycle" motorcycle hauler (a/k/a "Captain Pepi's Motorcycle and Zeppelin Repair").
Gale Banks, Azuza, California
I've written at length about my pal Banks, the Automotive X Prize jurist who continues to collect world speed records like bottle tops. 2008 marks his 50th year in the car building game, earning him hall of fame honors and a special retrospective exhibit in the NHRA museum. My fave Banks hooptie: the Banks-Teague streamliner, which scorched Bonneville at over 400 mph.
Gary Howard, Georgetown, Texas
Confectioner of the tastiest automotive eye candy in America. This is Jimmy Vaughn's "Ironic Twist" '61 Coupe de Ville.
Gary "Chopit" Fioto, Hicksville, New York
Need room for 4, but are tired of the same old beige Japanese sedans? Imagine showing up at the PTA meeting in Chopit's "Beatnik."
Gene Winfield, Mojave, California
63 years ago Winfield returned home from the Navy, started building hot rods, and has never stopped. Along the way he invented the Winfield fade and some insanely cool designs, like the Reactor (you may remember it from an episode of "Bewitched")
Hugh Whited, East Bend, North Carolina
In the finest tradition of Thomas Jefferson, my friend Hugh is a farmer, intellectual, and inventor, who has logged nearly a million miles in his crude oil powered pickup. Back in the 60s, Hugh helped put together the greatest street car of all time: Zach Reynolds' epic 'Tobacco King' Galaxie, featuring 1400+ horses of Turbonique rocket assisted awesome, which I had the terrifying honor to drive last year.
Joe and Jason Kennedy, Pomona CA
Forget the ones from Hyannisport, these Kennedy brothers crank out some of the finest rods in America (and have yet to drive any off a bridge).
Jesse James, Long Beach CA
Tomorrow's military will need innovative vehicles. Like this wheelie-poppin' Hummer built by my erstwhile employer (with an assist from an Army motor pool unit in Iraq).
John D'Agostino, Discovery Bay, California
If the domestic car companies want to recapture the luxury market, they should take a few tips from NorCal's kustom king.
John Joyo / Sean Johnstun / Bob "Bleed" Merkt, Austin, Texas
Quality is Job One for the Austin Speedshop crew, like this Merc for shop co-owner Jesse James.
Keith Tardel, California Wine Country
Want efficiency? Keith squeezed 180 mph out of an ancient Ford flathead for the Bonneville XF/BFMR record. He had a good teacher.
Kevin Tulley, Addison, Illinois
This patriotic Air Force vet knows how to make things scoot under Mopar power -- like this, the Tangerine Scream..
Ky "Rocketman" Michaelson, Minneapolis MN
For truly out-of-the-box transportation thinking, it's impossible to top this legendary stuntman / machinist / inventor / racer, whom I had the pleasure of profiling in Garage Magazine #15. Ky's specialty is peroxide rockets, which he used to built the world's fastest drag car (sub-4 second quarter mile @ 400+ mph in 1977, a record that still stands), the first civilian rocket into space, and an assortment of rocket powered gizmos like jet packs for his wife and 10-year old son. Here's Ky's innovative hybid moped -- when you're tired of pedalling, hit the switch and let the rockets take over.
Lee Pratt, Los Angeles California
Des Moines native Lee has been a customizing legend for over 35 years for his swank lowrider-influenced automotive sculptures. In the 90s his moved to LA to become a fine art sculptor, but can still crank out the amazing iron like this '58 Impala.
Mark Moriarity, Mound, Minnesota
Recent customizing Hall of Fame inductee Moriarity has restored or cloned a number of Roth vehicles, including the Outlaw, and recently finished the restoration of Bill Cushenberry's Car Craft Dream Rod. He's also the man responsible for the Roth homage "Futurian."
"Mercury Charlie" Runnels, Austin, Texas
Maker of "Nadine," the finest Merc lead sled since the age of Sam Barris, seen here attracting some winsome Texas lasses.
Michael Leeds / Randy Grubb, Grants Pass, Oregon
The Blastolene Brothers go where others fear to tread, building Titanic-scale cars powered by Olympus-scale motors (they were the original builders of the Jay Leno tank car). Their latest effort: the Delahaye-influenced B-702, powered by a vintage 702 cubic inch V-12 GMC semi motor.
Norman Grabowski, Harrison, Arkansas
In assembling my cabinet of automotive advisors, I thought it would be wise to include a progressive thinker. An actor and artist, perhaps, one who was a strict vegan. Naturally I thought of Norm Grabowski, celebrated hot rod builder and long-time TV & film character actor. Norm's "Kookie T" starred in 77 Sunset Strip and earned him a Life Magazine cover. Norm's innovation continues today at the El Polacko Garage, where his latest creation is the "Boogie 'Til You Puke" party truck, in which I have proudly ridden.
Red's, Miami, Florida
As a powerful official in Washington DC, I will need a discreet, tasteful town car to shuttle me between important meetings and Congressional testimony. That's where Red's comes in.
Tim Conder, Boyes Hot Springs, CA
My Garage Magazine colleague Conder is a lunatic, but he has enough sense to put a dragster engine where it belongs: up front, where God intended it.
Tom Daniel, Las Vegas NV
Hero to every pre-teen glue sniffer from 1968-1978, TD designed over 80 plastic model kits for Monogram, including the Red Baron, the Beer Wagon, the Garbage Truck and the Zinger series. Several of his designs became full-scale creations, like Ed Roth's Druid Princess and the immortal Munster Koach for George Barris.
Von Franco, Austin, Texas
When he's not slinging artwork, Franco spends his time restoring and recreating some of the best rods of all time - like Norm Grabowski's Lightning Bug. Here's the MFS video story -- "The Car that Ate My Brain."
