Friendly Advice

Iowahawk's regular relationship advice expert Barack Obama is on leave today, preparing for the upcoming presidential debate. Filling in today is our all-star cast of personal growth experts.

Dear Professor Ayers:

I have two children, ages 11 and 14, and I am interested in setting up an Illinois educational savings account for pay for their college expenses. Can these savings accounts be used for private or out-of state colleges? What are the relevant tax and eligibility rules I should consider?

Mary Ellen in Lombard

Dear Mary Ellen: Your question is borne of bourgeois ignorance and manufactured consent. A violent revolution is coming, and the workers will throw off the chains of their oppression and rise up in a bloody revolt against AmeriKKKa's legacy of racism, genocide, and hegemonic corporatist empire. In the coming revolution, the state and its propagandist education apparatus will wither away, thus ushering in a new age of proletarian enlightenment. All education will be free, and all children, including yours, will be rescued from their bourgeois shackles and freed to join the vanguard for permanent revolution.

But if this doesn't happen by their sophomore year in high school, you might want to check some of the scholarship programs at UIC. We have over two dozen government financial aid packages right here in the UIC College of Education. Go Flames!

Dear Tony:

I'm selling my 3-bedroom split level in the southwest suburbs next year, and I was thinking about a complete kitchen remodel before putting it on the market. I have bids from three contractors ranging from $26,000 to $35,000. Normally kitchen and bath remodeling is supposed to pay for itself, but with the market soft as it is I'm worried that it'll end up a losing deal. What do you recommend?

Judy in Naperville

Dear Judy: hey whatta ya wanna do sometheen stupid like dat, hokay? Now you leesin to your buddy Tony, hokay. Tony gotta cousin back in Syria, he gots lotsa money. Tony gonna send you a plain brown package, you know, a leetle geeft. Watta want you to do ees go down dere to dat zoning commeeshion and pass around some of dat Tony cash, and say, 'hokay, buddies, Judy gonna build her a 200 unit Section 8 dere on my property.' I get my cousin Mansour build you nice complex wit da grant money. Poorty soon dems HUD checks gonna be rolling right in, and all yous gotsa do is send ol' Tony da money back in anodder package, den yous go off to Vegas. If dem tenants start coomplaining bout the rats an stuff, you let ol' Tony take care a dat, I know da housing inspector, hokay?

Dear Larry:

I put in a stand of tomatoes this year without much luck. I thoroughly composted the tomato bed, kept the soil at the correct ph, and protected it from direct sunlight. I must not have a "green thumb," because no matter what I do I get disappointing yields and small, flavorless tomatoes. Do you have any suggestions?

Diane in Joliet

Dear Diane: As a former farmer myself, I realize how frustrating a bad crop can be. I've found I get the best results by inviting various highly connected political figures and US Senators over to your house for a friendly high-stakes poker game. Make sure you have plenty of chips and beer and coldcuts on hand, and ash trays for the smokers. Now here's the real important part: carefully ante at least $1000 on each hand, then when it comes around to you, no matter how good your hand is, fold. Make sure your show your cards so your new friends know what a lousy poker player you are.

I know it sounds crazy, but take it from somebody who knows: tilling the right people is more important than tilling you plant bed. And no matter how bad the weather gets next year, it'll be raining earmarks and you'll be harvesting a bumper crop of subsidies and set-asides. Tomatoes? You can buy all the fucking tomatoes you want at the grocery story.

Dear Bernadine:

I've found myself in a nasty legal pickle of sorts. A couple of months ago I joined a satanic murder cult in Southern California, and was recently arrested during the ritual stabbing of a pregnant starlet in a Hollywood mansion. I've been thinking about an insanity defense, but I'm just not sure. What are the pros and cons?

Squeaky at the L.A. County Jail

Dear Squeaky: Dig it! First you killed those pigs and then put a fork in their bellies? Wild!

In your situation, I would probably opt for regular prison. They generally have better law libraries and LSAT prep courses. Within a couple of weeks you should be able to cook up some appeals and brutality charges. You also might think about claiming status as a political prisoner. This can generally help you case, European-human-rights-organizations-wise.

I know it's a hassle, but with a little work on your part you should be out on the streets again in 3 or 4 months, tops. Good luck, and make sure you call me if you need Law School recommendation letters or help finding a book publisher.

Dear Alex:

With the turmoil in the market, I'm thinking about redirecting 50% of my IRA contributions to a fixed interest fund, but some of my friends at work think there are some real bargain stock out there. Any thoughts on this?

Jim in Winnetka

Dear Jim: If you're like me, you want to balance your portfolio with a mixture of long and short term holdings. Have you thought about investing your money in organized crime casino loans? Unlike underperforming mutual funds, mafia securities have a long history of above-market returns with a minimum of risk, especially if you know people in the right places. One that I'm really high on is the Jaws Giorango Gaming Fund, rated AAA+ by Broadway Bank, owned by my family.

Dear Rod:

I've been faithfully trying to follow the daily hair regimen you outlined last month, but some of the "name brand" products you recommended -- conditioners, gels, shellacs, etc. -- are pretty expensive. Are there cheaper store brands available that will give me the same result?

Help!

Bob in Rogers Park

Dear Bob: if you really want you hair to have that sculpted, rock hard Nascar helmet shell that's all the rage these days, you really shouldn't skimp on your product. I've tried many of the store brand emulsifiers and concretes, but I've always been disappointed. Unfortunately looking good isn't cheap, so you might think about adjusting other parts of your budget or having a yard sale. You might be surprised how much money you have lying around the house in old appliances and state construction contracts! 

Dear Rev. Wright and Father Pfleger:

I have an ethical dilemma. I am applying for a really great management job, and the application asks for three character references. When I went to fill out that part, I sort of realized that everybody I've every worked or associated with is either a petty criminal, doper, street thug, theif, terrorist bomber, or communist lunatic. I'm afraid to mention any of them on the application, but at the same time these are my friends and they've made me what I am today. I don't want to disavow them, but this job at Best Buy has flex hours and pays $14.75 to start, with full benefits. What would Jesus do?

Brock in Des Plaines

Dear Brock (from Father Phleger): Yours is an interesting dilemma that many of us face. Denying your friends in order to get this job may be painful, but remember that at the Last Supper the disciples themselves denied Christ. I am sure they will forgive you in the long run, as long as you get the job and treat them to free weed and occasional after-hours "shopping sprees" for big screens and stereo equipment. Say three Hail Marys and an Act of Contrition. Now go and sin no more.

Dear Brock (from Rev. Wright): GODDAMN Best Buy! Jesus don't want you to be no $14.75 an hour slave. Jesus wants you to liberate the inventory! You need to rise up with the oppressed and tell those blue shirt Pharoahs that it's time to let my Sonys go! If you need some oppressed, I can pencil you in next Thursday. $499.95 per busload + $1.50 per mile.