An Iowahawk Economic Alert-o-Gram
By David Burge
Thanks to the new housing bailout plan, happy days are here again for America's sub-prime borrowing community -- but Iowahawk's Dave Burge warns that national recovery is now threatened by deadbeat tax protesters who failed to understand the rules of the game
The Dave Burge sector: leading America back to prosperity
For many months now, I have been writing about how the national mortgage crisis has affected at-risk borrowers like myself. Lured in by devious plus-size lenders like Linda Mustaine, with their promises of low interest ARMs and free Igloo coolers, millions of us were tricked into purchasing houses we obviously could not afford. Worse, when the market turned south, we faced the nightmarish prospect of being relocated to homes that we arguably could afford.
But through all of it, some of us persevered. We made the hard economic choices. We fought off eviction by keeping Linda Mustaine juiced up with mai tais at Applebee's happy hour. We sheltered our dirtbike assets in Kyle's shed, under a tarp, to stave off the repo men. We spent countless hours applying for the credit cards that would see us through. We made the wise economic decision to stop paying our stupid mortgages -- because we calculated that when the rainy day came, Washington would come to its senses and clear up the tab.
Happily, that day has finally arrived. Thanks to the new federal mortgage bailout bill, Americans like me are finally on track for housing security. Previously facing a $1.2 million debt from three mortgage on a home recently appraised at $43,500, less missing bathroom fixtures and windows, the President's plan allowed me to renegotiate my payments down to a level that will keep me solvent until at least mid June-ish. Now that my family and various friends from Jimbo's Tap Room no longer have to worry about having a stable crash pad, we are finally free to resume the spending that will lead America back to economic prosperity.
I wish I could take credit for it, but it took the collective effort of hundreds of thousands of us in the subprime community, working with the financial industry and public sector officials. Unfortunately, there is another group out there who is working to kill important financial bailout reforms just as they are sparking a renaissance in the American housing market. I'm speaking, of course, of the so-called "Tea Party" tax protesters.
I'm sure you've heard of them or read their emails: "Wah, I paid my mortgage." "Wah, I didn't use my house for an ATM." "Wah, Dave I need that hundred back I lent you at Christmas." Now, I'm as sympathetic to a good sob story as anybody, but these whiners have nobody to blame but themselves for their predicament. Anyone who kept track of the Gallup presidential polls last year should have known what was coming, so don't blame me if you decided to waste your money paying your stupid mortgage. But, in the six-dimensional bizarro world of these noisy tax gripes, they expect me to give up my bailout to pay for their irresponsible lack of foresight! Helloooo?! Beam me up, Scotty!
The most ludicrous aspect of these protesters is their utter lack of understanding that the mortgage bailout benefits everyone - even them. Let me explain to these unpatriotic whiners how the economy works: The money that government is now wisely investing in our mortgage system will free up billions of extra dollars in spending by Americans like me, which will directly create jobs. For you economic illiterates, this is what experts call the "multiplier effect."
For example, now that my mortgage worries are over, I was able to afford the down payment on a sweet new jet ski, directly creating jobs at Coralville Kawasaki. I also purchased a few items from my friend and local small business entrepreneur Randy Hansgard. Randy used that money to make high tech capital improvements in his business, like new grow-lights and an Ohaus 3-beam electronic scale. After I wrecked the jet ski, this created jobs at the Coralville Kawasaki service department. I also splurged by sending Linda a thoughtful Jenny Craig gift certificate with my partial January mortgage payment, because she's really been packing on the pounds lately.
Consider what happens next: that small amount of money I originally spent now gets re-spent, and re-re-spent, snowballing through the economy, creating jobs and opportunities everywhere it goes. America's liquor stores and zip-lock bag makers and go-kart tracks hire millions of new workers. Eventually this tsunami of economic activity creates additional wealth for everyone, even the stupid tax protesters, resulting in more tax revenues to pay for my next round of job-creating bailout spending. But do I get any thanks from the protesters? Of course not. They're too busy destroying America's economic system and polluting our pristine waterways with their angry Lipton bags.
That's why I have a message for you America-hating, bailout-protesting morons: put down the tea, and have a nice steaming hot cup of STFU. Instead of whining about your past mortgage paying mistakes, start focusing on the future. Because let's face it - another bailout gravy train is coming down the tracks and tickets are limited. Continuing your same irresponsible behavior only creates a moral hazard, endangers the recovery, and screws up a good thing for the rest of us in the job creation sector.
And speaking of morals, let's all remember the moral of "The Ant and the Grasshopper." That frugal food-saving ant can bitch all he wants about the lazy grasshopper. But it won't matter when summer's over and the grasshopper plague comes to town.