First some bad news: the Electoral College votes have been counted and certified, and the Supreme Court had not returned my voice mails about Barack Obama's birth certificate. According to my campaign manager Kyle, continuing my presidential campaign at this point would likely be futile and make a severe dent in my beer budget. So, sadly, I must officially concede defeat, and congratulate President-Elect Obama on a hard fought upset victory.
I know that many of you are heartbroken by this announcement, but please don't despair. There is a glittery silver lining to this cloud: Mr. Obama's election has freed up an actual slot in the United States Senate for some lucky Illinois citizen - like, say, Dave Burge.
That's right! I may be Iowan by birth, but I am also a 100% certified legal resident of the state of Illinois with an 11 year dossier of unpaid parking tickets and traffic school receipts to prove it. I meet all the minimum Constitutional requirements, and have never had a felony conviction stand up on appeal. Thus, I am happy to announce my immediate availability as the next US Senator from the Land of Lincoln.
The sweetest part of this whole deal? Unlike the Presidential race, getting the US Senate gig doesn't require a boring and expensive three year campaign and 60 million votes. In fact it only requires getting one vote -- from Illinois' handsome and dynamic young governor, "Hot Rod" Blagojevich. But I will need your help to convince the Governor to appoint me before he is distracted by further indictments and/or impeachments.
I know there might be skeptics out there who question whether I am ready for this responsibility. That's why I am happy to present the case for Illinois Senator Burge:
While I may have never worked in freelance undercover airport security or in uniformed civic organizations like some U.S. Senators, I have a track record far superior to many others angling for a Senate job. For example, consider my qualifications compared to Caroline Kennedy: I have three alcoholic uncles who have escaped sinking Oldsmobiles. Hell, I was driving twice.
Recent high dollar "pay-to-play" scandals have shaken America's confidence in its legislative institutions, and I am committed to restoring the public trust. Given my current financial situation, you can be assured that I will shell out no more that $1200 for my Senate seat, $1500 tops. Okay, maybe I'll throw in an '84 Camaro front clip, but that's it.
Restoring America's greatness will take a united bipartisan effort between Republicans and Democrats. As Senator, I will reach across the aisle and/or under the table to all my colleagues, regardless of party, to hammer out some killer secret greatness-restoring deals. I will also work together with Senate majority and minority leaders to make sure none of those other assholes gets an unfair cut of all that American greatness we will be restoring.
You may be asking yourself, "why would Dave lower himself to run for the Senate after he was a hair breadth from the presidency?" Sure, the perks don't match the White House, but membership in the World's Greatest Deliberative Body is nothing to sneeze at. The two hundred grand salary might be half of what I'd be pulling in at the Oval Office, but it's a decent raise over the workman's comp I'm collecting from Domino's. And if I'm willing to lower my expectations, shouldn't you? Please sign the following petition to Governor Blagojevich in the comments section, and let's get the good times rolling again.
Oh, and Caroline Kennedy? Call me, babe.
Governor Rod Blagojevich
As Illinois citizens, as far as you know, we the undersigned strongly encourage you to appoint David R. Burge of Chicago as United States Senator for the State of Illinois. Mr. Burge will work tirelessly to promote the interests of the people of Illinois, and pull whatever strings are necessary to keep your ass out of the Illinois Governor Wing at Marion Federal Pen. Let's face it, Rod: you're running out of options and Dave is your only hope. Please act now, before the Feds bust down your door.