Iowahawk Guest Opinion
by Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY)
From the earliest days of the campaign, the race for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination has been a hard fought, neck-and-neck struggle. But now, as the race enters its final stretch, it has become increasingly obvious that the eventual outcome is no longer in doubt. With a difficult general election looming, Democrats need to put our family squabbles aside and unite behind the eventual nominee. And so, in the interest of Party unity, and his own health, I am calling on Senator Obama to gracefully accept defeat.
First, let me congratulate Senator Obama and his staff for running a tough campaign. He has been a worthy sparring partner, and one I would have once been happy to consider for my vice presidential undercard, had he not been a constant pain in my ass for the last six months. But even Senator Obama must know at this point that, even if he somehow pulls off a miracle by sweeping the remaining primaries and locking up all the contested superdelegates, he simply cannot escape the inevitable mysterious accident that will clear the Democratic nomination for Yours Truly.
Frankly, there's just no way around the stark mathematics of the situation: Inconvenience(Me) = 1.0 * Accident(You). It is an inescapable statistical fact, as proven over and over again by my loyal team of Karma accountants -- including Sid Blumenthal, Howard Wolfson, and Harold Ickes. Contrary to what some people say, my boys did not learn untraceable poisoning techniques from the Russians. In fact, it was the other way around. And let's face it: even if Senator Obama receives prompt medical attention for his eventual post-nomination accident, voters in the general election will be repulsed by his grotesque and permanent Dioxin scarring. Once again, Hillary Time.
So today Senator Obama faces a clear choice: (a) stay in the campaign through the convention, wasting millions of dollars on primary advertising and expensive food tasters, or (b) withdraw immediately and graciously transfer his war chest to the only remaining Democratic candidate capable of appealing to hard-working white voters, such as Hillary Rodham Clinton. Same outcome either way, with the possible exception of body count.
Though he may be young and inexperienced, I am confident Senator Obama will choose wisely. But to sweeten the pot, I am also prepared to guarantee him a post as Secretary of HUD in my administration, plus a two-year moratorium on plane crashes involving his senior campaign staff and immediate family. Senator Obama is a young man, and if he serves me loyally he will be eligible to run again in 2016. Barring any unforeseen changes to Presidential term limits.
I know this may come as a temporary disappointment to the various misguided Democrats who have supported Senator Obama in the primaries. But trust me, you'll grow up and get over it. We need an electable Democrat on the slate in November, but unfortunately the research shows the wheels on the Obama campaign bus are about to come off.
Possibly due to mysteriously loosened lug nuts.