Canadian Radio Classics: Warman of the Mounted
Announcer
From the Maritimes to the Yukon, the Great White North was once a lawless land where cruel and offensive opinions roamed free - until one man stood up and brought them to justice. One mighty masked man, clad in the scarlet breechcoat of the Royal Canadian Mounted Human Rights Police, astride a golden disabled lesbian steed, with his faithful transgender Indian scout at his side. Together they rode from Yellowknife to St. John's, keeping Canadians safe from the spectre of multicultural insensitivity.
The Canadian Broadcast Corporation invites you to return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear as we tell the tales of that legendary singing Human Rights Mountie. It's time for excitement - it's time for lawsuits - It's time for... Warman of the Mounted!
ACT I
Announcer:
A snowy July afternoon at the RCMHRP's frontier headquarters at Fort Tolerance.
Warman:
You summoned me, Constable Steacy?
Steacy:
Indeed I did, Warman! It appears there's oppression afoot in the West... bad oppression. Someone has been illegally distributing unflattering cartoons of Islam's holy prophet!
Warman:
Egads! I smell Blacque Jacques Levant and his nefarious Western Standard gang!
Steacy:
Precisely. And if the Canadian Muslim community learns that these ne'er-do-wells have insensitively suggested their intolerance, they will surely burn Fort Ottawa to the ground! I need you to ride there and bring Levant and his printing press to justice.
Warman:
You can count on me, Constable - I swear by my solemn oath as an agent of the RCMHRP...
Warman and Steacy (saluting and reciting)
Neither snow nor sleet nor judicial procedure will keep me from the swift conviction of those who would test Canadian tolerance.
Steacy:
Gaiaspeed, Warman. But I must warn you... we believe Levant may have joined forces with Snidely Steyn.
Warman:
Gadzooks! The blackhearted scourge of international hate punditry?
Steacy:
None other.
Warman:
Then let us hie to our steeds! Mount up, Reconstructed Eagle!
Reconstructed Eagle:
Ugh! But me just get sex change!
Warman:
Then I suggest you use your best saddle, faithful transgendered companion. We've a hard three day ride through the Rockies.
Sappho:
Neiggghhhhh!
Warman:
Easy there, mighty disabled lesbian steed! We'll use the wheelchair ramp trail. Hi-yo, Sappho! Away!
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Commercial Break
Guy La Visage
'Allo, everybody! Dis is Guy La Visage, All-Star Goalie for da Moose Jaw Mukluks of da Saskatchewan Junior Hockey Association. Eef dere's one ting I hate, it's taking da 120 mile an hour slap shot right in da kisser.
Sound FX
Schwaaaaapp! Crrrrackkk!
Guy La Visage
Ow! Now dat really hurts, eh? Not to mention da facial bruises an' concussions, an' dem lost an' cracked teeth dat turn da girls off.
Girl:
Eeeeewww!
Guy La Visage
Dat's why after every game I use Gord's Goalie Magic, da cosmetic line made 'specially for us boys who make a living in da crease. Ten minutes in da locker room with Gord's Bruze-a-Way, Gord's Lump Reducer, and Gord's Press-on-Incisors, and I'm ready for a night out on da town!
Girl:
Well, hellooo handsome! Buy a lady a Molson's?
Guy La Visage
See what I mean, eh? Insist on Gord's Goalie Magic!
Announcer:
Gord's Goalie Magic - available at Goalie 4 Less, CreaseMart, Net Stick & Beyond, and other fine goalie supply outlets coast-to-coast.
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ACT II
Announcer:
High in the Canadian Rockies, Warman and Reconstructed Eagle keep a close watch on the cabin hideaway of Blacque Jacques Levant.
Warman:
Hmmm... I see Levant, and he seems to be talking to someone else in a black cape and opera hat. If only I could make him out...
Reconstructed Eagle:
Lend binoculars, Warmasabe. Me lose weiner, not eyesight.
Warman:
No, faithful squaw-like companion! You might be exposed to hateful lip movements.
Levant:
...an' den I publish da cartoons, and accordin' to da Canada charter, dey can' do nothing about 'em, eh!
