"Hey stupid," I am often asked, "what happened to your presidential campaign?"
For your information Mr. / Ms.Smarty Pants, instead of bombarding you with attack ads and TV spin doctors and donation pleas, I've been quietly doing the precise thing a Presidential candidate should do -- working on the issues that matter to snide ingrates like you. Yes, while you were mesmerized by the hubbub and fooferaw of the so-called "major party" nominating races, I was with my hand-picked 'trailer cabinet' of key policy advisors, putting together our 400-point specific Change Contract For Hopeful American Greatness Renewal. Some of the highlights:
Engagement With Our Adversaries
The world stage is complicated, and America cannot rely solely on military force to guard our national interests. We must never be afraid to meet with our adversaries for frank and open discussions over the issues that divide us. Thats why my first act as President will be to invite Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmedinejad to the White House for a top level negotiation session, without preconditions. "Mr. President," I will ask, "what can we do to persuade your government to curtail its nuclear ambitions?" While he is laying out his terms, I will send the signal to my Vice President / secret button czar Jeff Goldstein, and SPLASH! crazyboy drops right into the Oval Office piranha tank.
Not only will my strategy of open international engagement help to save our over-extended military and cut down on White House piranha food bills, it will act as a deterent to emerging enemies, such as Canada.
High Energy Prices
As the only remaining viable presidential candidate with a bitchin' hot rod, I know all too well the "pinch at the pump" that has affected so many American motorists. Basic Economistry 101 tells us that prices are a function of "supply" and "demand." Drilling and exploration are important, but this only addresses the "supply" side of the equation. We must also tackle our insatiable "demand" for energy. Thanks to my Piranha Doctrine foreign policy, America's military will be freed up to go after America's worst energy demand scofflaws -- the celebrity asshole community. Under my administration the Joint Chiefs of Staff will be directed to treat as hostile all private jets flying into Los Angeles airspace, backed up with coordinated pinpoint bombing of mansions and Priuses within the Malibu triangle. Not only will this reduce prices at the pump, it will increase the supply of much needed scrap metal and lumber.
As a son of America's rural heartland, the environment is important to me. Like Teddy Roosevelt, America's first "conservation president," I am committed to returning thousands of square miles of ugly American urban development back to its pristine natural state. Much of this will be a direct result of the "Malibu Surge," but other environmental initiatives will help. For example, I will direct the Interior Department to establish wild man-eating cougar preserves in Berkeley CA, Boulder CO, Madison WI, and Park Slope, Brooklyn.
Out-of-control illegal immigration is a threat to American security, sovereignty, and wages. That's why I am committed to fully funding a 2000-mile fence along America's southern border. However, this fence will be only four feet tall, and I will offer a citizenship amnesty program to all immigrants who can hop over the fence in a 1958-1972 Impala. In this way America will regain its sovereignty, but still get desperately needed skilled workers for our growing lowrider industry.
As you will see in the coming months, that's just the tip of the Burge-Goldstein policy express. So take heart, America, I'm in it to win it. And if you're tired of being played for a fool by the government, this November you can finally return the favor.
PS -- you're welcome.