Five Year Plan Fails

Hey, how 'bout that? This joint is now five years old.

I started this blog with a simple goal in mind: to attract gullible millions into a worldwide online cult and then bilk them of their life savings. Five years, 450-odd posts and almost that many pageviews later, my actual market appeal has proven somewhat more selective. Extremely more selective. Still, it's much more than I deserve, and I'd like offer my very sincere thanks for your patronage. I sure hope you had 1% of the fun reading the junk I post here as had typing it, even if (especially if?) you don't see eye-to-eye with me politically. If any of it annoyed you I hope that deep down, were also a tiny bit amused.

This being a semidecicentennial and all, it seemed like an occasion for a retrospective of some sort. Like on "Happy Days" when the cast would sit around and say "remember the time that Potsie dressed up like a cheerleader and ended up heavy petting with Fonz at the submarine races?" and then the screen would go wiggly and the rest of the episode was filler from older programs. That's basically what's below the fold here: annotated wiggly flashbacks to the 25 Iowahawk episodes over the past five years that I think generated the most positive reaction from readers. Or, at least, the stuff you told me stunk less than normal. 

Yes, I know that "Happy Days" eventually had so many flashback retrospective episodes that they started having meta-retro-retro-flashback-on-previous-flashback episodes. My promise to you: this is the last maudlin narcissistic flashbacking you'll see here for the next five years, or 60,000 miles. And, as is my blogiversary tradition, I am temporarily opening the comments for your suggestions, insults, knock knock jokes, Viagra spam, etc.  Have at it!

THE 25 LEAST-SUCK IOWAHAWKS 2003-2008

25. Why I Am a Democrat

This one actually predates the blog by several years. It first appeared at CNSNews in 2000 when I had an occasional column there, and was prompted by an actual Democratic Party essay contest. I did a similar bit a few years later after The American Prospect held their own essay contest asking for a liberal "elevator speech." Have to say I was somewhat surprised that TAP took the joke pretty well, and even posted a complimentary link back.

24. Ingmar Bergman's Hazardous Dukes

One of the problems with doing political humor is the 'golf clap' -- the suspicion that the laughs you get are based more on the audience's shared political sympathies than that on actual humor content. Occasionally I like to toss something up that is politics-free to keep myself honest. This low-brow TV / hi-brow cinema mashup was one of those. 

23. Cave Profs 

Gronk! Academics are are always bitching about Western Culture, so why not take that opinion to its logical conclusion? Another one that predates the blog, having originally appeared at CNS in 1999. Similar, with an environmental twist: Scientists Warn: Sea Gods Angry.

22. Strib Community News

In what is possibly the single most glaring example of newspaper business idiocy in the 21st Century, the Minneapolis Star Tribune in 2007 was considering reassign the great James Lileks to a community reporting beat. Glen Reynolds suggested I put together a parody about it, and this is the result. Happily the Strib came to their senses about Lileks, but I think they cut Shakespeare's wedding announcements last month.

21. DaveTV

A words-only blog feels kind of anachronistic at a time when the rest of the online world seems increasingly like television. I have posted various videos of my hot rod adventures over the years, but never tried video satire until Hey Barack, the guest appearance by Barack Obama's teleprompter, and It Takes a Village of the Damned, remixing the creepy singing Obama kids.

20. Little Machine Shed of Horrors

True pictures from my Dad's creepy collection of antique farm equipment that got wide circulation via Boing Boing. Pretty much explains where my sense of humor comes from.

19. Look out for People Doing Things

After the London car bombings in July 2007 public officials and media in Britain seemed in the grips of some kind of mass verbal psychosis, rendering them incapable of saying various words or ideas. Oddly enough these words and ideas were being lauded and celebrated in the London media just a few weeks earlier . 

18. The Pandagon Trilogy

As a rule I try to avoid the parochial teapot tempests that sometimes consume the blogosphere. But when John Edwards selected a foulmouthed lunatic from the netroots B-list brine pond to serve as his official presidential campaign blogger, it was too much to resist. That particular situation comedy resulted in two F-bomb laced parody bits and a stage musical.

17. I am Joe / I am Bill

The disgusting media treatment of Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher during the 2008 election prompted me to post a very rare straight opinion piece which seemed to strike a chord with a few people; last count I've gotten more than 400 emails about it. It also generated a follow up opportunity to (intentionally) parody myself.