Steyn:
Bwa ha ha! Jacques, you brilliant mountebank. A toast to our partner in crime -- free speech!
Warman:
Curses! It's that scurrilous scoundrel Steyn! Reconstructed Eagle, get your blanket. It's time that we smoke these racists out -- with smoke signals!
Reconstructed Eagle:
Ugh?
Warman:
An old trick I learned at the RCMHRP Academy. If you want flush out a den of racists, nothing beats some good old fashioned racist insults. Now to bait the hook... send this smoke message, trangendered companion: 'the only good Injun is a dead Injun.'
Reconstructed Eagle:
Okay, the...[puff] only...[puff] good...[puff] Hey, what the hell??
Warman:
'And the only thing better than a good dead Injun is a dead homo Injun.'
Levant:
Dere some kinda fire up dere on dat mountain?
Sound FX:
Wooo woo woo woo woo woo
Warman:
What's that sound?
Reconstructed Eagle:
That war party from Rainbow Foot tribe. They sound heap big angry!
Sound FX:
WOO WOO WOO WOO
Warman:
Gadzooks! Looks like we're done for, Reconstructed Eagle!
Reconstructed Eagle:
What you mean "we", Warmasabe?
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PSA Break
Man's Voice
Stupid foreigners!
Sound FX:
jail door slamming shut
Man's Voice
Hey! Grrrr!
Announcer
Thanks to stepped up enforcement and random internet checks, Canadian speech crimes have been cut nearly in half over the last three years. It's a record all Canadians can be proud of, but it's only a first step.
Man's Voice (echo-y reverb)
Stupid foreigners!
Announcer
Experts estimate that only 1/2 of 1% of all Canadian speech crimes are ever prosecuted, because most occur in the shadowy silence of private thought. It's time that all Canadians work together to recognize and report these non-verbal crimes before it's too late. If you know or suspect someone of harboring or contemplating offensive or otherwise un-Canadian ideas, please report to your Provincial Human Rights Office.
Man's Voice (echo-y reverb)
Stupid foreigners!
Sound FX:
jail door slamming shut
Announcer
This has been a public service announcement of the Royal Canadian Mounted Human Rights Police, reminding you to Think Before You Think.
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ACT III
Announcer:
When we last left Warman and Reconstructed Eagle, they were surrounded by a Rainbow Foot war party.
Fabulous Bear:
Koona chonka hoopy doopy!
Reconstructed Eagle:
Big Chief Fabulous Bear say red coat paleface heap big homophobe, tribe will sue scalp off!
Warman:
No, no! Tell Fabulous Bear he's got it all wrong, that it was a big misunderstanding. The smoke signals were, um... tell him they came from Levant's cabin! Yeah, that's it! Tell the Chief I'll represent him at the tribunal.
Reconstructed Eagle:
You think it work?
Warman:
Sure! Anything works better than the truth.
Announcer:
And so, armed with a judgment from Fort Tolerance, Warman and the RCMHRP take Levant and Steyn into custody.
Steyn:
Curses! Foiled again!
Levant:
'Ey! Lets go of me! I know my rights!
Warman:
Begone, you dastardly duo! From now on you'll be practicing your hate at the Fort Tolerance brigade house!
Levant:
Whats about my cabin?
Warman:
It's now a community techno club for the Rainbow Foot.
Steacy:
Excellent work, Warman! Thanks to you, Canada is safe again.
Warman:
Not for long, I'm afraid, Constable. For as long as there is a Canada, there will be hate. But as long as there is hate, the Royal Canadian Mounted Human Rights Police stands at the ready to stomp that hate out, for a reasonable fee. Speaking of which, where is my cut?
Steacy:
Here you go, Warman. Don't spend it all in one place. And a here's a little bonus for you, Reconstructed Eagle.
Reconstructed Eagle:
Hoopy Doopy! Now me can get that labiaplasty!
All:
Ha ha ha!
Announcer:
Tune in again next week as the CBC presents another thrilling episode of Warman of the Mounted. In next week's episode, Warman battles the ultimate hate crime in "The Case of the RCMHRP Critics!"
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UPDATE: From Randall Phillips:
