ed. note - newspapers remain your best schadenfreude value! To celebrate the latest circulation figures (and because I'm lazy) here's an old bit I disinterred from the May 2007 archives.
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Dear Subscriber:
According to our records, your 1957 subscription to The Claxon is scheduled to expire soon. Please don't let this happen! $2 per month will buy you the Quint-State area's leading newspaper, delivered each morning by one of our cheerful Junior Claxoneer news lads -- like 12-year old Claxon Carrier of the Year Skip Olbermaier! Each issue is packed with items of interest around our community - like:
- Goings-on at City Hall, including the controversial $0.0032 sales tax plan!
- Publisher Felton Beswick Jr. keeps you up-to-date on the Red Menace!
- The latest Capitol dispatches from our Washington DC cub reporter Bob Smalls!
- Friendly sportscribe Jocko Culligan follows the Quints on another pennant run, and the QSU Scalpin' Injuns all the way to the Petunia Bowl!
- "Kiddie capers" with adorable 7-year old Beswick twins Eileen and Feltie!
- Complete TV listings for both channels!
- Household cleaning tips for the ladies from beloved Beswick Manor maid Ol' Aunt Mammie!
- Full color Sunday comics featuring Lil' Chester, Swirley, and Buzz Galvin All-American!
Plus the latest market quotes for stocks, and crop forecasts for local turnip farmers. Just try to get that coverage from so-called "television news"! And if you order now, we'll include free daily delivery of the Evening Ledger. Don't delay, renew today!
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Dear Subscriber:
Our records show that your subscription to The Claxon-Ledger is about to expire. 1967 promises to be a year full of Quint State Area news, and under the leadership of new Publisher Felton Beswick III the award-winning Claxon-Ledger will keep you informed! Unlike TV, we will give you the stories behind the stories, with hard-hitting journalism like:
- How the Quint State area plans to rebuild in the wake of the race riots sparked by the Mammie Jackson murder!
- Why new clues suggest Mammie was killed by communist Negro LSD agitators who infiltrated Beswick Manor!
- "Hippies - can they happen here?" An interview with QSU Radical Maoist League Pledge Chairman Skip Olbermaier!
- Feltie Beswick leads the Quint State's popular Anti-Dope Teencrusaders to San Francisco!
- Washington Insider Bob Smalls tells you why LBJ looks unbeatable in '68!
- coverage of the big "Support Our Vietnam Troops" rally at Quints Field!
- Jocko Culligan handicaps the ponies at Quint State Downs!
- Newly elected Turnip Growers president Earl Yardley says things are looking up for America's third-favorite root vegetable!
- All the latest on the local social scene from our "gossip gal" Kitty Cooper, including Lake Pointe Woods Deb of the Year Eileen Beswick!
Plus horoscopes, easy to read classifieds, community coupons and much much more -- all for the low monthly price of $4! Send in your renewal now!
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Dear Subscriber:
As you know last year was a trying time for the Claxon-Ledger, but thanks to the new 1977 collective bargaining agreement between Felton Beswick III and the Almagamated News Lads Union, those troubles are hopefully a thing of the past. We apologize to any subscribers who may have missed our Bicentennial coverage or had a house burned down by a rogue carrier in the confusion, and hope it won't keep you from renewing your subscription. For the bargain price of $10 per month you can enjoy home delivery of award-winning journalists like reporter Skip Olbermaier whose daring exposés helped end the Vietnam nightmare and put Nixon's Assistant Undersecretary of Agriculture for Turnip Affairs Earl Yardley behind bars. Just look at our some of our coverage!
- Washington Bureau Chief Bob Smalls interviews new 'First Brother' Billy Carter and explains how "Peanut Power" will get you and America back on your feet!
- 5 years later, why the Kitty Cooper murder case still baffles local police!
- Columnist Skip Olbermaier travels to newly liberated Cambodia and finds out what makes dynamic leader Pol Pot so popular!
- In Sports, read about the mess behind the "CB Radio Demolition Night" disaster at Quints Field, and play the Quint State Downs ponies with Jocko Culligan's uncanny horse picks!
- Money saving coupons!
- Roving fashion editor Eileen Beswick samples the metro disco scene and puts all of the new synthetic fabrics to the Boogie Fever test!
- C-L meteorologist Dr. Paul Grant tells you how to prepare for the coming Ice Age predicted by top QSU scientists!
- Polish your Pong game with the C-L's teen Atari pro Ray Gilder!
- Travel & Tennis editor Feltie Beswick finds the hot new vacation destinations in Mexico, Columbia, and Peru!
- All-new comics featuring Dingleberry, Right On!, and Lil' Nguyen for the Quint State's growing boat people community!
With that kind of News You Can Use™, no wonder the Claxon-Ledger remains the Quint State area print leader. Call one of our friendly phone reps today for guaranteed daily delivery.