16. The Real Acme 

The true story of the Turbonique Company of Orlando, Florida. This one eventually grew into a full length dead tree article for Garage Magazine, and as a result I have become pals with some of the people associated with the legendary rocket automobile maker. In May 2008 I even got a chance to drive the ultimate Turbonique car -- Zach Reynolds' rocket powered Tobacco King Galaxie.

15. Subscribe Now!

The history of the newspaper bidness told through the subscription notices of the Claxon-Ledger. It was a device I reprised more recently for the Weekly Standard with the parody "Return to Sender."

14. It is Finally Time to Exit the Oldsmobile

When Ted Kennedy gave a Senate speech in January 2005 calling for immediate retreat from Iraq, it was a golden opportunity for a sucker punch.

13. Fear and Loathing in the Mystery Machine

A non-political bit prompted by the death of Hunter S. Thompson (original here, more legible version reposted here).

I have always admired HST's writing, and consider him somewhat of an inspiration. I even had the chance to chat with him in Iowa City many years ago after he gave a riveting, incoherent guest lecture in the Iowa Memorial Union. He was baked on Wild Turkey and, I think, PCP, and graciously granted my request for a signature on a packet of Zig Zag rolling papers. One bit of HST's writing that always stuck with me was a passage in "Fear & Loathing" about the violent, roiling 60s counterculture crashing like a giant wave and rolling back to the sea. By contrast, my 60s were pretty much Saturday mornings in front of a console TV. This piece was my tribute to him, a mashup of our two different 60s.

12. Dear Barry

Barack Obama as a relationship expert / advice columnist was one of those premises that wrote themselves (and kind of prescient regarding the current news cycle).

11. Ten Things You Can Do To Save the Planet

Some inconvenient truths for the celebrity green community. I followed it up later with my own personal carbon offset scheme.

10. Chutch!

The karate-choppin' mystical fake Indian academic of 70's TV, based on the even-more ridiculous real life Ward Churchill. The germ of this was in an earlier TV parody I did during the 2004 election, Johnny Nuance. I've done a load of TV parodies since then, but Chutch was more fun (and easier) to write than any of them. 

9. It's Not Easy Being Dave

I'm always reluctant to write about my private life, but occasionally I find it important to give readers a glimpse into Casa del Burge as a way of illustrating geopolitical and economic principles.

8. America Can Take Pride in this Historic, Inspiring Disaster

A summary of my emotions following the election of Barack Obama -- genuine patriotic pride, genuine existential dread. If my inbox is any gauge it seemed to echo what a lot of other people felt on Nov 5.

7. The Media Violence Project

The media has two rules for portraying Americans in the military: they must be either (a) dimwitted victims, or (b) bloodthirsty psychopaths. In January 2008 New York Times completely broke the mold with an "investigative" report portraying American veterans as dimwitted victims and bloodthirsty psychopaths. As a response I decided to fire up Google and subject the media profession to the same bathetic "scientific" scrutiny they love aiming at the military. The Google results were not pretty, and it generated a followup poster campaign.

6. Gorillas in the Mi(dwe)st

I'm always entertained when I read a dispatch from a pith-helmeted Times or Post or NPR reporter, recounting the strange ways of the mysterious Flyover People. The first time I addressed that topic was in the 2001 CNS piece Bush Country and it became a frequent theme here including Mommy Madness, Dollywood Values,and the Conrad riff Heart of Redness. The one I like best in this genre is the 2003 turnabout piece Scrappy Newspaper Struggles for Survival.

5. The Dan Rather Mysteries

What's the frequency, Kenneth? Beats me. All I know is that Dan Rather's inept search into Bush's Texas Air National Guard documents was the funniest true life detective story of the last 5 years. It wasn't much of a stretch to give him the hardboiled gumshoe treatment (with cameo appearances by several of my blogosphere pals). The first one, My Teleprompter is Deadly, appeared in late September 2004, followed by Farewell My Producer, The Big Snooze, and finally The Ratings Always Drop Twice.

4. I Must Say I Do Quite Like the Cut of this Obama Fellow's Jib

Sometimes selective fragging is more useful than shooting at the enemy. This friendly fire was aimed at the country club Republicans who were abandoning ship during the '08 election's final stretch. It's probably the single most read piece here, primarily because it was given a nice on-air plug by Rush Limbaugh, who conjectured I was a liberal. 

