Acting US President Skyler Lozano:
bringing new hope to Wall Street
NEW YORK - Major stock indexes posted broad gains on heavy trading early Tuesday on news that a rogue group of student protesters from New York University had taken over the White House and barricaded themselves in the Oval Office. The Dow posted a 1100 point (17%) gain in the first hour of trading, wiping out nearly all of its loss since January 20 and almost 35% of losses since November 4.
"Finally, we're seeing encouraging signs of sanity in Washington," said UBS market analyst Jane Cohen.
The market rally lifted issues across the board, with 87% of stocks showing gains. Market leaders included Apple ($116.05, +32%), Amalgamated Pachouli & Incense ($23.15, +53%), Keffiya Mart ($17.66, +49%), and Bongs.com ($41.10, +72%). The short list of losers included student loan guarantor Sallie Mae ($1.78, -78%) and General Deodorant ($0.83, -96%).
The market's long slide was reversed almost immediately after the students, recently expelled from NYU after a takeover of a school building, wrested control of the federal government after a 15 minute siege of the White House.
"They tricked us," complained exiled Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. "They said they were only coming by to chillax with some OG kush and talk about the stimulus bill and shit."
According to Secret Service officials, when the president and aides left the Oval Office in search of a seed tray and some kibble the students barred the door, effectively taking over the executive branch.
After the takeover, coup leader and presumed acting US President Skyler Lozano appeared on a White House balcony to unfurl a "Free Gaza" banner and recite a list of the group's demands, including "cruelty-free consensus," "vegan lunchboxes," "end of the corporatist empire," and "free Wi-Fi in all dorms." Newly appointed US Secretary of Drum Circles Rachel Morgenthau then ordered all federal employees to go on a general strike until "we reach a democratic consensus on meeting a timetable for agreeing to a community framework for a collective demand consensus."
The ensuing chaos, with hundreds of thousands of government employee walking off the job, brought gridlock to Washington freeways and the federal government to a crashing halt. It also sparked a buying frenzy on Wall Street, as bulls rushed in to take advantage of what they saw as a new, totally baked government economic policy.
"In his long list of policy demands, acting President Lozano never mentioned the stimulus package, TARP, or auto industry bailouts," said USB's Cohen. "There has been widespread optimism that he will remain too stoned to remember it."
The mood on Wall Street remained upbeat through noon trading, but Baird analyst Peter McCarthy cautioned investors against undue optimism, pointing to troubling signs of a possible Obama administration return.
"I don't want to harsh anybody's mellow, but there remains the possibility that the former administration could enlist Campus Security to retake executive power," warned McCarthy. "Let's just hope the new White House team remembered to shove the sofa in front of the door."
Deposed Obama administration officials denied any plans for a military action to regain power, and said they would exhaust legal challenges before resorting to NYU rent-a-cops.
"We are ready to file a suit as soon as the DC circuit court returns from Jamaica," said Emanuel, at a terse press conference outside Obama's Oval Office-in-Exile at a Red Roof Inn in Bethesda, Maryland. "And as soon as we finish this bag of kush."