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Dear Subscriber:
100 years ago in 1887, Felton T. Beswick established the Claxon-Ledger as the Quint-State's premier source for reliable information. That tradition of innovation continues today with the all new Claxon-Ledger, redesigned by his great-grandson Felton IV, featuring easy-to-read color pie charts for today's busy young professionals! This has meant a significant $250 million investment in a new color printing plant and expensive computer pie chart software, but thanks to our recent acquisition by SatCoMediaCom, we have kept subscription rates at $19.99 per month -- a minimal increase and a bargain when you factor in our many money saving coupons and award winning news analysis. Where else can you get coverage like:
- The Pulitzer Prize winning 5-part "Roots of Shame" turnip cancer investigation
- The mysterious rash of racehorses deaths at Quint State Downs
- The Quints' rumored move to Townburgh
- Hot-off-the-wire news from AP, UPI and Reuters
- Skip Olbermaier travels to Havana to celebrate 25 years of the Cuban economic miracle
- Washington Bureau Chief Bob Smalls tells you how 'Dukakismania' will put Democrats back in the White House in '88
- WomaNews Editor Eileen Beswick-Olbermaier investigates the "glass ceiling" holding down local media career women
- In Sports, read the latest on the QSU Yellow Storm's recruiting / rape / heroin / machine gun scandal
- The Reagan Administration's stubborn refusal to bail out needy local turnip farmers
- TechStyles editor Ray Gilder tests all the new 50-pound and under laptop PCs
- In our all-new LifeStyles section, get a sneak peak of the Beswick Family's new 'Osmandia' estate in Palm Beach and former Sports Editor Jocko Culligan's posh new retirement getaway in the Cayman Islands!
And, as a new member of the SatCoMediaCom family, the Claxon-Ledger can now draw on the global news collecting resources of sister companies -- like the Townsburgh Journal, Washington Intelligencer, Village Screamer, Cable Talk News, and Hair Band TV. But don't worry -- thanks to an agreement with visionary SatCoMediaCom mogul Buckweather "Captain Buck" Mustaine, the Beswick family remains at the helm of the C-L so you know you will get the same quality information you've grown used to.
So renew today -- in color!
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Dear Subscriber:
On behalf of the entire Claxon-Ledger team, I would like to apologize for the embarrasing "Roots of Shame" incident in which we published a story incorrectly linking turnips to cancer. In our defense, "tuber" and "tumor" do sound very similar over the phone. Although inadvertent, it was still an error, so we have reassigned the writers responsible. On the "up side" we are happy to report that you can once again enjoy turnips without fear of death. I would also like to apologize for the recent color ink problem, and can assure you that all inks used in our printing plants are now certified carcinogen-free.
But as they say, every cloud has a silver lining. I am please to announce that in 1997 ownership of the C-L returns to the Beswick family, thanks to a very favorable stock price. As I hand over the reins of the Claxon-Ledger to my son Felton T. "Feltie" Beswick IV, rest assured we will refocus on our traditional strength: community service. Whether it's sponsoring Mathcapades, the annual Turnip Cancer Awareness 10K, the Quint State Metro Pride Parade, the QSU Transgressive Experimental Diversity Arts & Film Festival, or TurnipAid for local homeless farm families, The Claxon-Ledger is part of what makes the Quint State Area so special. We led the fight to keep the Quints in town, and spearheaded the bond issue to build the BeswickDome and the sparkling new MetroMonoLiteRail to the BeswickDome. This focus on community is reflected in every page of the C-L:
- In a weekend getaway interview with Bill Clinton, Eileen Beswick-Olbermaier learned what the president plans to do for, in, and around the Quint State area during his second term.
- For the area's growing Hispanic Latino/a Chicano/a community, we introduced the new Viva Los Cinco Estados! sister publication -- packed with mucho cupones por ahorro del dinero!
- In his exclusive visit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, Skip Olbermaier told you how the popular Peoples' Revolution provides a road map for getting the Quint States back on track.
- What's this wacky new "internet"? TechBeat editor Ray Gilder found out with Jagdish Mukherji and Ethan Berg of local tech startup Concrete.dom, who plan an online revolution for the cinder block industry.
- Our undercover report exposed the shocking discrimination scandal at local flight schools, and helped QSU foreign students get their place in the cockpit.
Now that's what I call community focus -- and all for the low daily delivery price of $29.95 per month! Renew today!
Sincerely,
Felton T. Beswick III, Publisher Emeritus
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Dear Former Subscriber:
In the wake of our recent problems with plagiarism and document forgery, I can understand why some of you were reluctant to renew your subscriptions when they expired in 2006. Let me first tell you that we have taken concrete steps to correct these problems. We have sent all of our remaining news staff to mandatory seminars at QSU's highly regarded School of Journalism, where they all received intensive ethics training from top professors like legendary journalist Skip Olbermaier.
Can sleazy online blogs like "The Gilder Report" offer you the same level of professional journalism quality control? Of course not. The next time you read a C-L exclusive about a pederasty dungeon in the Bush White House, rest assured it will be fact checked so you know it is true -- and you can take that to the bank. Here's another thing you can take to the bank: the money you save from our hundreds of weekly coupons!