3. The Strife-Torn Midwest

A month or so after 9/11 I did a bit at CNS playing on the idea of Midwest as Mideast, which evolved into another thematic staple here. I probably recycled that premise too many times because it always generated a big reader response. Probably the best example in the set is the Lombardi Cartoon Riots which gave me an excuse to try out cartooning, and which eventually bought me a lot of free beers up in Packerland.

2. Heere Beginyth the Tale of the Asse-Hatte.

A little poesy prompted by the world's stupidest man: Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury. After the good archbishop pronounced that Britons must eventually accept shariah law for Muslims, I grabbed my old college paperback copy of Chaucer from its milk crate and this bit was the result. I was surprised by the amount of attention it eventually received, including a couple of cherished emails I got from people in very high literary places. I returned to epic poem parody more recently (and somewhat less successfully) with The Idiossey.

1. The Zarkman Chronicles

Say what you want about the late Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, but the guy was a comedy writer's dream. The first in the series was a short 4th of July throw-away that ended up causing a thread at DailyKos to go totally apeshit, including a few posted death threats aimed at me (since deleted). In response I posted this bit, which was the first one where Zark found his voice as a cynical sadsack gansta. I milked the premise a few more times (here, here, here, here), even some live election Zarkblogging. It all conclude with Zarkman's report from Paradise, which I believe is still the Iowahawk post with the biggest number of trackbacks. Part of me was sad to see the asshole go, but he sorta lives on in various spinoff posts.

For me, the most satisfying thing about the Zarkman series was the number of emails it brought in from .mil addresses, the real-life Team Satan members who were actually kicking Zarkman's ass in Iraq, telling me they provided a morale boost. If I never get another another single thing from this blogging nonsense, those emails made it all worthwhile.

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Addendum: Bankok-based Karradine at Brain Surgery With Spoons sends these audio versions of Inspector Dan Rather and Zarkman for your listening pleasure.

Comments

[Yojimbo]

I don't care what Andrew Sullivan says, I think you are comic genius. I always feel like I am getting my money's worth when I visit your blog. Congratulations and here's to five more years.

[heldmyw]

Semidecicentennial? Shoot! It seems more like 5 years or somethin'...

Speaking for untold masses, I would like to thank you for countless enjoyable posts! Thought-provoking, laugh-producing and invariably clever, you are a kind soul to share your gifts with the world!

Best wishes on the next lustrum or five!

Sincerely!

[Harry Bergeron]

My family never did too good in school.
Us kids were so poor, we couldn't even afford to pay attention.

HAHAHAHAHAR!
Better luck with your next 5 year plan!

[Harry Bergeron]

My family never did too good in school.
Us kids were so poor, we couldn't even afford to pay attention. HAHAHAHAHAR!

Better luck with your next 5 year plan!

Yer old pal,
Arch-Bishop Magic Don Juan

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h62/freshcrunkjuice/02/bishop1.jpg

[Jimbo]

Dude, you never said thanks for the eighteen-pack of Nattie Lights I put in your tip jar.

What are you, one of those mid-west beer snobs?

[Jimbo in Wild, Wild Northwest Florida]

Dude, you never said thanks for the eighteen-pack of Nattie Lights I put in your tip jar.

What are you, one of those mid-west beer snobs?

[iowahawk]

The beers froze in the email truck up from Florida!

Seriously tho, I'm embarrassed for being a laggard on the tipjar thankies, I will get caught up soon.

[charliefreak]

I hope this does not mean that iowahawk is lining up the coupe of justice to jump the shark. Say it ain't so Potsie.

[Steve Abbott]

Thanks for all the laughs! Keep the funny coming even if a loyal member of The Legion Of Dumb and fellow Iowa Hawkeye is probably too slow for most of it....

[Rich Horton]

Hey Dave, I think your stuff is great, but you might not want to read too much into that. Pretty much any reference to Decorah, IA or Pamida will cause me to cackle insanely.

[J Ghost]

I'm sorry, but Johnny Nuance was the best piece ever. Pitch perfect. Love your stuff, man!

[Marie]

I believe it is spelled "Pottsie."

[RIch]

I really got a kick out of your spoof of Jesse whats-his-bucket the fake ranger. The "Burger King" being the ugly face of US imperialism had me rolling on the floor.

