A Burge-Goldstein 2008 Campaign Policy Brief
With the 2008 Presidential campaign heating up, the Burge-Goldstein rapid response team will be releasing online position papers on the pressing issues of the day. Today, nominee Dave Burge outlines his views on two emerging questions: tire inflation and nude dancing in Iowa.
ISSUE ONE: KNOW YOUR RUBBER
As many of you know, one of my opponents is now touting proper tire inflation as the solution to our national energy crisis. I suppose I should be flattered that this gearhead Johnny-come-lately is finally coming around to seeing things my way, because as a longtime automotive enthusiast I have always understood the benefits of proper tire pressure. Unfortunately, my opponent and his energy advisors have grossly oversimplified this important issue - often the real problem is over-inflation, not under-inflation.
Sure, keeping 30-32 p.s.i. of pressure may help the average motorist get marginal mileage gains on the highway, but what about the dragstrip? All too often I have been at the local track and witnessed frustrated inexperienced drivers making pass after gas-guzzling pass, trying to get their Camaros and Dusters into the 10's. If only they realized they could shave a couple tenths ET right off the top by simply dropping the air pressure in their rear slicks down to 12-15 psi -- that way they could call it a day and join me at the trackside bar for a few ice cold Leinies.
But that's just the tip of the energy-saving iceberg. A careful analysis of the statistics reveals significant national gas savings can be achieved through adjusting tire pressure on America's growing fleet of Toyota Priuses. And that's where this little baby comes in: the valve stem core remover.
Available at any NAPA or Pep Boys for a few bucks, this ingenious energy-saving device has long been an indispensable part of the high school prankster's toolbox. Now, with an estimated 500,000 Priuses menacing our roadways -- each consuming 300 gallons of Earth-raping gasoline per year -- it is a key weapon in our battle for energy independence. Here's how it works:
- Locate nearby Priuses, starting with the one with the thickest layer of bumper stickers.
- Make sure Prius is not moving, and the area is free of police and surveillance cameras.
- Remove valve cap, starting with passenger side rear.
- Insert brass end of core remover tool into center of valve.
- Turn counterclockwise until core is removed. You should hear a loud "wooshing" sound and within a few seconds Prius tire pressure should be at its correct 0 p.s.i.
- Repeat steps 3-5 on each tire until Prius is completely inoperable, taking care to keep valve stem cores in safe place such as pocket or nearby ravine bushes.
Just think -- if we all remain vigilant and do our part, we can save America up to 150,000,000 gallons of gasoline per year! Not to mention reduced slow-moving retard congestion in America's HOV lanes.
And that's just one of the ideas that our campaign has for getting us back on the track to national energy sustainability. In future policy briefs, I'll be discussing my ideas for increased domestic energy exploration on America's inoperable Priuses, using simple tools such as pry bars and siphoning tubes.
ISSUE TWO: HAWKEYE NUDES IN THE NEWS
Thank you for bringing up this important issue, George. Despite the adolescent snickers and guffaws this story has generated, we all need to all grow up and realize that the naked human body is a thing of beauty, something to be aesthetically enjoyed and revered. Indeed, some of Western Civilization's greatest works of art -- from the Greeks to the Renaissance to the Impressionists -- have celebrated the human form in motion. We must heed the Muse Terpsichore, and not allow society's blue nosed puritans to rob us of our rich cultural legacy. This is why I have always fully supported Iowa's nude dancing exemption for theaters, concert halls, museums, QuikTrips, and so forth. This is also why I have petitioned the Iowa Supreme Court to overturn my recent conviction.