And that's just some what you'll get with the all new Claxon-Ledger. Take a look at what we've been covering lately:
- Washington Bureau Chief Emeritus Bob Smalls chatted with newly elected Senator Eileen Beswick-Mustaine to find out how she plans to get federal help to demolish the abandoned BeswickDome, and fight the crime wave plaguing the MetroMonoLiteRail.
- We also found out how the Senator is coping with the tragic and mysterious death of her longtime secretary Betty Flugenhurst.
- Our "Cathode Ray of Death" series showed how excessive blog reading is linked to leukemia and the ebola virus.
- We reported how new DNA evidence cleared death row inmates Fennis Brooks and Dwayne Harris, nearly 30 years after their convictions in the Mammie Jackson and Kitty Cooper murders.
So please, won't you give the Claxon-Ledger another chance? For as little as $39.95 per month you can get daily delivery of our extra-checked content. If you order today, an additional $9.95 per month gets you unlimited access to our exclusive "CLPlus" online content - like Super Soduku, e-coupons, and the hard impact Washington blog BobSmallsAtLarge!
Finally, I would like this opportunity to address the recent allegations and videos concerning my personal behavior. I expect to be fully exonerated as the real truth and/or my alibis emerge in the days ahead. Still, after consultation with the C-L board, I will be temporarily stepping aside to enter an intensive substance abuse and behavioral rehabilitation program in Napa, California, which, I am assured, should in no way be construed as evidence of guilt in any legal matter to which I am currently subject.
In the meantime, I leave the C-L in the capable hands of our dedicated staff of professional journalists.
Sincerely,
Felton T. "Feltie" Beswick IV, Publisher
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Dear Former Subscriber:
If there's anything we've learned from our financial consultants, it's that a newspaper's lifeblood is its readers. Especially those of you in the 18-35 age demographic, with your fresh "today" thinking styles and devil-may-care spending habits so admired by our remaining advertisers. That's why we've launched "Sizzle," the Claxon-Ledger's hip new supplement targeted for the Quint State area's GenerationNext.
Sizzle is packed with all the edgy alterna-views for today's now youth. You'll get reviews of all the bistros and boutiques popping up in the Metro's hot new Abandoned Dome District, exclusive interviews with angry local hiphop artists like Gazillionaire, Lil Turnip, and Feltie 5, and profiles of MetroMonoLiteRail graffiti artist Dookie. You can also follow the latest outrageous nightlife antics of Lake Pointe Woods party girls Riviera Olbermaier and Brussels Beswick!
But Sizzle is not just about fun. It's also about how you can get involved in community activism. Our SizzleBlog tells you how you can help the environment, stop American involvement in Iraq, start American involvement in Darfur, and volunteer for the Beswick-Mustaine presidential campaign.
Sign up today for a test subscription for only $25 per month. Foshizzle, we got da Sizzle!
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Dear Former Subscriber:
Meet Sarah. Just a few years ago, Sara was a fresh graduate of QSU's prestigious Journalism program with an exciting job anayzing poll results for the Claxon-Ledger's front page. Today, after numerous rounds of layoffs and benefit cuts, Sarah is forced to pull triple duty -- writing OpEds, weather forecasts, and laying out the coupon section. She has tried to find alternative jobs in broadcast media, but declining TV news ratings mean she must remain in our half-empty offices, worrying whether her job will still be there next month.
How did this happen to Sarah? Because turncoat former subscribers like you decided to abandon a Quint State institution for the glitzy lure of Craigslist, Monster.com, and the unedited opinions of anonymous "bloggers."
But it's not to late to change things for Sarah. By renewing with the Claxon-Ledger today, you can help us stanch the bleeding and prove to advertisers that our paid circulation is not a lost cause.
Please, any little bit helps -- $20, $10, even $5 per month. Together we can save the future for Sarah, and her dreams of an MSNBC talk show.
Remember: every time you click on the internet, a professional journalist cries.
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Dear Former Subscriber:
Hey -- Mister "I Don't Need The Newspaper Any More, I've Got A Computer" -- remember us? Yep, it's your old pal, the Claxon-Ledger. The one that you used to welcome to your house every morning before you bought a goddamn modem from goddamn Best Buy. The one you threw in the trash after you got your goddamn flashy high speed connection. Does that refresh your memory?
Well guess what. We still have something that you can't get at your precious internet: investigative reporting. Did you know our reporters recently obtained a secret database containing a list of over 20,000 clients of the notorious "Quint State Madame" Destinee Hills?
And did you know what phone number we found on that list? 746-555-7314. Does it ring any bells? It should. It's your cell phone.
So may I suggest renewing with the Claxon-Ledger today? For the low, low price of $499.95 per month you'll get money saving coupons and our promise that this information doesn't fall into the wrong hands.
Yours in News,
Skip Olbermaier, Acting Publisher