The Zarkman stuff was definitely top notch- I still spread the word on that.

Keep it coming.

[iowahawk]

On the contrary, my desk copy of the Oxford Unabridged Guide to English Literature spells it "Potsie."

I had forgotten about the Jesse MacBeth thing. It's here...

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2006/05/stop_the_lies.html

[John]

Say, um, yeah...so...when I did that whole “I’ll donate $2 million dollars to your campaign,” er...turns out that was kinda illegal. So, just don’t remind people about that whole ‘running for President’ thing.

BTW, what you ever do with that money? You remember, it was right before you started buying all those vintage cars. Have any commemorative campaign stickers or whatnot?

[iowahawk]

Ixnay on the illegal-ay onations-day.

I don't know nothin' about nothin'.

[Golem]

You are a genius. Keep 'em coming. :)

[Boogie Man]

You could make a good living from suing the radio stations who rip you off. Have you seen this?

http://www.760kfmb.com/?p=1580

Or this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7-iss3k4ME

Come out to California for a lawsuit vacation!

[iowahawk]

Yeah, a couple of people sent me the KFMB link. I have asked the guy to take it down but he has ignored the request. I might have to resort to other means.

That KSFO YouTube voiceover thing was pretty funny, but it'd be nice to have an attribution.

[clarice]

I can't begin to tell you how much enjoyment I get from reading Iowahawk. Here's hoping for many, many more years of your outstanding work.(Of course, I do worry that when my family sees me laughing out loud in front of the computer, the institution of a conservatorship isn't far off, but I'll take that risk.)

[CB]

Iowahawk is one of the very best blogs on the internet! Your satire is amazing and I look forward to every word you write. Many thanks for sharing your awesomeness with us all and happy anniversary!

[average_guy]

Iowahawk:

Made from the best stuff on earth...just like Snapple.

[Sparky]

A whole 20th of a century, and still blogging! What an achievement. I applaud you. Congratulations.

An Iraqi* blessing: "May someone notorious hurl his shoes at you."
* (I am not an actual Iraqi)

And a Kos/Congressional/Big 3 blessing: "May you be appointed village savant by the village of idiots."

[Rachel]

It's terrific, keep it coming.

[bobko]

For me, "I Love You Too, Cecilia Lucas" is the best I've read. I dredge it up every couple months when I'm in the mood for some inspiring poetry. You've captured Berkley / Hezbo love like no one else.

Thank you for your service to the interweb community.

[Beth]

Don't sell yourself short on "Clockwork O-Rage" - one of my all time favorites. You were a beacon of light in the dark times of Election 08.

[Don]

'hawk,

Here's to five more. My only complaint is that you don't have a search mechanism on the site, because it's a pain to click through "older crap/newer crap" when I remember something you wrote and have to read it right now.

Thanks for linking to the Pandagon "My Fair Lady" spoof, it's one of my favorites. I seem to recall MAD magazine spoofing the same musical (something along the lines of, "He's a pig, Mallion") and I kept thinking that perfection would be your parody, illustrated by the great Wally Wood.

I dunno what your day job is, but I hope you get enough via the tip jar to keep going for a while yet.

[T. Marcell]

Dave, congrats, all of the top 25 are good, and I first started reading this site because of the "Why I Am a Democrat" piece. But there is one you omitted--"Well, That Didn't Work Out So Great"--the first-person account of the UK terrorists who got beaten down by that incomprehensible airport security guard--frickin' hilarious. You are the funniest guy on the intertubes.

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2007/07/that-didnt-go-s.html

[Julie]

Ah, Iowahawk, I am so glad I came across your website a few months ago. As a struggling young mother of two, I often find myself worried about our future. But reading your blog always makes me chuckle!

Thanks for posting links to your best--they will keep me in a good mood for days (and for that, my kids thank you, too).

[Wanderlust]

Dave,

Glad for the opportunity to gush, although I won't go so far as to give you a man-hug. That just wouldn't do.

I have been frequenting your site for quite some time. You have a singular wit that more often than not leaves me in stitches - and I promise I won't sue.

However I do think your absolute best post ever was the one you wrote just after the Presidential election last month. I ended up emailing the link to several people I know who are of a similar political bent; your post described how we felt so succinctly that I couldn't have added a single word.

