MATHEMATICIANS DISCOVER LARGEST NUMBER
PALO ALTO, CA - An international mathematics research team announced today that they had discovered a new integer that surpasses any previously known value "by a totally mindblowing shitload." Project director Yujin Xiao of Stanford University said the theoretical number, dubbed a "stimulus," could lead to breakthroughs in fields as diverse as astrophysics, quantum mechanics, and Chicago asphalt contracting.
"Unlike previous large numbers like the Googleplex or the Bazillionty, the Stimulus has no static numerical definition," said Xiao. "It keeps growing and growing, compounding factorially, eating up all zeros in its path. It moves freely across Cartesian dimensions and has the power to make any other number irrational."
Jean-Luc Brossard, a researcher with the European consortium CERN, said the number is so staggeringly large that it is difficult for even mathematicians to grasp, let alone lay people.
"The number itself is incomprehensible by human minds, and can only be theoretically understood in a fractional parallel universe which we refer to as the DC dimension," said Brossard. "The best way to understand a stimulus is to imagine a dollar sign followed by a packed string of hexidecimal nanodigits, wound into a triple helix, woven into a dodecahedron, and stacked on top of one another. Now imagine you were a black hole on the far edge of the universe, trying to escape the stimulus at 30 times the speed of light. The stimulus would still catch up to you and ram your black hole with such furious, repeated force that it would cause your entire reality itself to collapse."
Xiao said the team discovered the number with the help of an international network of 24 nitrogen-cooled Cray Ultracluster supercomputers, the CERN particle accelerator, and "three pounds of Humboldt County Chronic."
"The exciting news is that with more powerful computers and drugs, we believe we are on the verge of discovering an even larger number, which we refer to as a 'stimulusconferencebill,'" said Xiao. "Speaker Pelosi has already promised us the funding."
OBAMA COMMEMORATES FALL OF COMMUNISM
WASHINGTON - President Obama signed a executive order today declaring November 9, 2009 a federal holiday to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. The official order suspends mail delivery service for the day, and provides paid leave for the 147 million non-essential federal employees expected to be in place by November.
"The historic peaceful triumph of Democracy over Communism is something all Americans can rightly celebrate," said the President in an afternoon signing ceremony. "Let all patriotic citizens take a day to commemorate this joyous anniversary, then redouble our efforts to fulfill the glorious Five Year Ethanol Plan."
GRAMMY STARS TOAST RECORD BUYER
LOS ANGELES - The Grammy Awards ended on an emotional note Sunday night as a chorus of over one hundred recording stars paid musical tribute to Jeff Sargent, the Blue Springs, MO man responsible for buying both CDs sold in 2008.
Sargent, 28, accounted for 100% of U.S. and 40% of global CD sales last year after purchasing Lil Wayne's "Tha Carter III" and "Kenny Chesney's Greatest Hits" from the same Raytown, MO Wal Mart in November, earning a special testimonial award from the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences.
Sargent said he was "touched" by the show-stopping medley, which included solos by Kid Rock, Jennifer Hudson, Jay-Z, and Coldplay, as well as lap dances from Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry.
"Man, that was the best $29.98 I've ever spent," said Sargent. "I'll have to look for free downloads of their albums when I get home."
IMAGINARY-AMERICANS MARCH FOR CENSUS RIGHTS
WASHINGTON - Waving invisible banners proclaiming "Census Rights Now," an enormous throng of Imaginary-Americans rallied at the National Mall today to support the Obama Administration's planned takeover of the U.S. Census Bureau.
"I want to thank everyone in the Imaginary community for turning out for this great cause," said President Obama, speaking on the steps of the Lincoln Monument to a reportedly cheering crowd estimated at between 0 and 12 million. "For too long, the Census Bureau has discriminated against people on the basis of their existential status, or perceived lack of appearance. That must stop. I promise you that under my administration, Imaginary-Americans everywhere will enjoy the same rights that they do in my home town of Chicago."
ABC News analyst Jake Tapper said the rally underscored the growing national political clout of Imaginary-Americans.
"It used to be that Non-Existentials were mostly confined to a few wards in Chicago, Philadelphia and Detroit, but we're seeing them more and more in opinion polls and elections around the country," said Tapper. "With dozens of congressional seats and billions of dollars in federal grants hanging in the balance, the President wants to make sure Imaginary citizens don't get undercounted in the 2010 Census."
"It's just smart politics," added Tapper. "According to the exit polls, President Obama carried the Imaginary vote 346% to √-12%."