Oh, and when you did the Youtube vid of Tobacco King, I played it on my sound system via Netgear's EVA8000 box; I think if I had been the one to have got behind the wheel of *that* car, even just to idle it over an auction block, I would have (to use AllahPundit's old phrase) felt "funny in the pants". That thing deserves a Bonneville run like nothing else.

Keep on skewering.

-Wanderlust

[Taylor]

Congratulations on five years, and keep up the good work! You've written some hilarious stuff; my personal favorites are The Idiossey, Cave Profs, and Heart of Redness.

[harrison]

Congrats on the B'day.
I really enjoy your work.
Now where's that ball of the day?

[Gina]

That Asse-Hatte poem was a masterwork. I'm getting a little tear in the corner of my eye.

[Mrs. Peel]

Thanks for the roundup, Iowahawk. I love the Tale of the Asse-Hatte. Another of my favorites is "Hungry Like Naomi Wolf," which you reposted recently, and I am also very fond of "The Pussy Always Purrs Twice," the Wolcott parody you did a while back. I guess the latter is a bit too inside-baseball for this kind of list, but the Naomi Wolf story always makes me laugh so hard. I'm surprised you didn't include it.

Anyway, congratulations on five years, and I'm off to reread the Zarkman chronicles!

[Infidel Tiger]

So this isn't a cult? What was all that weird sex about then?

[happy1ga]

It really is Iowahawk's world, and we are merely his subjects! I've been voraciously inhaling every post for quite a while now. If I wasn't a married woman, and Iowahawk wasn't a married man, I'd chase him to the ends of the blogosphere! The flyover posts may be my fave, as I am a good ol' Southern girl. I don't know whether to be viciously jealous of Iowahawk's satirical abilities, or just grateful he shares them. Congrats on 5 years of excellence.

Your ether stalker,

D. Butler

[Son of the South]

Semidecicentennial? Sounds dirty - hope it doesn't mean half, of a tenth, of a hundredth? Did you make that up or do people generally celebrate five years with such polysyllabic extravagance?

Cheers to you, sir - please entertain us with another quinque years of the Internet's most biting and hilarious satire.

SoS

[SSG Pooh]

Just praying that you and Blair head off on a few months of road trips through Oz and the US. The resulting tome would make Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas look like a Care Bears episode.

I remain not worthy.

[Surind]

Great job... you have my support.

Keep 'em coming and thanks! ;-)

[Serr8d]

Fantastic satyr-ical mockerages; you're a freakin' genius at play. My personal favorites were the Marcotte skewerings.

Keep 'em roiling.

[Ronnie]

Daaaaavvvvvve....... I love you man! These past 5 years have been the BEST times of my life!! YOU'RE WAY funnier than that other guy..... you know, what's his face.... hey man, could ya crank up the Coupe-of-Justice and run me to the store to grab another case!?!? huh, you'll go for me?!?....oooooh, THANKS!!! I love you man!! you win the election??

[FatCat]

You are too funny. I hope we are bunkmates at the Department of Media Fairness' Camp Pelosi.

[Nashvega$]

This blog is one of my first stops in my "busy" "work" day.... the Dan Rather Mysteries and the Strib Community News are in my Iowahawk TOP 5.... hell, being a Southerner, I hadn't a clue as to who Lileks was.... now I read his stuff all the time too!! I especially love it when he hammers that wacko-lefty-NPRist-keillor!! You outta do a parody on that numbskull too!

Thanks Dave!! Keep up the great work!!

[notutopia]

Happy 5th Blog Birthday!
May the next 5 be just as BRILLIANT.
I hope that cake is Italian creme...I luv cake....

[Silicon valley Jim]

I still have fond memories of a piece that included a Palo Alto High School student gutting a catfish. Happy Anniversary to a blogger whose greatest hits just keep on comin'!

[Dan Edwards]

I miss the Hoosegaw Honeys...

[Dan Collins]

When I read you, I always think of Coleridge yammering on after one too many laudanum snifters about the refusive power of the imagination.

[ronaldus magnus]

Well done David. Just when I thinks life sucks, I look to you and think: "Well - it could be worse...."

Thank you for your links to our pal Doc Lee while he was in Iraq and your promotion of the "Legion of Humvee."

Ronaldus Magnus out.

[alppuccino]

How well did we know iowahawk? I mean, did we really take the time to get to know him? You know, in here?

He will be missed.

[mrsdarwin]

This blog is made of awesome and you are the king of cool.